Joe Biden faced down his arch-nemesis again on Wednesday. No, I’m not talking about Vladimir Putin or Xi Jinping. I’m talking about whatever stage he happens to be speaking on at any given time.

Like a Rubix cube where you must complete a trigonometry problem before each turn, Biden simply can’t figure out how to exit a stage. This has been a recurring theme for years, and the examples are almost too numerous to count (see here, here, and here for starters).

You’d think after so many public appearances, the president would figure out that you simply walk off a stage the exact way you entered it. It’s not as if someone is moving the stairs or the backstage is being relocated during his remarks. But expecting Biden to figure that out is a bit like expecting a five-year-old to do advanced calculus. Honestly, I’d be more comforted if Biden were just forgetting how he walked up due to his declining mental state. That would be preferable to him actually being perplexed by the monumental task of walking sideways.

What gives Biden more trouble? Stages or teleprompters? I guess that’s akin to asking whether you’d rather be mauled by a lion or a bear. It’s all bad news.

But hey, the president did actually give a speech before losing another battle with his surroundings. Statistics always give him trouble, and this was no exception.

Let me help Biden’s handlers out. There are three things you should never let him do. One, never let him try to name members of his cabinet. Two, never let him tell jokes. Lastly, never, ever let him try to quote any statistic.  Numbers and Joe Biden do not get along.

Actually, let’s make a fourth rule. Don’t let Joe Biden tell personal anecdotes, specifically regarding anything to do with his younger years.

From hand-to-hand combat with “Corn Pop” to wondering how thin his parents’ walls were as a child, nothing good can come from the president reminiscing about, well, just about anything.

But hang on, we might need a fifth rule because Biden can’t be trusted to talk about policy either. For example, he thinks a debt-ceiling deal that holds 2022 spending levels with a capped increase each year is a “cut” in veterans’ healthcare.

That was a lie so egregious that even The Washington Post, a fact-checking institution with a checkered record at best, couldn’t let Biden get away with it. They slapped him with four Pinnochios, denoting the worst possible rating for a lie they give out.

Looking at all this in its totality, I guess what I’m telling Biden’s handlers to do is to just lock him in a padded room. There is basically no topic and no situation you can let him loose with where he won’t end up showcasing his senility and shameless dishonesty. Best to go back to the basement strategy because that’s the president’s only hope of re-election.