Geoffroy's Spider Monkeys

Source: Bigstock

The Week’s Most Steroid-Rich, Fat-Bronze-Bitch, and Trump’s-a-Witch Headlines

CRACK-AND-FIELD
To mark five long years since the death of George Floyd, white British schoolchildren are now being taught that black people built Stonehenge, at least according to a negrophilic new “textbook” called Brilliant Black British History.

Ever since the ancient monument was first discovered by O.J. Simpson in 1976, the volume continues, the explanation of how its antediluvian Afro-headed creators had managed to transport the giant sarsen stones into position had remained a mystery…until now. Surely, being black, they were all just on performance-enhancing drugs?

This particular revisionist theory may well be endorsed by Aron D’Souza, the Silicon Valley transhumanist entrepreneur, who announced this week the final arrangements for the first-ever edition of a special new global athletics contest, the Enhanced Games: or “The Olympics on Drugs,” a valuable educational exercise in the effects of speed upon speed.

Traditionally, Olympians are disqualified from competing due to issues around drugs. Who can forget the entire Jamaican team being recalled home in disgrace in 1984, for example, after shaming their whole nation by sensationally testing negative for cannabis?

Aron D’Souza wants to make such fiascos a thing of the past by making the ingestion of drugs compulsory for all entrants, in the hope coked-up athletes will thereby shatter the previous world records held by boring old non-enhanced competitors like Usain Bolt. Who knows, via such means, one day a white man may actually win a track-and-field medal of some kind—as well as the million-dollar prize money D’Souza is offering.

The drugs’ side effects could prove sportingly beneficial in other ways, too. Anabolic steroids can cause male athletes to grow milk-producing breasts: ideal for long-distance marathon runners, who can thereby produce their own in-built hydration during races. If a similar uncontrollable enlargement effect can be produced for human penises, D’Souza can even organize a pole-less pole-vault competition.

D’Souza suggests that, rather than traditional national groups like TeamUSA or TeamGB, squads of literal drug runners could be named after each country’s premier drugs experts in high-profile sponsorship deals. He has companies like AstraZeneca U.K. in mind, but TeamSinaloa could well end up bringing back every last one of the medals for Mexico. They’ll certainly be strong favorites for the shooting events.

THE BLOW MONKEYS
If Aron D’Souza really wants to rake in the viewing figures, he should try putting various different species on drugs and then making them compete against humans in the stadium. A good candidate for the first breed of animal gymnast to be allowed to do its thing on the monkey bars would be the humble spider monkey, a baby example of which has just been seized from a suspected meth dealer’s home in California, along with $26,000 of illegal drugs. Put the two together, and D’Souza has his next entrant for the Enhanced Games gymnastics events right there.

“Who can forget the entire Jamaican team being recalled home in disgrace in 1984 after shaming their whole nation by sensationally testing negative for cannabis?”

Being cute, spindly mini-primates with adorable big staring black eyes, infant spider monkeys are popular status symbol pets amongst modern California drug dealers, with another one being pulled out of a speeding Rolls-Royce in January, together with “copious amounts” of marijuana and five cell phones. The monkey in this instance was dressed in a pink onesie, making it perfectly plausible they could be also outfitted in spangly skintight leotards to mount the pommel horse.

Illegally imported into America across the border from Mexico (much like most Mexicans), how are such animals captured in the first place? One expert explained:

“Infant spider monkeys in the pet trade are often the result of their mothers and family members being shot down from the trees to capture the baby. Many times, the baby is killed or injured due to the fall.”

Oddly enough, that was precisely how Simone Biles was once captured by her abusive coaches, too.

THE COLOSSUS OF RHODESIA
Not all athletic primates are teeny-tiny like Biles, of course. Another possible explanation for how the Neolithic niggas of ancient Albion built Stonehenge is that prehistoric black people were all twelve feet tall, thereby enabling them to simply lug the items around effortlessly on their shoulders, like Obelix with his menhir.

That is the conclusion one must draw from the sudden (but mercifully temporary) appearance in Times Square of a much-derided bronze statue that precise same size depicting a big fat ugly black woman dressed casually in items of ill-fitting clothing, standing with her hands on her hips like a colossal street-corner hooker in search of passing clientele outside the Brooklyn Home for the Functionally Blind. This egregious effigy is the work of black British sculptor Thomas J Price, whose sheer range and variation of work is truly astounding.

In 2022, he erected Moments Contained at Rotterdam Centraal Station, depicting a big fat ill-dressed ugly black woman standing with her hands in her pockets. In 2020, he erected Reaching Out at Three Mills Green in East London, depicting a big fat ill-dressed ugly black woman standing with her hands out of her pockets, staring vacantly at her cell phone. In 2021, just to add a bit of diversity, he erected Signals in the Victoria and Albert Museum in London, depicting a bald thin ill-dressed ugly black man standing staring vacantly at his cell phone. Also in the V&A stands his 2008 piece Tasman Road, Figure 2, which looks like Bigfoot with alopecia.

