Twelve years ago, I broke up with my mother. She beat me and my siblings hundreds of times in our youth, and she inflicted on us an array of other behaviors that qualified as emotional abuse — from insults and tirades to humiliation and gaslighting. Her abuse continued into my 40s, when, after years of futile efforts to change the dynamic between us, I severed ties with her for good.

I expected to feel guilt and grief after my decision, and I did. I didn’t expect to feel joy, but I did. Cutting ties with my mother was one of the most transformative, liberating moments of my entire life. It filled me with uplifting emotions — peace, pride, elation, anger (yes, anger can be uplifting) — that I never felt before.

But for several years, I kept my happiness mostly to myself. During much of that time, my happiness took a back seat to my shame.

Cultural taboos against estrangement — cutting or limiting ties with relatives — make even the most well-intentioned souls withhold support from those who need and deserve it most. When I tell people I’ve written a book that argues for stepping away from relatives who have done us physical or psychological harm, the most common response is concern but not necessarily for those of us who step away. Many people worry about the family members who were cut off. “Isn’t that devastating for your relatives?” they ask. Or “Isn’t no contact kind of drastic?”

Still others retain a fixation on reconciliation, even suggesting that advice to cut ties is immoral. Some openly questioned my ethics, reminding me that spanking was perfectly acceptable among my mother’s peers or assuring me that she was doing the best she could or berating me for my refusal to forgive and forget. For a long time, I was unable to offer the correct response to such judgments: No abuser’s ignorance or era or condition excuses her behavior any more than her treatment of us gives us license to abuse other people.

My experience of abuse and estrangement, along with that of dozens of other survivors I spoke with, convinces me that estrangement is often the most moral option. What’s immoral is encouraging people to remain in relationships that hurt them.