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The Week’s Most Redraw the Map, Putin’s Immortality Trap, and Total Transgender Crap Headlines

OFF THE CHARTS
Homer Simpson once thought a map of the world was homophobic because there was a country called “U r gay” on it. Other similarly illiterate individuals may claim such charts are racist too, on the grounds there is a West African nation called “Nigger.” Maybe there really is, because the African Union (AU) has just launched a new campaign to quite literally redraw the map of the globe on the grounds it is a tool of white supremacist oppression.

The problem, whine the Africans, is that Africa is much bigger in real life than it is on any map. So are all the other continents, though. Otherwise you’d need to have a very big map.

Perhaps the AU are simply fans of absurdist short stories by Jorge Luis Borges. Or maybe the AU have just realized that complaining that absolutely everything on the face of the Earth—up to and including the actual face of the Earth—is a secret expression of white colonial racism is now the best way to get their own way in life.

The AU’s actual grievance is that, upon the standard Mercator Projection image of our sphere used in school textbooks, the relative sizes of various portions of global landmass are badly out of scale, with the white northern hemisphere being deeply exaggerated in relation to the misleadingly small depiction of Africa. White heartlands like the Evil British Isles enjoy vastly inflated comparative dimensions, while Africa looks thin and emaciated by comparison to what its rightful size should be—more of a starving Ethiopian than a big fat Nigerian with an ass the size of central Lagos.

In reality this was done for complex cartographical reasons relating to making the map usable for sailors in terms of latitude and longitude, but the angry Afros won’t have it. “It’s a reflection of how the world views the continent,” say the AU, as being tiny and worthless, like Gary Coleman. The map’s 16th-century white Flemish creator, Gerardus Mercator, was a malignant racist who couldn’t even be bothered to mark Wakanda or Kong Island on the thing.

“If the African Union really want some good free contemporary advice on redrawing maps, why don’t they just phone up Benjamin Netanyahu?”

You wouldn’t know it from the Mercator Projection map, say the AU, but Africa is truly the planet’s second largest continent, so big the USA, China, India, Japan, and Western Europe could all fit comfortably inside it in real life. If that’s the case, shouldn’t we all be emigrating there, then, not the other way around?

According to AU spokesman Moky “Only Two Letters Away From an Offensive Racial Epithet” Makura, Mercator’s map is “the world’s longest-running misinformation and disinformation campaign, and it has to stop.” No, the world’s actual “longest-running misinformation and disinformation campaign” was launched by Martin Luther King back in the 1960s, and people like Moky Makura ably prove it.

Cynics may say the Africans have successfully redrawn the map of the planet anyway—to have absolutely no viable borders on it anymore. If the AU really want some good free contemporary advice on redrawing maps, why don’t they just phone up Benjamin Netanyahu?

COCK BLOCKING
Another map redrawn of late was an official online route-finder chart intended for use by competitors in the Junior Race of South Wales professional cycling contest, which passed through an innuendo-laden ancient Welsh village called Three Cocks.

The route map provided by British Cycling did not fully reflect this fact, however, being automatically censored by their website’s anti-obscenity detector to read simply “Three C****,” something that only had the ironic effect of making it readable as the far worse “Three Cunts” instead—which, to be fair, would have made for the ideal municipal twin-town.

FANNY HILL
Another age-old feature of the British landscape was mindlessly altered by the woke this week too, in the form of the ancient Cerne Abbas Giant. This well-known 180-foot club-wielding chalk figure, cut into a hillside in the English county of Dorset, suddenly gained a new, far more modern countryside companion in the shape of a very queer being called the Consequences Giant, as part of a state-funded national arts project.

However, the original Cerne Abbas Giant is best known for one thing above all—having an enormous chalk penis, one so very white and out of proportion the African Union think it may well have been drawn by Gerardus Mercator back in the 16th century.

To certain backwards, bigoted minds this may perhaps ever-so-slightly tend to suggest the Giant was male, so to counteract this, his new partner was deliberately designed to be “genderless”—that is to say, a tranny without the artists responsible being honest enough to openly state the fact.

As a state-backed left-wing community arts project, the new Consequences Giant was made collectively by a treacly union of “asylum seekers, schoolchildren and people with learning disabilities,” but mainly just the latter. Pleasingly, exposure to the original Giant had some very positive effects upon the bused-in retards enlisted to make the new one. Apparently, once they set eyes on it, “One non-verbal child spoke for the first time.” Saying what? “Look at that giant cock!” Not the first words his or her parents would have wanted to have to remember for the rest of their natural lives.

Like some eldritch being from the twisted mind of a left-wing H.P. Lovecraft, the new Giant “has eyes made of flowers, butterfly ears, tentacle legs, and a petal for each of the asylum seekers who composed its heart.” They may have misspelled the word “Patels” there.

The whole thing sounds like a vast interracial child-grooming exercise. While rolling around on the hillside creating beautiful art together, “The asylum seekers and children were able to play, be joyful, and be giant,” unrealistically positive-sounding euphemisms the asylum seekers’ lawyers will very shortly be repeating in a court of law.

The Consequence Giant’s strange appearance was facilitated by its designers playing a game akin to the old “Exquisite Corpses” pursuit so beloved by the Surrealists, whereby each participant drew a section of the being’s frame on a piece of folded paper, then handed it on to the next player to add to without either party knowing what the other had drawn, the end result being a jarring, incoherent, ugly, obviously incompatible mess—just like multicultural England is these days now that there are so many petal-like asylum seekers in it.

