Some stories practically write themselves.
As if trudging up Slide Mountain in the Catskills wasn't thrilling enough, four hikers packed psychedelic mushrooms, got higher than the summit, and wound up so bloody stoned they couldn't find their way back.
Somewhere along the line, their bad "trip" led to an awful trip: they also lost their car keys. Those fellas didn't find enlightenment; they found a new way of being stupid dressed in hiking boots.
According to the New York Department of Environmental Conservation, the dudes were so out of it they needed Forest Rangers to haul them out. They didn't twist an ankle or get caught in a surprise storm; their situation was self-inflicted chaos, the kind one only gets when recreational drugs meet rugged terrain.
Forest Rangers Franceschina, Jefferey, and Martin, backed by the Pine Hill Fire Department, not only responded, but they delivered. They navigated the terrain, found the hikers, and got them off the mountain before the sun set.
Apparently, their duty didn't end with the completed rescue; they returned the next day to find the lost keys.
Consider the difference between the two groups: The hikers stupidly brought and ingested mushrooms and needed help. The rescuers risked life and limb to save the stoners, then retraced their steps to play a scavenger hunt for car keys.
They exemplify professionalism, grace in the face of nonsense, and a reminder that while government often disappoints, there are enough public servants out there to make us proud that our tax dollars fund them.
Unfortunately, the kind of rescue in New York wasn't a one-off. Earlier this year, two other mushroom-fed hikers were so out of their minds on Cascade Mountain that they believed a friend had died, so they called 911. There was only one thing wrong with their thinking: he wasn't dead, just alive enough to feel embarrassed about having to explain the circumstances surrounding his friends to first responders. Common sense disappears faster than cell service after psychedelics hit the bloodstream.
Hopefully, by now, grown adults who enjoy mushrooms will stay home with their lava lamp, listening to Pink Floyd.
As flippant as I was earlier in this column, I need to be serious now: Hiking while high isn't anything like a spiritual bonding session with nature. It's not Thoreau at Walden Pond; it's recklessness that not only endangers you but also puts the people who have to drag your arse out of the woods in danger. There are already too many dangerous things in nature that harm you, such as cliffs, rivers, bears, and other predators. Hallucinogens are another strike against you that you don't need.
I believe in "live and let live," so if you want to trip, fine, do it at home, where the carpet doesn't eat your shoelaces, while the couch doesn't laugh at your stupidity.
But, do not drag your bad decisions into a forest and dial 911 when the trees start speaking Shakespeare.
I've never seen them, but I've listened to people who have described the Catskills as one of the most beautiful areas in America. They should be hiked, explored, and respected by people who know what they're doing or those who are legitimately learning how to enjoy those activities.
What the Catskills are not is a psychedelic playground, which four mushroom-loving idiots learned the hard way, even if they're able to remember it. Thankfully for all involved, New York's rangers and firefighters did an incredible job, making it look easy due to their excellent training.
As the closing credits scroll, wilderness endured, rescuers rose to the occasion, and the hikers became the beginning of a dumb joke: Four stoned hikers went up a mountain...
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