The word husband derives from the Olde English husbonda meaning “male head of a household, master.” Ick on both counts.

In a linguistic tragedy, husband became the preferred term for a married man, replacing wer, the much more metal sounding and decidedly less problematic appellation. Blessedly, “wer” lives (and howls) on as the prefix for werewolf, which, speaking as someone suckled on “Twilight,” is the kind of marriage candidate I can get on board with.

Some would argue that we live in a broken, patriarchal society that celebrates the role of men and the distinction of husband each and every day. Nevertheless, and in the interest of selling card and promoting good will, the third Saturday in April is observed as National Husband Day or World Husband Day. This year the date for husband veneration falls on April 15.

In honor of this day of days, we’re taking a look at how the signs of the zodiac influence the way husbandry is expressed. What follows is a general overview meant for entertainment purposes only.

Read for both the sun and Mars sign as the planet represents the masculine archetype and informs how, when and why we take action.

Read on, marry well, settle never.

What an Aries husband lacks in emotional stability, patience and personal reflection, he compensates for in cheap thrills, a child like sense of wonder and a willingness to work out differences through sex and athletics.

Aries husbands view their partners as true team mates and see marriage as a metaphorical getaway car. Coincidentally, they’re wildly impatient and give out a lot of high fives.

There is nothing subtle about an Aries, including their feelings making them refreshingly present and purposeful communicators that look to confront issues and resolve challenges as quickly as possible.

The Taurus husband is easy to love and impossible to change, trust that you’ll never go hungry or horny with this ilk. This is the sign that prioritizes self care, earthly delights and pragmatic decision making, placing much less emphasis on communication, cardio and leaving the house.

Emotionally unavailable, the Taurus husband would rather eat couch cushion crackers than talk about their feelings, admit defeat or accept help. On the uptick, they’re more the ‘stay the course’ than ‘grass is always greener’ type and their signature combination of loyalty and laziness make infidelity unlikely.

The Gemini husband might forget to pick up the kids or remain faithful but will never falter when it comes to communication, coming correct with the novel length apology texts, sentimental public toasts, relentless justifications for bad behavior and a surplus of inappropriate jokes.You might get burned but you’ll never get bored, folks.

Easily wounded, moody AF, emotionally punishing and prone to fits of resentment and ugly crying, what Cancer husbands lack in consistency they more than make up for in tenderness, anxious concern, soup making and other acts of service. Crabs have a relaxed relationship to traditional gender roles and so long as they feel safe they are an endless, albeit murky well of emotional support. See crab spouse Tom Hanks going full blown fan boy for wife Rita Wilson.

Leo loves loud and proud and as rulers of the fifth house of play, fertility and frivolity they revere family and require fun. Warm blooded animals they often conceive of love as a kind of performance art and are willing to be bold in gesture and public in declaration. Examples of devoted lions include Chris ‘married after three months’ Hemsworth, Barrack ‘Michelle upgraded me’ Obama and Ben ‘let me make you a cringe video montage’ Affleck.

At best, the Virgo husband’s attention to detail manifests as thoughtfulness; remembering everything you’ve ever said, cleaning out the hair combs and making sure you never run out of toilet paper, coffee or face cream. At worst, their propensity for noticing everything translates to judgement and an audible, critical, stream of consciousness. There’s a touch of the stage mom snob with this lot, wondering why you can’t be all that you were born to be, and coincidentally, exactly what they need you to be.

Real prince charming types, Libra husbands know exactly what people need to hear and deliver; whether they mean what they say is a matter of debate. Well mannered and good looking, no one fares better at a cocktail party or wedding reception.

Scorpio gets well deserved accolades for being vengeful but Libra is just as maniacal albeit more subtle about serving just desserts and punishment to partners that have failed them. Driven by a deep desire to be liked and held in high regard, Libra husbands often give the best of themselves to peripheral people, saving their indecisive, passive aggressive sludge for their nearest and dearest.

PSA; If you ever make the egregious mistake of betraying a Scorpio spouse you might wake up without your kidneys in a motel bathroom, your savings account emptied and your childhood memory box reduced to a neat pile of ashes in the sink.

However, If you play the part of devoted, you’ll have a partner that will destroy your enemies, support your schemes, assist you in covering up your crimes and one that will never fail to make you feel less alone in this godforsaken world. Look alive to stay alive baby.

A good timing, glad ragging Sagittarius husband is akin to Pipi Longstocking’s pirate dad, fun to have around when they manage to stick around. Likable, optimistic and prone to extended road trips from which they may never return, these dudes are liable to gamble your home on a racing pony or spend your savings on psilocybin therapy.

Blunt and given to excess, they balk at reason, cringe at criticism, revolt against constraint and would rather take it on the run than on the chin.

Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars

Capricorn is a sign defined by their ability to endure, invest and provide. These people aren’t succeptible to whim or flights of fancy. Neigh, they’re dedicated to a common cause of coupledom, the ROI of relationships and partners that want to help them conquer.

See LeBron James who credits wife Savannah, whom he’s known since he was a teenager, for shaping him into the man and athlete he is today. Caps don’t commit unless they’re sure, so if you’re married to one, they’re in it to win it, baby.

As cardinal earth, sea goats are bent on securing assets and striving towards success, quietly expanding their scope of influence, financial portfolios and collection of luxury time pieces.

This husband run down for a water bearer is dicey to discuss as an Aquarius will only and ever conceive of themselves as an individual entity, pledged faithfully to their own madness/genius. They don’t identify as or with a partner because they cannot understand a dynamic in which they would be in any way responsible for the well being of another person. Uncompromising lone wolf types, water bearers are resistant to rules, standards or expectations. All asks feel like oppression to them and dying alone sounds preferable to living with others.

Pisces husbands are characterized by the lost, misty look in their eyes that suggests the echoing pain of past lives, the specter of paintings they never made and the rescue pets they couldn’t commit to adopting. Big on fantasy, altered states and unrealistic romantic ideals, fish folk and Pisces husbands are hard pressed to want to live in a world that doesn’t cater to their whimsical f–kery.

At their best they make the lives of their wives and husbands feel like a sunshine day dream and at their worst they go looking for kicks and kink beyond the picket fence like alleged philanderer and absolute Pisces Adam Levine.

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Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.