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Red State
Red State
8 Apr 2023
Brad Slager

NextImg:The Pulitzer Prize Dis-Honors: Trump's Cars, Coffee in the Stars, and That Red Spoon Is Ours

Our weekly recognition of less-than-meritorious excellence in journalism worthy of a skewed version of Pulitzer Prize consideration.

As an extension of the media-mocking venture at Townhall, Riffed From the Headlines, we once again recognize the exalted performances in our journalism industry and compile worthy submissions for the Pulitzer Prize board in numerous categories. To properly recognize the low watermark in the press, let us get right to the latest exemplars of journalistic mis-excellence.

Distinguished Breaking News

When it was announced that Donald Trump would be indicted, the press was in such an explosion of ebullience that most had forgotten about the years spent telling us the man is a danger and in need of being silenced. On April 3, this effusive passion was so overwhelming that the news networks gave us wall-to-wall live coverage of Trump leaving his home for New York.

Amid the embarrassingly extensive live shots of a gate and then ponderous helicopter footage of cars driving, CNN managed to distinguish itself with more over-the-top narration from Raju. He told us how we were seeing “remarkable pictures,” “this is quite a moment,” and telling us how “historic” it was…as we watched a man take a ride to the airport.

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Distinguished Explanatory Reporting

Following Trump’s arraignment, Marjory Taylor Greene, who had been on location in Manhattan, went on Tucker Carlson’s show and described the city in rather critical terms. She detailed how she found New York City to be dirty and polluted, and that it smelled bad.

Taking offense to this was Mehdi Hasan, who declared boldly that Democrats would never be so brash as to have one of their coastal elites going to southern, Republican-run locales and then trash the places they visited. It is a testament to Hasan’s abject lack of curiosity that at the exact same time he said this, California’s Gavin Newsom was touring southern Republican states and trashing the way they are being run.

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Distinguished Investigative Reporting

A nation had been captivated for days by a heist in Arizona. An area Dairy Queen had its 10-foot-tall, red spoon stolen from outside its location. Security footage showed three individuals with a flatbed trailer making off with the decorative utensil.

But now, it can be reported that thanks to the intrepid work of a 52-year-old resident who was playing the phone app game Pokemaon Go!, the spoon was located dumped in a playing field at a nearby school.

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Distinguished National Reporting

Bertrand gave us the update on the Chinese spy balloon caper, where it was learned that the Chinese had been able to broadcast its findings live (unlike what we were told), and that they were able to erase the broadcasts after (unlike what we were told).

But Bertrand was able to report that intelligence officials were able to say the Chinese did not learn much in the way of sensitive information — while in the same breath stating they have no way of knowing what it was that the Chinese had learned.

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Distinguished Local Reporting

We get this gripping account of a local Texas man who is incurring many unwelcome and belligerent guests at his home as a result of an Apple iPhone tech glitch. Richmond resident Scott Schuster details how numerous people arrive at his doorstep in angry fashion, because Apples “Find My iPhone” function is delivering people to his address.

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Distinguished Features Writing

For reasons that makes sense only to those writing scripts for the production studio The Asylum, to be shown on the Sy Fy Channel, a company out of Australia created a mammoth meatball. That is not to say it is a colossally-sized pelota of beef, but the clone of woolly mammoth meat.

In partnership with the University of Queensland’s Institute for Bioengineering, cultured-meat company Vow combined the mammoth myoglobin with DNA from an African elephant, the woolly mammoth’s closest living relative. They then inserted that DNA into sheep cells, which then multiplied into tens of millions of cells to become this behemoth of a meatball. 

Then in classic, “no one asked if they should” fashion, none of the scientists who created this morsel has the stones to actually go ahead and sample the appetizer.

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Distinguished Cultural Commentary

Most people who frequent Starbucks locations already have a grasp of what type of drink they prefer. Even first-time consumers are likely to trend toward selections that fit already established tastes. But apparently, adherents of the Zodiac system see their caffeine intake dictated not by their taste buds, but by the stars.

The coffee emporium franchise has teamed with a phone app, Sanctuary, to partner you with the perfect cup of joe based on your astrology sign.

According to reps for both brands, the partnership is celebrating the astrological new year, which started on Monday, March 20 with an interactive website. The site, called Starbucks Star Signs, matches customers with their perfect Starbucks drink and spring horoscope.

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