Coincidentally from a trans perspective, this was also how RuPaul was first made.

IF HE’S A REFUGEE, THEN I’M A DUTCHWOMAN
2020s Europe now being so refugee-philic and trans-friendly even the painted hill-figures are genderless foreign deviants, it is only natural that American transsexuals, terrified by the anti-queer dystopia the USA has supposedly become under Donald Trump, are now fleeing across the Atlantic Euro-wards seeking asylum from MAGA persecution.

Veronica Clifford-Carlos has become the poster “girl” for this growing movement, bemoaning to the media this week how he was forced to have “left loved ones, including her [sic] dog Lilith” (or “limited to her dog Lilith,” in some reports) behind in Trumpland.

Back home, “Veronica” told gullible journos, thanks to Donald’s uncontrolled transphobic rhetoric, “I have people screaming f*ggot [British Cycling’s automated insta-censorship function strikes again!] at me in the street…. I have people threatening my life, threatening to assault me, threatening to follow me home and kill my family.”

Well, Clifford-Carlos certainly won’t get that kind of disgraceful treatment over in Holland. Instead, over there all the imported Moroccans will simply stab him in the street quietly and efficiently, no need for any giveaway loud public warnings beforehand.

GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE—TRANNIES DO!
Another manifestation of Trump’s sickening hate against transgenderists was in evidence with his newly announced plans to ban the sale of guns to such folx, thereby to senselessly strip them of their key constitutional right to shoot innocent normal children in the face. Following the August school church massacre in Minneapolis by cross-dressing cretin Robert/Robin Westman, Trump floated a strategy to get all trannies declared officially mentally ill by the state, thereby making every last one fall foul of already-existing laws banning disturboids from owning guns in the first place.

Evidence that Westman himself was a total brain-wrong is piling up by the day. Analysis of the messages he painted onto his ammo and weapons shows a series of deeply bizarre scribbles the mainstream media has fraudulently attempted to misrepresent. One said “Kill Donald Trump,” but this was laughably glossed as him “having Donald Trump’s name on his gun,” giving the totally false impression he was a “far-right” Trump-supporting terrorist himself, not the precise opposite.

Other messages ripe for similar misreporting included “Nuke India,” which CNN said could just have meant he self-identified as a Pakistani, and “Six million was not enough,” which the NYT said did not mean Westperson wished the Holocaust had been even worse, but that he simply thought 6 million dead was in fact a gross underestimate of how many Jews Hitler had killed, and that the number should be immediately bumped up to 666 million instead, to gain them 100 times more public sympathy. MSNBC further argued that this meant Westman in fact self-identified as being Deborah Lipstadt.

Surprisingly, the main defenders of mad trannies owning guns were the National Rifle Association, the NRA saying every American citizen had the innate constitutional Second Amendment right to bear arms, even a troon loon like Westman. Makes sense; without a Second Amendment as well as preliminary top surgery, such people could never consider themselves to be real women.

GETTING KICKS FROM NO FEET
Neil Hopper, the British surgeon and aspirant “disabled astronaut” this column has reported on previously for having his own legs chopped off in search of easy medical compensation, was sentenced to prison this week, his trial revealing a further motive: sexual gratification. Turns out Hopper was a member of the queer “body modification” cult of Marius Gustavson we also brought you news of last week, messaging his mentor with the words “It feels so cool, no feet!” following his podiatric pruning; similar sentiments were once painted on the side of Douglas Bader’s old Spitfire.

Gaining £460,000-plus in cash, Hopper splurged £230,000 of it on home improvements, largely a comprehensive series of new stair lifts and 250 walk-in baths. Although primarily motivated by pervy purposes, once he had gone completely legless, he told a fellow weirdo, “I sort of feel like I should milk this.” Not another stroke over your stumps, Neil! Have some self-control, man.

Some of Hopper’s previous patients now fear he may have subjected them to unnecessary amputations purely to give himself secret orgasms beneath his surgical gown while performing them. But if so, then what did he do with all those dozens of accumulated surplus feet and hands? Perhaps he shipped them all over to Vladimir Putin for yet another large and illicit fee…

IMMORTAL LINES
At a military parade in Beijing, 72-year-old Vladimir Putin was caught on a “hot mic” boasting to his fellow pensionable dictator Xi Jinping that he hoped to live to be 150 thanks to the way medical science was rapidly advancing toward the point where aging organs could be “continuously transplanted” with those of far younger and healthier people, like the allegedly needlessly mutilated patients of Dr. Hopper.

This might help explain why he doesn’t seem so bothered by the prospect of his war with Ukraine taking around fifty years to win at current rates of attrition; ’tis but an eyeblink to a true immortal like Vladimir. “These days at 70 you are still a child,” Putin told Xi. Donald Trump certainly is.

How to stop Putin’s plans before it’s too late? Another elderly statesman caught on tape complaining about the rapid degeneration of his original organs this week was recovering cancer patient King Charles III, who told a woman while ceremonially opening a new hospital that his “bits don’t work so well when you get past 70.” If MI6 want to assassinate Putin in a foolproof way, why don’t they just secretly donate him Charles’ ruined prostate?

In the meantime, Putin being so short of fresh spare organs, perhaps we can see the real reason British Cycling erased the name of Three Cocks from the map: They feared the imminent launch of a Russian invasion of Wales.