Dean Cane and Teri Hatcher

The Week’s Most Superman Smeared, Dolls Go Weird, and Quest to Grow a Big Gay Beard Headlines

KRYPTO-FASCISM?
Once upon a time, Superman had only to fight enemies like evil billionaire financier Lex Luthor and insane murderous perverter of science the Green Goblin; come 2025, he also has to find time to battle all-new foes like George Soros and Greta Thunberg, who are not at all in any way similar. Pro-immigration activists like George & Greta must now fear the might of actor Dean Cain, who played Supes on TV back in the ’90s, but who this week swapped being a Man of Steel for a Man of ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) to help Donald Trump keep all the Brown Goblins from crossing the border and so “save America.”

Aiming to keep all the Mexicans at bay, Dean took up honorary ICE membership to encourage other citizens to sign up for real. Furious left-wing Hollywood stars quickly implied Cain had turned fascist. John Leguizamo is a proud Hispanic, best known for having played Mario’s brother Luigi (who was meant to be Italian…) in the original 1993 Super Mario Bros. film.

Being a fully qualified plumber, Luigi knows full well the valuable contribution immigrants can make to America, so took to calling Cain a “moron” and saying his pronouns were “has/been.” To which Cain replied, “Well, yours are just ‘bean,’” before flying through the air wearing a cape and chin-socking Legume-iano right over the border.

Korean-American shitcom star Margaret Cho joined in, observing that, although once having been cast as the archetypal all-American superhero, Cain was in fact half-Japanese, his true name being not Clark Kent but Dean Tanaka, whose relatives were imprisoned in U.S. Jap internment camps during WWII. “You’re never gonna be white, no matter how many of these white activities that you participate in,” Cho chided, calling him a “racist.” To prove she herself was no racist, Cho then added Dean was “Always Wong, never white”; wouldn’t a leftist usually say there’s Sum Ting Wong with language like that?

“Dean Cain, who played Superman on TV back in the ’90s, this week swapped being a Man of Steel for a Man of ICE.”

Cain disagreed he was trying to adopt political whiteface, observing through gritted teeth and slitted eyes that “Tanaka is my given name, and it’s funny that people are like, ‘Well, you tried to hide that.’ It’s tattooed on my ankle.” He has family ethnic identification material tattooed onto his flesh and ancestors who lived in camps? Is Dean sure he’s not actually Jewish?

Meanwhile, ICE has crowed that, boosted by Cain’s successful recruitment drive, it continues to “ramp up” deportations all across America. Does this mean they’ve signed up Christopher Reeve, too, then?

HIGH CAMP CONCENTRATION CAMP
There sure are a lot of Nazis working for ICE right now, not just Superman. In L.A., a “nurse and community activist” named Amanda Trebach has caused flip-outs among pro-bean campaigners like Luigi after footage of her being bundled into the back of a van by supposed “fascist ICE agents” was released.

According to a report on Democracynow.org, Trebach was “kidnapped” (i.e., arrested) while out on a “peace patrol” (i.e., trying to subvert the legal detention of illegal immigrants) outside an ICE base in the Terminal Island area, a “once thriving Japanese-American fishing village that was demolished during World War II, its residents forcibly sent to internment camps.” The clear implication here is that, in WWII, the American Government were the real Nazis, not the enemies they were fighting—who, just to be clear, were called “the Nazis,” and therefore were in fact probably the real real Nazis after all when you stop to think about it, them owning legal copyright over the name and everything.

Formerly rotting alongside Dean Cain’s Oriental ancestors in a 1940s U.S. internment camp was the baby George “Mr. Sulu from Star Trek” Takei, another man keen to associate everything American-born with Nazism—except himself, even though, suspiciously, George was born on 20 April, just like his purported ideological enemy Adolf Hitler (George is 88 this year, too; make of that what you will). Takei has prior beef with Dean Cain for holding non-PC attitudes, as when Cain had previously criticized Superman’s modern-day stewards for “having him fight climate change and the deportation of refugees,” not to mention giving him a big queer son.

If Superman Jr. were now suddenly bisexual, then his parent comic-book company should really have been AC/DC, not just DC, something Takei, a noted rear admiral on the Starship Enterprise himself, would have loved, tweeting: “So Dean Cain apparently is upset that the new [Superman] in the comics is bisexual. I used to be upset that Dean Cain was straight but he has definitely cured me of that.”

To which Cain no doubt responded, “I’m Clark Kent, not Clark Bent.”

HILLSBOROUGH DISASTER
A new, non-woke reimagining of Superman in which Dean Cain spends his time not fighting supervillains, but trying to turn homos straight in the name of MAGA and Christ, would be a surefire box office hit. His first employers could be Florida’s Hillsborough Public School Board, who have just removed a book called Trans Mission: My Quest to a Beard from their shelves as trans propaganda-cum-pornography.

The distinctly unheroic text is written by a female-born wannabe man named Alex Bertie, who sounds like one:

I was born on 2 November 1995. The doctors in the hospital took one look at my genitals and slapped an F on my birth certificate. “F” for female, not fail—though that would actually have been kind of appropriate given present circumstances. [Not “F” for “freak”?] When I was 15, I realised I was a transgender man…. Over the last six years, I’ve come out to my family and friends, changed my name, battled the healthcare system, started taking male hormones and have had surgery on my chest. My quest to a beard is almost complete. This is my story.

Save us, Superman! Save our children from this deviant! In his proposed new anti-woke superhero movie, Cain has two methods of approach for dealing with sick individuals like this. If they’re gay men, he shows them surreptitiously snapped naked photographs of his onetime Lois Lane costar, Teri Hatcher, taken circa 1995, at the time of his New Adventures of Superman show’s first transmission. If they’re lesbian, he shows them some naked images of Hatcher taken today, circa 2025. Either way, the effect is the same: instant cure!

