Forget the Russia-Ukraine War. The oldest war of all—the War Between the Sexes—has a new front opening this summer: the Battle of Barbecue Grill.

Someone on Twitter named @Judiana (“Ruckus Causing Redhead”) blasted out this bellicose manifesto:

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity .

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory twenty foot exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

This is not at all how it goes in the Hayward Grill & Wine Bar, but whatever. My pal and occasional (and future) Power Line contributor Ken Green @EnvirodocKG gamely responds:

You missed a few points on the guy’s side…

1 – The man has carefully and skillfully prepared the BBQ apparatus, cleaning it for the season, laying in fuel, ensuring the BBQ is fully operational. He probably cut himself a few times doing this, and probably inadvertently rubbed month’s old accumulated bbq grease and soot from last year into the cuts, and might die. He determines that is an adequate risk, and recalls that he had a tetanus shot…sometime in the 1980s, so he’s good. Alternately, having seen the neighbor’s new BBQ rig, the man may have decided that this would be a good year to buy a new BBQ, which, of course, is not a task that can be delegated to the woman of the house. $1,000.00 later…

2 – Risking life and limb (the one not holding the beer), the man kindles excessively large flames in the BBQ apparatus. Sometimes, with that innate male sense of showmanship (note that there’s no word such as “show-woman-ship”) he will squirt some liquid fossil fuel derivative from 4 feet away into the raging inferno. This elicits squeals of horror from observing females (particularly if it is a gas grill) and, if he does not ignite himself, the man finds this amusing, and worthy of a rewarding drink of beer.

3 – Searing off all of his arm hair, the man pokes at the various foods on the grill incessantly (and needlessly) with tongs that are probably too short for the raging inferno of the grill. He may flip the food over with spatulas that are likely also too small for the task at hand. Slurping down another beer, he wonders why there is never room in the kitchen for proper sized BBQ tools, though there is always room for a 17th set of bizarre utensils such as the “cake fork,” or “fish fork.”

4 – Using the intuition evolved over millions of years of cooking-over-fire, the man cooks the food to the proper degree of done-ness, at least, to his desired degree of done-ness. If he doesn’t get distracted, or have too much beer. Or accidentally drop some of the food down into the bed of the BBQ, where it burns lustfully, causing massive amounts of smoke, disturbing the neighbors.

5 – Finally, the man banks the sacred flame – ensuring it will still provide amusement for the offspring making dessert later on. Preparing himself for the auditory onslaught to occur at that later point of the evening, the man reaches for another beer….

I do think this entire issue could benefit from some peer review from Ammo Grrrll.

Meanwhile, I’ll get into the swing of it soon myself (and yes, you put a lid on):