Yokohama, Japan
Source: Bigstock
The Week’s Most Gender-Quack, Doll-Attack, and Hermione-Goes-Black Headlines
60 MINUTES TO MELTDOWN
Speechifying to students at North Carolina’s Wake Forest University on May 19, veteran 60 Minutes host Scott Pelley accidentally misread the place’s name as Woke Forest University and launched into an “unhinged” tirade against President Trump. Donald’s truth-twisting administration, Pelley alleged, aimed to “make criminals heroes and heroes criminals”—words that, uttered by a mainstream left-wing TV “journalist” in the week of the fifth anniversary of the death of St. George Floyd, do demonstrate a certain lack of self-awareness.
Some right-wing mainstream TV journalists show an equal lack of self-awareness themselves too, though. Pelley’s main gripe against Trump was that he aimed to destroy free speech across America. Livid Fox News anchor Kayleigh McEnany then went on air and demanded Pelley be immediately arrested to prove this was simply not true, and freeborn Americans could say whatever they damn well pleased. Except for saying that free speech was under attack, of course; you just shouldn’t be allowed to say that kind of thing.
At least viewers could actually understand what Pelley was saying, though: When many modern-day left-wingers open their mouths, all most normal voters hear spewing out is Stephen Hawking reading an antique copy of Pravda backwards.
Accordingly, a growing number of Democrats are decrying their fellow socialists’ excessive use of “Ivy League-tested terms” nobody non-android can compute. Arizona senator Ruben Gallego told journalists, “I’m going to piss some people off by saying this, but ‘social equity’—why do we say that? Why don’t we say, ‘We want you to have an even chance’?” Maybe because they don’t: They want blacks, gays, criminals, Muslims, and trannies to have more undeserved chances in life than other people do. Leftists just use the obscurantist phrase “social equity” to disguise this unpopular fact.
“When many modern-day left-wingers open their mouths, all most normal voters hear spewing out is Stephen Hawking reading an antique copy of Pravda backwards.”
Michigan senator Elissa Slotkin even went so far as to suggest future Dem candidates open speeches by yelling out, “Hey, you motherfuckers!” to their audiences. Well, that’s another niche sexual demographic covered.
Another member of a niche sexual demographic, gay former Biden-era Transport Secretary Pete Buttigieg, agreed. “It’s so important for Democrats to have a vocabulary that can reach everybody,” said the big fat queer. Hey, we’re only following his own advice to call a spade a spade here…
DONKEY KONG COUNTRY
The USA is still a far freer nation than its old wartime enemy Japan. This week sees the launch of Nintendo’s latest console, the Switch 2, worldwide—but if you are an expectant videogame-loving mother who wishes to mark the exciting occasion by naming your newborn after one of Nintendo’s biggest characters, then you will no longer be allowed to, at least not in Nippon.
Tired of people giving their children ambiguously spelled “kirakira” names that could be weirdly pronounced to spell out the titles of various Pokémon (and also things like “Devil,” “Pudding,” “Poo,” “Hello Kitty,” “Nike,” “Hiroshima,” and “Tentacle Porn”), the Japanese government has just made it specifically illegal to christen your baby Pikachu.
Yet it is perfectly legal for American parents to name their kids after Pokémon—and many do, albeit generally only human-sounding ones such as Roselia or Eevee, not as yet Bulbasaur, Magikarp, or Beedrill. U.S. Social Security data shows a recent upsurge in Nintendo-named babies across America, with figures like Mario, Luigi, Link, Zelda, Kirby, Samus, Fox, and Peach being particularly popular…alongside Diddy and Donkey Kong.
Ethnicity-related data for these latter two monikers is unavailable, but if Shiloh Hendrix ever called a chimping-out black toddler something like that, she would immediately end up with yet more NAACP-led calls for legal action on her hands.
JESUS SAVES…BUT ERIC NETS THE REBOUND
An unborn Japanese child’s best bet to become a human Pokémon now is to convert to Christianity, become Pope, and quickly adopt the official pontifical cover name of Pope Pikachu I. The new Vicar of Rome chose to be redubbed Leo XIV, but perhaps he should have called himself Pope Eric; investigation by French genealogists shows him to be a cousin of noted former Manchester United and France professional soccer-ballist Eric Cantona. We now know why Eric was always so good with crosses.
Eric’s old club Manchester United lost the Europa League final last week, before posting a record-low Premier League finish to end a truly dismal season. Their only viable path back toward glory is to enter the transfer market and sign a whole raft of hitherto-ignored kirakira-christened players whose names would tend to suggest they may possess special, match-winning, Pokémon-like superpowers: players like Martin Squirtle, Adrian MewTwo, Johan Charmander, and Krabby Agbonlahor, for example. Or simply Yago Pikachu, a real Brazilian soccer player who plays for Italian side Fortaleza.
As it is, United’s current underachieving squad seems to consist entirely of clones of a different aptly named Brazilian footballer: Rafael Scheidt. “I want this to be known as the Scheidt Year,” he told a newspaper in 2002. For Manchester United in 2025, it already is.
ACTORS ARE EXPERTS IN ACTING LIKE EXPERTS
The advent of June means the annual “Gays Are Our Gods Now Month” is here again, much to the delight of the assembled quacks of the U.K.’s British Medical Association. The Bender Month Allies of the BMA acidly reacted to a recent ruling from Britain’s Supreme Court of Physical Reality defining a woman as someone with a real vagina as being “scientifically illiterate” and “biologically nonsensical.” Many medical laymxn may think it’s the other way around—but, unlike the BMA “experts,” they aren’t qualified gynecologists.
