Sure Philly is known as the City of Brotherly Love, but most of us know it as the city that booed Santa. The city that, if it wins a pro sports championship, its loyal fans trash the city and burn a half- dozen cop cars. Just so I don’t receive too many death threats from City of Brotherly Love residents, I think the greatest mascot in professional sports is the Phillie Phantic. (The second-place mascot is a distant second. So, we good? ) 

Anyway, before Ball-Swiping, Philly Karen, there was a guy named Matthew Clemmens who became infamous while attending a Philly game. Fifteen years ago, Clemmens was attending a Phillies vs. Nationals game at Citizens Bank Park. Matt, it seems, was attending a game with his Jersey buds shortly after his 21st birthday. He wasn’t from Philly. He was from Cherry Hill, New Jersey. It’s about a 30-minute drive from Cherry Hill to the stadium across the Delaware River. I’m sure the boys had a designated driver... 

Anyway, things were getting heated in the stands. Michael Vangelo, who happened to be a police captain, was sitting with his two daughters, one 11 years old and the other 15. Behind the Vangelos family was a group of obnoxious fans. Captain Vangelo had had enough and had the obnoxious fans removed. Matt Clemmens was not removed with the first group. He remained behind Vangelo and his daughters. Matt was loaded for bear and loaded with beer. And he was destined for infamy. Matt decided that the Vangelos family was in the wrong. Matt leaned in and over, stuck his fat fingers down his throat, and projectile vomited all over the Vangelos girls.  

“There’s absolutely no mistaking that he did it intentionally,” Vangelo said. “It was the most disgusting thing that ever happened in my life. I remember it like it was yesterday.” 

Vangelo said Matt got upset after his friends were thrown out and thought Vangelo was responsible. 

“I hear him say on the cell phone, ‘I have to do what I gotta do.’ I turn around and he has two fingers down his throat to intentionally vomit. I told my kids to run, lifted my hands to deflect the vomit.” 

Fortunately, that afront was even too much for Philly fans. Matt got jumped by fans and held down until the cops showed up. Matt's face got into a fight with several fists. His mugshot became infamous. Matt was a round-faced, blonde-haired guy who clearly got the Jersey beat out of him. The mug shot shows him with a professional shiner of his left eye. Henceforth, he was known as “Pukemon.” 

Websites created “player” cards with his mugshot on them. You can find his mugshot here.  

Matt pled guilty to assault. In exchange the charges of corruption of a minor and reckless endangerment were dropped. He could have served five years in the big house.

A Family Court judge sentenced Matthew Clemmens to 30 to 90 days in jail, two years of probation and 50 hours of community service at Citizens Bank Park.

He served a month in a local slammer, and said of the experience that his cellmates were “nice.”

Matt Clemmens had burnished his Jersey cred with his conviction. I imagined at the time that Clemmens probably thought his disgusting vomit comet and later conviction was worth it. His relatives (who weren’t there) claimed that he was “set up” and the cops had beaten poor Matt. He was the victim. I could imagine Matt and his beer-buds sitting around a BBQ at Cherry Hill, and one of his buds asks him to retell the story of his infamy. Matt would take a swig from his Pabst Blue Ribbon, and retell his greatest moment, something like this: 

Ya knowz, we wuz havin’ a good time, ya knowz? Yeah we wuz drunk ant loud, but sos what, you knowz? Dis guy, he rats out my buds to da popo, and my buds gets tron out of da paak, ya know? Sos I go bonkas, you knowz, and I looked downz at da utta guy and his dauttas who ratted us out and I says, What da faak! Ya lousy rats!, I ain’t ganna put up wit yuz rattin’ us out! Here… I gat smutin for yaz! And I stuck my fingas down my mouth and cabloooy! all over dem rats! 

Unfortunately, Matt wasn’t around for the five-year reunion with his beer buds. Clemmens got a blood infection and died at the age of 25.  

Matt Clemmens wasn’t around for the explosion of social media and its shame-machine. Once someone pulls what Philly Karen did, it will go viral and live forever.  She won’t be charged with a crime. But she will be charged with 1st degree Karenism, and will live in infamy.  You have to love "the internets"

I believe that she will not be able to avoid the "look." Every restaurant, every story, everywhere she goes, she will wonder who will recognize her, point at her, and say: 

Hey? You’re that jerk Karen... the Ball Thief – right? That’s you! 

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