I can’t remember when it started, but over the past several years, it’s become a common comedic refrain among busy people of my acquaintance to declare how much they love it when someone cancels plans. What a gift, a last-minute reprieve! One moment you thought you were going to a movie and dinner after work, the next you have a totally unscheduled evening with which to do whatever you’d like. Get in your jammies early and watch TV? Order in? The night’s your playground! The plans you made eagerly, once canceled, reveal themselves to have been a distasteful obligation on par with returning a router to the cable company.
An old John Mulaney clip puts it plainly: “Percentagewise, it is 100 percent easier not to do things than to do them. And so much fun not to do them!” he says. “Especially when you were supposed to do them.”
I used to cancel passively, letting the day grow late without confirming an evening’s plans so that their certainty grew hazy. Then I or my friend would send that text saying, “Hey, are we on for tonight? No worries if you’re not up for it,” handing the other the privilege of canceling without guilt. The result was the same: an unexpectedly unscheduled night, an obligation removed.
Technology makes backing out frictionless. And that, I think, is what’s made me reconsider my position. The ease with which we can back out via text renders every plan a phantom. It makes it possible, whether we mean it or not, to treat our relationships with a lack of commitment. And, crucially, easy asynchronous communication allows us to be careless with other people’s time. My friend Indrani pointed out how she bristles when someone cancels plans by saying, “I’m freeing up your evening!” as if assuming she had other options when she was truly looking forward to seeing them.
Maybe it’s the coming winter and its promise of more nights at home, or the research I did about loneliness for a recent story, but I’ve been cherishing and looking forward to the plans I’ve made. I’ve enjoyed looking at the month’s calendar and seeing a night at the theater with an old friend, a drink date I scheduled months ago for “when things get a little less crazy,” even though things aren’t any less crazy. And I’ve gotten a little pickier about what I say yes to, trying to forecast my energy levels when I’m agreeing to attend an 8:30 p.m. breathwork workshop on that Wednesday in November, asking myself if I really want to do the thing before I consent.
Brad Stulberg wrote a lovely guest essay for Times Opinion a couple of years ago about the importance of showing up, even if it’s a drag. The ultimate goal in keeping plans, he says, is creating community — a necessary component, we’re reminded over and over, to happiness and longevity. This may involve giving up some control of our time in the short term in the interest of giving our lives meaning in the long run.
We chafe at relationships that feel like obligations, but Stulberg sees obligations as “a mutual contract of responsibility” in the service of our larger goals for our lives. “If we commit to certain people and activities, if we feel an obligation to show up for them, then it’s likely that we will, indeed, show up,” he writes. “And showing up repeatedly is what creates community.”
When I asked friends about their feelings about canceling plans, they all said something about wanting to be people who show up, that this was important to their self-conception. We want community, to cultivate our relationships, but we also want to cultivate a character that we and others like and trust. Making plans and then actually showing up, even if we’re spent or cranky, is a simple way of acting with integrity. There’s so much that’s unsteady in the world, so much that feels inconstant. Being a dependable presence, keeping our word and our plans, is a small but indisputable way of resisting that.
Each Saturday, I receive so much interesting mail from readers with their thoughts on the week’s topic and I wish we could all have a conversation. This week, we can! If you have thoughts on canceling plans, let’s chat about them in the comments.
THE LATEST NEWS
Politics
The White House began laying off federal workers, following through on President Trump’s threats before the shutdown. The layoffs appeared to target more than 4,000 employees across seven major departments.
M.I.T. rejected the Trump administration’s offer to extend funding advantages if it agreed to certain changes. It’s the first school to say no.
The Trump administration canceled an enormous solar power project in the Nevada desert that would have been one of the world’s largest.
The E.P.A. asked scientists to look into methods to detect traces of abortion pills in wastewater — a practice sought by anti-abortion activists.
Marc Benioff, the C.E.O. of Salesforce, said that Trump should send National Guard troops to San Francisco.
Trump announced a deal with the British drugmaker AstraZeneca to lower Medicaid prescription prices, similar to the deal he struck with Pfizer last week.
Trump’s Foreign Policy
Trump threatened 100 percent tariffs on Chinese goods after China announced restrictions on exports of rare earth minerals. The stock market had its worst day in months.
Melania Trump said she was working with Vladimir Putin to return Ukrainian children who were separated from their families during the war.
International
Crowds of Gazans began a long march home after Israel announced that a cease-fire had begun. Many walked north toward Gaza City, carrying bags and children. “People are so happy, even if what they’re going back to is destruction,” one said.
President Emmanuel Macron of France reappointed Sébastien Lecornu as the country’s prime minister, less than a week after Lecornu had resigned amid political turmoil.
Other Big Stories
A powerful explosion ripped through an ammunition plant in Tennessee, rattling residents for miles and leaving half a square mile of fiery debris. At least 19 people are missing.
