Ammo Grrrll looks back to count A FEW THINGS I HAVE LEARNED THIS YEAR and throws in some good advice to boot. We look back with gratitude for her weekly contributions over the past 10 years. The grrrll thinks funny. She writes:
In past years that have drawn to a close, I have felt compelled to offer a few New Year’s Resolutions. I will forego that this year for a couple of reasons. First, it appears that, in the words of the late great Jimmy Buffett, “I’m growing older but not up; my metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck.” So, my traditional resolution to lose weight is clearly not ever going to happen. No, not ever.
In fact, I know with complete certainty that IF reincarnation turns out to be a thing, I would not be thin in subsequent lives either. Even if, as I’ve heard, one comes back as a “lesser” being, I would still be an overweight lesser being: a chubby chinchilla, an obese ocelot, a whale-ish White House spokescretin, a pudgy platypus, whatever.
And furthermore, as far as any other efforts at self-improvement, I am a stone’s throw from 80, and it would seem that this is pretty much as good as I’m going to get. Third, I take such massive offense at the inane, self-righteous, childish, Progressive blanket exhortation to “Do better” that, just out of spite, I will “do the same” instead. Say it again, and I’ll do “worse.” To borrow a signature phrase from comic Ron White, “I’ve seen me do it.”
So forget the tedious Resolutions. This will be a few random, whimsical things that I have noticed or learned in a year that cannot end soon enough.
There is no such thing as a “small” burn. They all hurt like bloody heck. Over the last couple of weeks doing Chanukah prep I sustained two ridiculous injuries, one traditional, one shocking. First, making the Latkes I only serve once during the eight days, I grated off a painful chunk of my middle fingertip and it still hurts as I try to type this many days later. It is a tiny little thing, but it has brought home to me just how much we use that middle fingertip. There are only a couple of places on the human body MORE sensitive than the fingertips, and none of them gets near a grater.
The burn, on the other hand, was a grave disappointment. Not only because it hurt a lot, but because it was connected to an epic FAILURE, whereas the grated middle finger at least resulted in some righteous Latkes. I had been paging through a “Comfort Food” cookbook when my eye fell on a recipe for Apple Fritters. I was suspicious of the batter and I was right to be: it did not adhere to the apple slices at all.
Still hopeful, I dropped it into the lava-hot oil and plopped some more batter on the other side, then attempted to flip it. Instead, I dropped the hot greasy side on the tender underside of my right wrist. I probably couldn’t replicate that accident exactly if I were PAID to do so. I put ice cubes on it before it could cook from medium rare to well done and applied Lanacane and a sterile pad secured with a scrunchie until I could find the tape. It’s all healed up now without even a scar and I do have a “resolution” of sorts – always to BUY any deep-fried bakery confections.
Here’s another thing I’ve learned that several other people have mentioned having learned as well: I no longer wonder how the Holocaust could have happened.
But, on the upbeat side, we have learned that Allies come from surprising places. God Bless John Fetterman and his steadfast support for Israel. As we saw a couple of weeks ago, Chris Cuomo rose many many degrees in my estimation with his heartfelt reaction to viewing the hideous Atrocity Video. Dr. Phil as well. Bill Maher has done excellent work, too. And even more recently, RFK Jr. did a great job combating the lies of some former MSNBC terrorism supporter. Since his father was murdered by a “Palestinian,” he is not terrorist-friendly.
On the other hand, our enemies have been pretty predictable – The 100 percent reliable Terrorist Caucus in the House; brain-dead actors and entertainers – Taylor Swift? Seriously? — bearded women rabbis; mentally ill climate junkies; a handful of self-hating Jews hoping to be eaten last; the most unpopular Vice President in the history of the office; cowards who initially say, “Oh, I’m with you,” until they are swarmed on social media and support might actually cost them something.
Depressing, but hardly surprising. I’m actually glad Kamala isn’t in our camp – it will be that much more sweet to watch her be beaten like a rented mule by Trump in the event that Obama’s senile sock puppet should be forced out by impeachment, Obama’s fiat, or a final fatal attack by some rogue stairsteps.
As if I had had any doubts before, “Feminism, Inc.” as a thing turned out to be worse than worthless. Having spent its faux outrage capital on lurid tales surfacing 25 years after the alleged nothingburger incident – “this actor touched my breast once!” “That guy tried to make me watch him shower!” “Dustin Hoffman told off-color jokes and used inappropriate language on the set!” (Dear God, say it isn’t so…) — feminism had nothing left over with which to protest gang rape, murdering women and burning babies alive as a weapon of war. But let us leave the dark things we have learned this year and look for some nuggets of joy.
A snack I usually put out on a New Year’s Eve or Birthday Buffet table is popcorn. Everybody loves it and as snacks go it’s reasonably healthy. Or was. Now Big Food in league with Big Weight Watchers has issued the following press release (which I just made up):
It has come to our attention that popcorn is a relatively low-calorie, low-carb treat that can be enjoyed by most in moderation without adverse effects. This needs to stop. What can we do to make popcorn more expensive, yet less healthy? Well, diversity being our strength, we looked to our Mexican (or LatinX) neighbors.
Long ago the Mexicans also felt that Ice Cream was just not fattening enough. They thought and thought about what they could do to increase the calorie content until some wise Latina (no, not the one on the Supreme Court) said shyly: “You could coat it in a sugary dough and FRY it!” And the Big Ice Cream execs said, “By Jove, I think she’s GOT it”!
And they gave her a bonus of Joe Biden’s ten million trillion billion million pesos, or $14.72, as a reward.
The pretend press release continued:
And with that as our lodestar, we took that relatively healthy popcorn and covered it first in chocolate, and lo, we saw that it was good. But not yet good enough. So, we Caramelized some, and put Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups into others and even Oreos into some more. And the people were pleased, because even the cardiologists, when threatened with the revocation of their licenses, agreed that Fat Is Beautiful!”
I might add – en passant — that this week ends my 10th columnizing year! Technically, it does not end until the end of March because my first column appeared in late March of 2014. But I prefer to “transition” to January-December going forward and unilaterally decided that, just this once, March-January is going to identify as a “year.” That is My Truth and that’s all that matters. Fridays continue to be my favorite day of the week with the column, commenter fun, AND Shabbat at sundown.
As every year on my anniversary, I thank the Power Line boys for allowing me a decade in which to opine, and then our ever-expanding family of readers and commenters who make the whole enterprise a total delight. Sure, it’s tough to read through 600-800 comments, but if you don’t, you’re guaranteed to miss something wonderful. Isn’t it amazing that on my first column, I got 15 comments and on the second 35? It took all the way until summer of 2018 before I hit 200 the first time.
And just like that – a decade of my life has raced by! It’s not true that your children grow up before you know it. They take 20, 30, 40 years and especially early on, even each individual day of diapers and feeding, laundry, drooling (the baby not you), teething and diapers and feeding, seems to last a fortnight. But after 60? The days just roll on relentlessly and rapidly. So grab every day by the neck and squeeze all the joy and love and chances to do kindness you can out of it. Never miss a chance to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you. Oh, and Happy New Year!