Anyone reading these virtual pages for more than the last six minutes will already know that I'm a big proponent of the rural lifestyle and a big fan of the outdoors. I was raised in a predominantly rural home, my parents loved the outdoors, and I had a wondrous youth in the wooded hills of northeast Iowa, roaming the hills and valleys with a fishing pole, a shotgun, or a .22 rifle - sometimes all three. I lived for many years in Colorado, which has a great outdoor tradition of its own, and now live in Alaska, where we are surrounded by outdoorsy opportunities, not the least of which is wildlife-watching. In fact, there is so much wildlife around that sometimes we find that the wildlife is watching us, which can be a trifle unsettling.
With sixty-some years of rural/outdoor life under my belt (not to mention all the other things I have under my belt), and after the years I have been singing the praises of the rural lifestyle while also advising people get out of the cities, it happens that I have some thoughts on living the rural/outdoor life. In fact, I have ten. Here they are:
- Caps/hats. For one thing, a cap has a bill, a hat has a brim, but that's picking nits. Caps are useful, and there's a good reason why most rural and outdoorsy types have large collections of caps. Take mine; I have close to three figures of caps, including caps for every purpose: I have my lucky fishing cap, my lucky hunting cap, my lucky grass-mowing cap, my lucky firewood-cutting cap, my lucky beer-drinking cap, and my lucky video-recording cap. It's usual to have one for every purpose.
- Layers. Oh, plenty of outdoor resources will lecture you on layers, but none of them mention the need for a t-shirt layer. The preferred outdoor t-shirt design has holes for ventilation, preferably on the mid-back or under the arms. The best equipment, after all, is the well-seasoned equipment.
- Flannel. It's America's fabric. Wool is great, too, but nothing says "rural" more than the traditional flannel shirt.
- Speed. If you're in bear country, or mountain lion country, or any manner of large, toothy apex predator country, always make sure to travel with a companion you can outrun. Should it come to that, take the legal precaution of shouting "I'm going for help" over your shoulder as you run away.
- Always carry a deck of cards when you're out in the wild places. No matter how far out in the boonies you are, no matter how rugged the country, no matter how bad the weather, if you get lost, all you need to do is sit down at a convenient stump and deal the cards out for a game of solitaire. Within a few minutes, someone will show up to remind you to place the black 7 on the red 8. With any luck, they'll know the way to the nearest highway.
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- The best places to live, if it's the rural lifestyle you're looking for, are the places where you can not only have a tractor, but where it makes sense to have a tractor.
- If you are, again, in bear country, be sure to carry some bear spray and wear bells on your clothing. Bears enjoy some spicy seasonings with their meals, and they enjoy music while they eat. You'll still be being eaten, but at least you're providing the bear some added pleasure on your way out, which may score you some karma points.
- When mowing the grass, you're liable to stir up mosquitoes. In fact, here in south-central Alaska, you may stir up enough mosquitoes to not only carry you away, but your mower as well. There are a million over-the-counter sprays and lotions to keep biting bugs away, but none of them work as well as a cigar. I prefer Parodi cheroots, but that's the mower's choice.
- Camouflage. It's America's color. Rural folks and outdoorsy types might wear it for practical reasons, but camouflage is never out of place, not in church, not at a wedding, nor a funeral. I don't make these rules; I just know what they are.
- Always carry a compass. If you get lost, taking a compass out of your pocket and scrutinizing it will make your companions relax, as they assume you know what you're doing. Of course, a compass only tells you where "north" is when what you really need is a compass that tells you where "truck" is, but the illusion can help your companions avoid panic. As for avoiding panic yourself, the compass won't help. Sorry.
Additional: You can never have too many hats or too many pairs of cowboy boots.
Take these tips to heart. We have a long weekend coming up, and a lot of people will be venturing into the outdoors. Feel free to print these tips out and carry them along.
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