QUESTION: I’ve been with my partner for a few months and he’s expressed that he really likes giving women oral sex.
I have never been with anyone who’s into it and I’m finding his insistence that he wants to do it and will enjoy it quite unbelievable.
Is there such a thing as men finding giving women oral sex a turn-on?
And do I have to return the favor?
ANSWER: This certainly is something that can be enjoyable and a turn-on — for both the giver and the receiver.
Oral sex is actually one of the “Golden Trio” of sexual moves that research shows can increase a woman’s chance of reaching orgasm during sex.
Also included in the Golden Trio are deep, passionate kissing and mutually touching each other’s genitalia with your hands.
Despite how enjoyable it can be, it isn’t for everyone.
Sex is vulnerable. Oral sex can feel particularly vulnerable and exposing.
It’s common and normal to wonder if your partner is enjoying themselves and to feel self-conscious or worried about how you smell, taste or look “down there.”
Here’s how you can feel more comfortable receiving oral sex:
If the idea of oral sex is new to you or you haven’t heard it spoken about in a positive way before, it’s understandable that you wonder if and how your partner could enjoy it.
Trust me – and trust them when they say they do.
While it’s not necessary to shower immediately before receiving oral sex, if you are worried about how you smell or taste, it can help you feel more at ease.
Showering with your partner is also a great way to build anticipation and intimacy.
Avoid getting soap inside your vagina. It isn’t necessary and can be harmful.
Warm water is enough, but you can use a gentle or specialized soap on the external vulva if you like.
Honestly, some partners will like how you smell and won’t want you to shower immediately beforehand.
If you’re really worried about how you smell or taste, you could consider using a natural flavored lubricant.
Learning to communicate openly, honestly and comfortably about sex is one of the most important steps you can take for enjoying yourself sexually.
Being able to tell your partner what you like and don’t like can help you feel safer and more comfortable.
It can also ensure that you get exactly what feels good for you during sex.
When we’re feeling anxious or worried, our breathing becomes faster and shallow. We can also find ourselves overthinking as a result.
Taking deep breaths will help you relax and be able to experience more pleasure.
Some women reach orgasm through oral sex, but some don’t. Don’t put pressure on yourself to reach orgasm. Do your best to just relax and enjoy yourself.
If orgasm happens, consider it a bonus.
Great sex is a skill that we learn. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t enjoy yourself the first time. It might be that you and your partner need some education and practice to find what really feels good.
Good sex requires safety, comfort and consent.
If you don’t feel comfortable doing something, you don’t need to. Your partner giving you oral sex shouldn’t come with the expectation that you have to return the favour.
That being said, giving oral sex to a partner can also be a turn-on.
If you do decide that’s something you want to try, consider some of the following tips:
• Ask your partner to shower beforehand
• Make sure you feel safe and that your partner will respect your decision if you change your mind
• Ask your partner to give you some direction about what feels good for them
• Go slowly and gently at first
• Read up on what can feel good so you have some ideas of what to do
Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email relationship.rehab@news.com.au