Yes, what George Stubbs once was to horses, Thomas J Price is to giant ugly black people—and his latest Times Square sculpture, Grounded in the Stars, is no exception. According to New York City authorities, the piece “amplifies traditionally marginalized bodies” and “challenges who should be rendered immortal through monumentalization”—i.e., no longer people who have ever done anything worthwhile in life, but random black females wearing their hair in braids and looking as if they’re about to complain they freakin’ fries be cold yet again.

Allegedly, “the contrapposto pose of her body and the ease of her stance is a subtle nod to Michaelangelo’s David.” In reality, the whole thing looks much more like an all-too-open nod toward the Venus of Willendorf.

BORN IN THE USA…BUT DEPORT HIM ANYWAY!
One man far too white ever to have Thomas J Price cast him sycophantically in bronze is Joe Biden’s old pal Bruce Springsteen, who interrupted a concert in the English city of Manchester to deliver a wholly unasked-for anti-Trump tirade, apropos of nothing:

“There’s some very weird, strange, and dangerous shit going on out there right now. In America, they are persecuting people for using their right to free speech and voicing their dissent. This is happening now…. They are removing residents off American streets and, without due process of law, are deporting them to foreign detention centers and prisons. This is all happening now.”

At this point, someone white and British in the crowd stood up and said, “Got anything to say about Lucy Connolly, then, mate?” at which point Bruce finally shut up speechifying and just sang his only two good songs like the crowd had each paid about £250 to see him do, before everyone went home happy and humming “Dancing in the Dark.”

Trump quickly responded to this uncalled-for insult in the only way he knew how—by going on Twitter and deploying his usual series of UtterlY RaNDom CapitalizATIONS:

I see that Highly Overrated Bruce Springsteen goes to a Foreign Country to speak badly about the President of the United States. Never liked him, never liked his music, or his Radical Left Politics and, importantly, he’s not a talented guy—Just a pushy, obnoxious JERK.

Then, to demonstrate the Boss was wrong about there being no such thing as free speech or regular immigration laws in America anymore, The Donald seemingly threatened to have him arbitrarily arrested at the airport or deported for saying bad things about him abroad:

This dried out “prune” of a rocker (his skin is all atrophied!) ought to KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT until he gets back into the Country, that’s just “standard fare.” Then we’ll all see how it goes for him!

Possibly the reason Springsteen’s prune-like epidermis now resembled his hero Joe Biden’s most cancerous testicle is because, simply by criticizing politically dissenting pop stars online, POTUS 47 apparently now has the awesome witch-like ability to immediately render them highly sexually unattractive. “Has anyone noticed that, since I said ‘I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT,’ she’s no longer ‘HOT?’” Trump gloatingly added, like the hideous orange warlock he so clearly is. Christ only knows what Keith Richards and Madonna must have been saying about Donald lately, then.

COWBOY CARTA
Beyoncé, too, needs to beware. Trump says Springsteen’s fellow Democrat-lovin’ pop star was likewise involved in some kind of pro-Bidenista financial scam involving her appearance at preelection rallies for Kamala Harris in 2024:

According to news reports, Beyoncé was paid $11,000,000 to walk onto a stage, quickly ENDORSE KAMALA, and walk off to loud booing for never having performed, NOT EVEN ONE SONG! Remember, the Democrats and Kamala illegally paid her millions of Dollars for doing nothing other than giving Kamala a full throated ENDORSEMENT. THIS IS AN ILLEGAL ELECTION SCAM AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL! IT IS AN ILLEGAL CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTION!

With looks-ruining magic Trump curses against Beyoncé that potent being deployed, it won’t be long before Thomas J Price is knocking on her door begging to make a statue out of her.

Can Trump really arrest or deport popular singers like Bruce and Beyoncé just for appearing at opposition rallies? Evidence indicates his administration doesn’t truly understand the law in such areas. After suggesting habeas corpus might be suspended across the nation, Trump’s Homeland Security Thing Kristi Noem was asked if she even knew what habeas corpus meant. She didn’t: “Well, habeas corpus is a constitutional right that the President has to be able to remove people from this country,” she answered.

No, it just means the right not to be arrested for no good, publicly stated reason, one that has pertained across the English-speaking world at least since the Magna Carta. In habeas corpus’ original home of England, though, a new, even more advanced development in the concept has now arisen—habeas kurdus, the automatic right for random invading Muslims to stay in the country illegally for no good, publicly stated reason instead.

A 32-year-old Iraqi Kurd who smuggled himself into Britain in the back of a truck disguised as a small meth-addicted spider monkey was reported this week as having given officials the following completely-on-the-record justification for seeking asylum: “I don’t have a real reason to be here, give me some time and I will make up a reason.” A senior judge has just given him leave to remain anyway.

It seems Kristi Noem is not the only mentally retarded Western official who doesn’t understand the full nuances of immigration law at the moment. The Kurd didn’t even have the wit, when asked why he should be allowed to live in England, to reply, “Because my granddad built Stonehenge.”