“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.” —William “Billy Boy” Shakespeare

With all due respect to the Bard, Juliet was absolutely, completely wrong with the aforementioned quote. (But then again, she was a stupid 13-year-old child, which kind of ruins that “romantic” love story.) Turns out, names are incredibly important! Been that way since the Biblical age, when names and titles were Divinely bestowed: Jacob became Israel; Abram became Abraham.

Last year, my home in Tampa Bay was flooded by hurricanes Helene and Milton, causing lots of damage (and ruining three of our cars). We would’ve evacuated WAY earlier if the hurricanes had been renamed Satan and Lucifer. I’m not afraid of a Helene or a Milton, but I ain’t sticking around for Hurricane Lucifer.

That’s the power of names.

Donald Trump is probably the most adept politician in history at naming things. (Close runner-up is Alexander the Great, but he only named stuff after himself, which got repetitive. Although, one time, he named a city after his horse.) Trump named his movement “MAGA.” He renamed Hillary Clinton “Crooked Hillary.” Joe Biden became “Sleepy Joe.” Nikki Haley became “Birdbrain.” Adam Schiff is “Shifty Schiff.” And Elizabeth Warren, of course, will forever be known as “Pocahontas.”

At first, the political press excoriated Trump for “lowering the public discourse” with his “unpresidential” name-calling. (And then they called him “literally Hitler” for the next eight years straight, demonstrating that their objection to name-calling was highly selective.)

But Trump was right. Names are part and parcel of a person’s brand identity, so if you can redefine their name, you can redefine their brand. It’s a clever PR tactic. And it’s worth noting that it took a non-politician like Trump — someone from outside the political establishment — to recognize its utility.

As the old expression goes, “Whoever discovered water wasn’t a fish.” Disruptive new ideas almost always come from the outside.

And the disruptions keep on coming: The Gulf of Mexico is now the Gulf of America. The Panama Canal may become the American Canal. (Which is an idea I think Trump stole from me, but that’s okay, because I stole the idea from Father Guido Sarducci.) The Gaza Strip will be the new French Riviera.

Then we come to Canada.

You know the dealio: “Governor” Trudeau. Our 51st state. Not a real country.

Well, a few days ago, the soon-to-be state of Canada beat the United States of America in a little-known sport called “hockey.” (It’s a weird, niche game with sticks, skates, and a puck. Apparently, people play it when it’s too damn icy to try a REAL sport, like football or baseball.) Flushed with a glorious Canuck victory, Governor Trudeau puffed out his chest and whipped out the ol’ Tweeting Machine:

I don’t know what that means. Kudos to Canada for winning one (exhibition?) game, but a Canadian team hasn’t won the Stanley Cup since 1993! That’s so long ago, I’m mocking you — and I’m a freaking Dallas Cowboys fan! (Hey, we last won the Super Bowl in 1996. We’re at least 2.5 years better than Canada.)

Along with his knack at naming, the other thing we know (and love) about Donald Trump is that he’s one helluva counterpuncher. You come at him with a jab, and Trump will respond with an uppercut, a rabbit punch, brass knuckles, an eyeball gouge, and a swift kick to the family jewels.

Trump doesn’t do “proportionate responses.” 

So we know he’ll be responding to Trudeau. We know he won’t let our northernmost governor get in the last word. The question, then, is how.

And I think I’ve got another really good idea for Trump to steal:

In the aftermath of the “Gulf of America,” we’ve learned the official policy of Google Maps: Whenever the U.S. government changes a name in its U.S. Geographic Names System, Google’s policy is to immediately use that name within that country. That’s why Google Maps complied so quickly, adopting the new name of “Gulf of America” for all U.S.-based users.

You know what this means, right?

If Trump wants to change the name of Canada in the U.S. Geographic Names System, Google will have NO CHOICE but to run with it!

This is a target-rich opportunity for mischief!

Trump could rename Canada “The 51st State.” Or “The No Stanley Cup Place.” Or “Where America Stores Our Zamboni Equipment.”

But I’m kind of partial to Homer Simpson’s name for Canada:

The United States of America and “America Junior.” Now that’s a catchy name!

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