Another victory for the Man of Steel Underpants. Which, whenever in the company of George Takei, Cain probably needs.

DOLLY MIXTURE
Dean Cain’s new boss at ICE, Kristi Noem, is often nicknamed “ICE Barbie,” due to the fact that she is at least 75 percent recycled plastic and has also taken part in her own Great Puppy Adventure. Barbie is very 2024, though, with the new doll du jour being Labubu, an ugly-cute Chinese bear-troll-thing made fashionable by being adopted by celebrities from Rihanna to Kim Kardashian. Even Henry Kissinger was buried cuddling one.

Yet, due to the superficial similarity of their names, some web users have identified Labubu as a secret avatar of the ancient Mesopotamian demon Pazuzu and begun ritually burning their dolls as a precaution. As a result, Pazuzu has switched into possessing the furry bodies of the Sylvanian Families animal-doll toy range, the subject of a new lawsuit.

Irish TikToker Thea von Engelbrechten has had an online hit with her Sylvanian Dramas series of animated stop-motion shorts in which the cute figures, with names like Freya the Chocolate Rabbit Girl and Ambrose the Walnut Squirrel Baby, act out distinctly adult storylines involving drink, drugs, murder, suicide, and breeding like literal rabbits. Deploring the tarnishing of their brand, the dolls’ Japanese manufacturer has filed a cease-and-desist order in a U.S. court.

As Tolstoy the Marshmallow Siberian Fox-Cub once wrote, each happy Sylvanian Family is alike; each unhappy Sylvanian Family is unhappy in its own way. As such, if she wins her case, the potential for von Engelbrechten to produce endless spin-off series, like Pennsylvania Avenue Families, would be immense.

Detailing the day-to-day trials of married life between Donald the Diet Coke Orangutan Baby and Melania the Botoxed Watermelon Kitten-Girl, the show would certainly make for more wholesome family viewing than another possible spin-off named Pennsylvania Families starring Fetterman the Fentanyl Crack-Monkey. There hasn’t been a shaved ape on that many drugs since the glory days of Huntingdon Life Sciences (or at least so Trump once scurrilously implied).

POLITICAL HEAVYWEIGHTS
Fentanylman has denied any such thing, pointing out that the true politician on crack these days is Orangutan Baby himself, at least to judge by Trump’s newly announced plans to hold a mixed-martial-arts UFC celebrity cage fight on the White House South Lawn to celebrate 250 years since American Independence. This despite a similar WWE bout between Hulk Hogan and Yokozuna held in the Rose Garden earlier this year to mark eighty years since the bombing of Hiroshima being condemned as a neo-Nazi obscenity by George Takei.

But who will the celebrities fighting in 2026 be? Step forward Volodymyr “The Z-Man” Zelensky and Vladimir “The Impaler” Putin. Ten rounds, a winner-takes-all geopolitical slapfest to the death: Victor gets Ukraine for keeps.

Trump’s final full year in office is 2028, which marks eighty years since the founding of the State of Israel. Another follow-up UFC David vs. Goliath bout between Bibi “The Golan Golem” Netanyahu and Ayatollah “The Koranimal” Khamenei to see who gets to occupy Jerusalem would be most welcome.

UNFUNNY VALENTINE
Meanwhile, in the United Kingdom, the never-ending rape jihad against native kids by soi-disant Muslim asylum seekers continues, and not even Superman can save them; a 12-year-old in Nuneaton and an 8-year-old in London are the latest reported victims. But maybe this wasn’t the vulnerable brown adult rapists’ fault at all? Maybe the less-than-innocent white whore-children themselves had been coquettishly leading them on?

A mother in America once foolishly combined her grandparents’ names Harvey and Charlotte to christen her baby “Harlotte,” but British educators are sending out even more mixed messages about the sprogs under their care. An investigation unveils how U.K. teachers have been encouraging prepubescents to send romantic Valentine’s Day cards to adult male migrants, as part of a “Show Your Heart for Refugees” scheme; the refugees themselves prefer to be shown other parts of the children’s anatomies.

Kiddie-penned verses on such cards include ditties like these:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I support refugees,
How about you?

But what would happen to any dissenting, rape-averse infant who preferred to write a noncompliant anti-migrant poem like the following?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
England is supposed to be white,
So why aren’t you?

Detention, most likely; for 18 months, in a cell alongside Lucy Connolly.

SAVE OUR SOLES
So scared are British parents of their kids being stolen away by adult suitors on camelback that leading U.S. sneaker company Skechers has launched a new brand of shoe on the U.K. market that features a handy hollow in the sole designed to conceal not a gangster’s razor blade, as in much safer days of old, but a surreptitious geolocation tracking device.

Just in case Superman can’t save their own kids from being snatched and eaten by Haitians, Skechers has also released the Stasi-style child-tracking products onto the U.S. market for the benefit of American parents. But they cost upwards of $52, a sum some children just aren’t worth.

So as not to appear to be profiting from growing rates of child rape (that’s just Serco), Skechers is claiming that its product is merely aimed at facilitating the rediscovery of lost shoes, but in practice the market for that kind of thing is basically limited to Cinderella, and she’s already found hers. The company’s marketing spiel seems to give the true game away: “Skechers is famous for comfort and now they are giving us comfort of mind when it comes to our kids.”

Yes—now, thanks to Skechers, there is no need whatsoever to worry where your 9-year-old may be and what they might be up to. Just launch the accompanying “Find My Missing Baby!” app on your phone, observe how they are playing safe and sound within the basement of their nearest mosque/kebab shop/taxicab firm, and relax.

Superman has proved himself able to save a lot of things down the years, but Western civilization itself is by now beyond all reasonable rescue.