Now, in equally erudite agreement, an entire A–Z of U.S. and U.K. Hollywood Z–A-listers, from Eddie Redmayne to James Norton, have signed a pair of open letters protesting against the evil judgment as medically and biologically false.
How would they know? They’re just unqualified thesps, artistes, and luvvies. What, precisely, gives some random, letter-signing script scribbler named Mark Haddon the deep anatomical knowledge to arbitrarily medically redefine what makes a woman a woman and a man a man now? The fact that his name is but one short letter away from being “Mark Hardon”?
By that rationale, the world’s greatest all-time celebrity expert on transgenderism must be Dick Van Dyke. At least Tinseltown’s most famous star accidentally christened after a butch Dutch lesbian with a strap-on actually played a doctor on screen on Diagnosis: Murder, unlike most of the above letters’ pretend-world signatories. A further giveaway those who signed them were not real doctors was that you could actually read their handwriting.
HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-CASTE PRINCESS
One of the key signatories of the Hollywood gender-bending letters was Paapa “Do Preach” Essediu, a black actor currently contracted to play the previously white role of Severus Snape on HBO’s upcoming Harry Potter and the Great Replacement TV series. His signature drew ire from Harry’s original ink-mother J.K. Rowling, who is noted for refusing to believe that humans can magically shift their biological sex just because pseudo-medical La-La Land activists say they can.
And yet, Rowling is quite happy to uncritically believe in equally impossible Hollywood cases of humans magically shifting their race whenever they feel like it. Not only was J.K. unconcerned at Paapa Plainly-Not-A-Doc playing one of her previously Caucasian characters on the new TV show, she also lent her delighted approval to HBO’s casting this week of a mixed-race black child named Arabella Stanton in the old Emma Watson role of clearly 100 percent white girl/wizard Hermione Granger.
While delighted by the presence of a real-life Magic Black Woman in the new adaptation, what Rowling doesn’t realize is that, if you examine photos of the two, “Arabella” actually appears to be none other than well-known queer British Olympic diving champion Tom Daley following a quick sex change and six hours on a faulty sun bed.
At this industrial rate of race- and gender-blind casting, come the time for the next inevitable future TV reboot of the same tired old shite in 2035, the show will be set in India and called Hari Potter and the Prisoner of Her Own Body.
SHOW ME ON THE DOLL EXACTLY WHERE HE TOUCHED YOU
The chief slogan of Pride Month 2025 is set to be “Protect the Dolls!”—such dolls being purportedly “vulnerable” transgender teens. But are certain dolls the real dangers in and of themselves?
Annabelle is a haunted Raggedy Ann doll usually kept locked safely away inside the Occult Museum of a now-deceased husband-and-wife team of all-American demon hunters called Ed and Lorraine Warren. The figurine self-IDs as being possessed and was acquired by the Warrens in the 1970s from its owner after it began moving of its own accord and attacking people.
Now the devil doll has been released from its prison for a national tour, causing much foreboding. So dangerous is the item said to be, its current owner only ever dares handle it while wearing “gloves with crosses on them and saint medals in the fingertips,” like a masturbating priest.
But was the true demon here actually Ed Warren? According to rumors, Ed was a bit of an incubus himself, who shacked up with a 15-year-old girl whose bus he drove for extra money when he was in his mid-30s (hunting demons doesn’t generally pay that well), before shipping her into his family home, impregnating her, and forcing her into an abortion, all with Lorraine’s explicit knowledge.
Yet did Ed’s victim truly terminate her illicit child as ordered, or just spirit the tot safely away somewhere in hiding to escape Ed’s wandering hands? Look again at Annabelle in her usual Occult Museum jail, a specially constructed glass-fronted sarcophagus shaped like a miniature church, doused in holy water.
Staring wide-eyed and terrified out through her locked protective window, a big sign commands all comers, “WARNING: POSITIVELY DO NOT TOUCH.” Was that message actually aimed not at the foolish museum-going public, but at Evil Ed himself? A young mother disguising her baby as a demonic moving doll just so she wouldn’t end up getting poked and impregnated by Ed Warren too seems like an extreme measure to resort to, but these were extreme circumstances.
It’s okay. You can take your Raggedy disguise off and come out now, Little Baby Ann. Uncle Eddie is dead now. And if you do it this month of all months, there are thousands upon thousands of people out there who’ve got your back at the moment. Look, they’re all busily mincing around the nation at gay parades and openly approaching confused children while dressed in pink sparkly shirts saying “Protect the Dolls!” on them just to prove it. People like that definitely aren’t any dangerous, child-grooming pedophiles like Uncle Ed was!
A BLAIR IN THE SKY
A much less pedo-related paranormal artifact with potential for future display in the Warrens’ Occult Museum has just been captured in Colombia: a silvery metallic sphere recorded on camera flying over the town of Buga before landing and being retrieved by a passing ufologist. Locals claim it is of ET origin, albeit covered in letters from ancient human alphabets.
Using AI, “scientists” determined that the alien message read as follows: “The origin of birth through union and energy in the cycle of transformation, meeting point of unity, expansion, and consciousness—individual consciousness.” That seemed essentially meaningless, so the ufologists called in the true experts in the speaking of indecipherable nonhuman languages: Democrat Party politicians. “I think it means ‘Hey, you motherfuckers!’” explained Sen. Elissa Slotkin, cautiously.
As for how true this whole story is, meanwhile…it should be noted the report on the UFO in the New York Post was written by someone called Anthony Blair. The last time the world listened to someone called Tony Blair about some alien power’s strange military technology, we ended up knee-deep in a senseless war in Iraq. If you were a journalist and you wished to possess some real credibility to your name, you’d be better off having been christened Pikachu.