My wife and I are retired, elderly and proud of our family, which includes three daughters and several grandchildren. Fortunately, we have had the ability to be financially generous with our family and have established educational trusts for each of our grandchildren’s college tuition. All of our grandchildren have been appreciative, except for the youngest, who is 17 and a senior in high school. She never thanked us for funding her educational trust, and she has also neglected to thank us for the birthday gifts we have given her the past several years. At family get-togethers, she is openly effusive in greeting her aunts, uncle and cousins, but ignores us unless we approach her.

We’ve discussed this situation with our daughter (her mother) and have asked her if we’ve done something to antagonize this granddaughter. She tells us no, and that her daughter is just being a teenager. (Our other daughters agree with this assessment too.) We love our granddaughter and admire her accomplishments, but we are hurt by what appears to be her deliberate ignoring of our presence. My concern is not only with our feelings, but with her seeming failure to understand that her behavior is hurtful. I think that this kind of uncaring behavior from a high school senior is immature and mean spirited.

Our daughter discourages us from talking to our granddaughter about our frustration. We’ve considered withholding our annual donation to her college fund and limiting the value of her birthday gift, but we both agree that would be petty (and mean spirited as well). Can we discuss this with our granddaughter despite her mother’s admonition and recommendation to “leave it alone”? Do we wait until she’s 18 to discuss this adult to adult? Names Withheld

From the Ethicist:

There are a couple of distinct issues, as you recognize, in deciding whether or not to take up your granddaughter’s treatment of you directly with her. One is what to make of her behavior. Your daughter says she’s just being a teenager, but learning the consequences of one’s behavior — in this case, the bruised feelings of loving grandparents — can help teenagers mature. You have an independent relationship with this teenager; if you think your daughter’s recommendation is mistaken, you can tell her so and let her know you’re going to talk to your granddaughter about your concerns. She’s old enough to enlist in the military and old enough to understand how you feel; the fact that she is some months shy of becoming a legal adult makes no real difference.

It could be that your daughter has her reasons for wanting you to refrain. Usually, parents prod their children toward politeness: send your cousin that thank-you note, give your aunt a hug. Regardless of whether your granddaughter enjoys your company, she could easily be civil. Have you, unknowingly, offended the teenager in ways your daughter doesn’t want to bring up? If your daughter has tried to correct her, the effort obviously hasn’t been very successful. Is the child resisting her mother’s promptings? Or is your daughter’s real concern simply that you’ll mishandle the conversation?

Which brings us to the second question you raise. What will the effect be on your relationship with your granddaughter? Even if she senses she is not treating you properly, making this explicit could easily backfire: People often respond with resentment when the person they have wronged points out the wrongdoing. If there’s a conversation to be had, it shouldn’t be accusatory or aggrieved; you can ask if you’ve done anything to make her feel distant from you, while emphasizing how much you care about her.

Precisely because your financial generosity to your granddaughter is an expression of familial love, it shouldn’t be part of this discussion. The real problem with reducing your largess is that if she then mended her ways, you would all end up wondering whether you had effectively purchased her displays of affection. This could permanently damage your relationship with her. Authentic gratitude is what you’re entitled to, and it isn’t for sale.

Readers Respond

The previous newsletter’s question was from someone who wanted advice on how to nudge in-laws not to bring their dog with them when they visited: “Shouldn’t they just accept the fact that not everyone is comfortable with a pet and find ways to leave it at home (for a few hours) instead of taking it with them everywhere they go? … How can we delicately and politely let them know without hurting their feelings?”

In his response, the Ethicist encouraged candor: “Your in-laws can’t take your aversion into account if you don’t tell them about it. Your indirect hinting is clearly a dog whistle they’re unable to hear. Being truly courteous calls for being clear: You want to see them without their furry companion. At this point, you may have to explain why you didn’t convey your concerns earlier, and you may not be able to avoid hurt feelings altogether.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)

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I love pets and have always had them. My dog Violet means a great deal to me. However, I’ve never had the audacity to drag them with me while visiting friends and family. It’s an uncomfortable situation for both pets and people. This couple has every right to expect that their loved ones ask each time if dogs are allowed before visiting, and they shouldn’t feel bad for doing so. — Lisa

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I agree with the Ethicist, but I noticed that he did not talk about why it was the letter writer who has to communicate these boundaries, as opposed to her husband. She says she hates to bring it up to him. But it is his brother with whom the problem exists. Why wouldn’t they share the responsibility for this? — Shari

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Dogs are like children to most dog owners. Unless the dog is aggressive or otherwise troublesome, I would suggest the hosts do their best to accommodate the pet just as they would a child. Yes, they’re not the same, but tell that to a dog owner. Is it really worth ostracizing someone over this just because your husband and children “aren’t incredibly fond of pets?” — Kevin

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I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s never the pet that is the problem, but rather the owner. Some owners are in over their heads and others are simply oblivious to the (negative) impact their pets have on others. In this instance, the owners are oblivious. My experience with obliviousness is that it requires the proverbial sledgehammer to get the message across. Good luck talking nice. — Todd

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I was so disappointed that this question was even included in The Ethicist column. I am hard-pressed to think of any situation that would ethically require someone to accept an animal that is not theirs into their home. So instead of an ethics question, our columnist is left settling a case of manners. I suspect that this letter was printed because of an abundance of similar questions sent in, and so to all of those writers, I say, “Stand up for yourself!” — Andy

Kwame Anthony Appiah teaches philosophy at N.Y.U. His books include “Cosmopolitanism,” “The Honor Code” and “The Lies That Bind: Rethinking Identity.” To submit a query: Send an email to ethicist@nytimes.com.