The Couple Next Door Episode 5’s title, “The Ultimatum,” refers Pete’s (Alfred Enoch) absolutely insane response to learning about Evie’s (Eleanor Tomlinson) pregnancy. If Evie has been the delusional one for the past few weeks — massacring koi fish and feverishly pining over Danny (Sam Heughan) — then Pete really, truly starts to match her freak this week, illustrating through a number of scenes why these two crazy kids got together in the first place. Indeed, the penultimate episode of Starz‘s The Couple Next Door continues to show us most everyone behaving in bonkers ways, while sweet Becka (Jessica De Gouw) somehow holds it together as the one sane person alive.

**Spoilers for The Couple Next Door Episode 5 “The Ultimatum,” now streaming on Starz**

The Couple Next Door Episode 5 “The Ultimatum” opens with Danny having a sex dream where his own subconscious is torn between his loyalty to wife Becka and his desire for Evie. Later in the episode, he succumbs to his baser instincts, letting Evie seduce him in the police station where he works! “This is a bad idea,” he growls while pawing at her breasts. After an incredibly fast hookup, Evie reveals that she is pregnant with Danny’s kid and he’s horrified. By episode end, he has somehow opted to betray the criminal organization he’s been moonlighting for, giving Pete the scoop of the century (or just the month).

Elsewhere, Becka learns that the creepy neighbor Alan (Hugh Dennis) was behind the revenge porn. She rather calmly confronts him and discovers his entire pervert office. When Alan’s wife Jean (Kate Robbins) tearfully tries to make amends, Becka rightfully calls her out on covering up the depth of her husband’s gross behavior.

At some point, Pete kisses his younger coworker Sophie (Ioanna Kimbrook) before regretting it. Later in the episode, we learn that Evie has left Pete to live with her family, you know the people who run a religious cult out of their house. Danny’s partner Gary (Joel Morris) attempts to rough up Pete, but Danny stops him, only for Pete to rat Danny out. These characters are truly incredible to me, insomuch that I can’t believe them.

Here are a few other questions, comments, and queries I had while watching The Couple Next Door this week…

1. Becka is a very fit lady. We know this because she teaches yoga, wears a lot of athletic wear, and jogs through her neighborhood. One of these jogs is paused when Danny gets back to her with a break in her revenge porn case. The local police have tracked the criminal’s IP address to…the very house Becka happens to be standing in front of.

   That was just very convenient. That’s all I’m saying. It made me chuckle. Convenient coincidences are the universe’s way of making me crack up.

2. This might seem strange to fixate upon, but ever since the first episode of this show posited that women wear cocktail dresses and pantyhose to casual backyard barbecues, I’ve been fixated on the everyday behavioral choices of these characters. When Evie arrives at a fancy restaurant to dine with hubby Pete, she enters in an exquisite sea green dress. It’s cut and tailored in such a way that it’s impossible she’s got pockets.

   So where is her purse?

   How did she arrive at this location? Via car? Well, where is she carrying her keys? Could she have walked? Okay, but again, where are her keys? Is her house just not locked up? Where’s her phone? How is she a person existing in the world?!?!? WHERE IS HER PURSE?!?! Did wardrobe run out of money to get her a clutch?!?

3. While watching the sequence in which Pete takes his wife out on a romantic date in a very nice restaurant only to emotionally flay her alive in public, I found myself writing in my notes, “Are you unwell?” Because this is the behavior of a sick person. A person so twisted that they could overlook their wife poisoning a pond full of fish because, hey, that’s just to be expected in suburbia.

   Pete has every right to be angry at Evie at her deception. (Heck, Danny has even bigger right because she lied about being on birth control.) However, when he gives her the unhinged ultimatum to either abort the baby she has so desperately wanted or accept divorce, Pete crosses a line. I’m all about a woman’s right to choose, folks. That means while I don’t believe this crazy lady should be trusted with an infant, I believe she has the right to decide what to do with her pregnancy.

   Moreover, if you are ever in a marriage and your spouse tells you to have an abortion or accept divorce, you should just file those divorce papers yourself. Anyone giving an ultimatum like that is not worth staying married to. I have spoken!

4. There’s a lot going on in the sex scene between Evie and Danny, but what I want to know is whose desk did they wind up sleeping on? Because it wasn’t Danny’s!

   Sure, they start the foreplay in his office chair, but then Danny lifts Evie and takes her very, very, very quickly atop someone else’s desk.

   I get fussy if anything about my work desk has been messed with during my absence from the office. Could you imagine being a normal cop in Leeds and you come in the next day with your cup of tea and there’s the smell of extramarital sex all over your work station? I would be a little like, “Could you at least have wiped it down?” But maybe this is why I don’t work in a police station in Leeds.