The Las Vegas Aces swept the Phoenix Mercury in the W.N.B.A. finals to win their third title in four seasons.
A snowstorm buried tents and stranded people on Mount Everest last weekend. Some experts think it may have been the mountain’s most intense storm on record.
THE WEEK IN CULTURE
Film and TV
Glenn Close graced the stage and screen for half a century. Now, the actress wants one more shot at the role that helped make her a star.
The former “West Wing” co-stars Allison Janney and Bradley Whitford are returning to the Oval Office in “The Diplomat.” It’s familiar territory: “We have been arguing in fake government buildings for over 20 years,” Janney said.
For the first time in the “Tron” movie franchise, the signature light cycles make their way into the real world. Watch how directors brought the scene to life.
It’s tough to make a film about a guy everyone loved. The new documentary about John Candy, the late actor and comedian, is good evidence of that.
Music
Kristi Noem, the homeland security secretary, attacked the country music star Zach Bryan for a new song that says ICE “is going to come bust down your door.” Bryan said the lyrics were “misconstrued.”
A federal judge dismissed Drake’s defamation lawsuit against his own record label for releasing a diss track by Kendrick Lamar that accused him of pedophilia.
A Times reporter sat down for a four-hour breakfast with Tyler, the Creator to understand how he thinks.
More Culture
Dozens of Christopher Columbus statues were toppled by protesters or removed by officials in 2020. Now, some are being restored in churches, museums and Italian American social clubs.
What would Elphaba grow? A new “Wicked”-themed plot at the New York Botanical Garden has some ideas.
CULTURE CALENDAR
???? “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” (Out now): In this dark comedy, Rose Byrne plays Linda, a therapist, a mother of a chronically ill child, a wife to an absentee husband, the occupant of a disintegrating home and a woman on the verge. It’s stressful viewing, which has earned the movie — directed and written by Mary Bronstein — comparisons to the work of the Safdie brothers (“Uncut Gems”). “Wrenching and at times suffocating, ‘If I Had Legs I’d Kick You’ is a howl of maternal desperation spiked with jagged humor,” our reviewer writes. Oh, Conan O’Brien’s in this movie. And A$AP Rocky, too.
RECIPE OF THE WEEK
Eggplant lasagna
Use the last of the season’s eggplants to make Lidey Hueck’s supremely comforting eggplant lasagna, in which she swaps the usual noodles for slabs of eggplant that have been roasted until soft. Then they get layered with soft ricotta, stretchy mozzarella and sweet tomato sauce for a gluten-free take on everyone’s favorite pasta bake.
REAL ESTATE
The Hunt: After a medical crisis, a couple decided to make one last move in Berkeley, Calif., with a $1.6 million budget. Which home did they choose? Play our game.
What you get for $650,000 in the English countryside: a thatch-roof cottage built in the 17th century; a three-bedroom house in a quiet village; or a two-bedroom stone cottage with a picket fence.
LIVING
Seriously spooky: For some Halloween superfans, preparations begin in April. These are their tips.
Bending borders: A family’s home has stood for a century — in four different countries.
Salty solution: Got cramps? Football players on the San Francisco 49ers are reaching for pickle juice and bananas.
Grip strength: You can do this effective exercise routine without even standing up.
ADVICE FROM WIRECUTTER
The beauty of French pharmacy products
Most French pharmacies are bastions of comfort and care, where anyone can walk in with clogged pores, chapped lips or cracked heels and leave with the exact thing they need. Part of the appeal is the pharmacists, who are more like primary-care providers, but it’s also the breadth of doctor-developed products these pharmacies have on hand. Happily, many of the best products from French pharmacies are sold in the U.S. Wirecutter’s beauty experts found the 13 best French pharmacy products you can get stateside, including multipurpose salves, soothing hydrators, refreshing sunscreens and comforting cleansers. — Jennifer G. Sullivan
GAME OF THE WEEK
Chicago Cubs vs. Milwaukee Brewers, N.L.D.S. Game 5: The Brewers had the best record in baseball this year, and a two-games-to-none lead in this series. Now they’re on the verge of elimination. They were one of the league’s top-scoring teams thanks to unrelenting small-ball. But the bats went quiet in Game 4, and their once-great pitching staff has looked vulnerable. The Athletic’s Andy McCullough says this series could come down to Jacob Misiorowski, a rookie pitcher for Milwaukee who had a phenomenal start to the season but faltered later in the summer. He looked like his old self in Game 2 — three scoreless innings out of the bullpen, with a fastball that hit 104 m.p.h. Can he do it again?
Tonight at 8 p.m. Eastern on TBS, TruTV and HBO Max
NOW TIME TO PLAY
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Thanks for spending part of your weekend with The Times. — Melissa
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