I first met Carmen, the subject of the short documentary above, while researching a film I was planning to make about euthanasia, which was legalized in Spain in 2021. Her story was unusual — she wanted to end her life, but she could not apply for legal euthanasia because she did not have a terminal illness or pain severe enough to qualify. The first time I met her, she told me she was planning to end her life in six months.

As a filmmaker, I had complicated feelings about Carmen’s choice and my role in her journey. As I first got to know her, I had the hope that the process of filming could influence her to at least postpone her departure. But she had made this decision years ago.

A former Catholic nun who had spent over a decade in a convent, she said of organized religion: “They instill fear so you can’t be free. Freedom is what is truly terrifying!” She lived the rest of her life rebelling against that fear. I eventually came to the realization that I was making this film because I’m afraid of death, and she was not.

Carmen’s case raises a question: Should the elderly have the choice to die if they feel ready, even though they could stay with us longer? Making this film did not make answering that any easier, and I do not want Carmen to serve as an example. Ultimately, making this film taught me more about how she chose to live than how she chose to die.

If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or go to SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for a list of additional resources. Go here for resources outside the United States.

Guillermo F. Flórez is a documentary filmmaker based in Spain.

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