The Old Guard 2 (now on Netflix) is a sequel to a movie I remember enjoying, but five years hence, I’m hard-pressed to remember exactly why. The Old Guard, directed by Gina Prince-Bythewood, was a hit, arriving at the height of the pandemic with Charlize Theron kicking buttinskies in a kind of superhero-adjacent movie that seemed fresh for the action/comic book genre. I recall it being pretty violent, and boasting a collection of immortal heroes who feel the weight of their many, many years on this planet, as well as a subplot about a centuries-long gay romance. Maybe we’d be more enthused for director Victoria Mahoney’s sequel if Netflix didn’t take a shade or two shy of forever to finish and release it, and if it didn’t need us to recall everything that happened in the first movie in order to appreciate it – or end on a cliffhanger that feels like it might never be resolved. Right, ugh.
The Gist: Remember Qyunh (Van Veronica Ngo)? The immortal who was besties (or something else?) with Andy (Theron) and locked in an iron maiden and dropped into the sea where she drowned and came back to life over and over and over again for as long as it takes to play Iron Maiden’s ‘Rime of the Ancient Mariner’ 18.5 million times (or 500 years for you non-metalheads)? Maybe you do, and if so, hooray. If not, well, here’s a helpful reminder of who this character is, being hauled up from the bottom of the ocean. Finally. I’m glad I don’t have her therapy bills. Andy spent a long time trying to find Quynh, but Discord (Uma Thurman) succeeded. And being an evil villain type, and as we’ll soon learn, the oldest immortal in existence, Discord has plans for Quynh.
CUT TO: Croatia. Six months have passed since the events of the first movie. Andy and her crew of mostly undying types assemble for an action sequence that’s pretty good but has almost no bearing on the plot whatsoever. But hey, at least the movie didn’t bother us with motives or reasons for all the violence, and just gave us some cool stabbings and fisticuffs! Key takeaway from this bit: Our protagonists are happy, doing their jobs as the world’s secret saviors and bantering like the old, old, old, old, old, old, old, old pals they are. Inventory: Andy is no longer mortal, for mysterious reasons. Former enemy, now friend Copley (Chiwetel Ejiofor) is also mortal, because he’s a regular person who joined the squad. Relative newb Nile (Kiki Layne), and longtime lovers Nicky (Luca Marinelli) and Joe (Marwan Kenzari) are there too. Booker (Matthias Schoenaerts) is not, since he betrayed the group and was exiled, but he’ll be back and forgiven in no time at all, and my theory is, it’s due to contractual obligations.
It helps that Booker has some intel on the Discord/Quynh situation. And with that comes lots of sad feelings about What Happened Between Andy And Quynh, thus prompting about an hour of brooding amongst the Old Guard, a chunk of time that doesn’t feature near enough fighting. There are trips to Paris, Seoul and Italy for various foggy reasons, and my theory is, it’s due to the movie wanting to look like it spent lots of Netflix’s money. Andy finds an immortal librarian, Tuah (Henry Golding), who commits to helping the Guard stop whatever it is Discord is doing/wants to do. He also might have some info about why Andy must suffer with the thought that the next time she dies, it’ll be the last time she dies, which, like, join the club! Meanwhile, Quynh is angry and spoiling for a fight. She’s spoiling so hard, she doesn’t just want to hurt Andy, but the whole entire world, which works in Discord’s favor. All the principals ultimately end up in Jakarta, duking it out in a nuclear facility, and I yearned mightily for an electron-smashing meltdown before I melted down due to extreme boredom.
What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: Kick-Ass 2 was a comic-book-based movie sequel that belongs in the Movies That Time Forgot category alongside The Old Guard 2.
Performance Worth Watching: Theron finds a little more than not enough to do here, through sheer force of will. Honestly, I was more impressed with the mullet Andy’s rocking than any of her psychological turmoil.
Memorable Dialogue: An all-too-rare moment where Andy actually acts like she’s mortal now: “You know the worst part about being mortal? The f—ing hangovers. They’re brutal!”
Sex and Skin: Nah.
Our Take: There’s a bit of pep at the beginning of The Old Guard 2, and again at the end – as our heroes rush into action to be seen in Old Guard 3, if at all, sad trombone – and in between we get a bunch of stuff that might as well be dead air: Scads of moping characters, pointless location-hopping and several melatonin gummies worth of plot-setting-upping and tedious worldbuilding. It’s as if the Old Guard can’t exist if they’re not actively not having fun. And as you know, a movie can’t be a Serious Film if it lacks characters who are actively not having fun.
And to paraphrase the wacko with the painted face, why so serious? The characters tend to mill about, giving the cast little to do. Curiously, Andy’s newfound mortality doesn’t seem to change who she is and how she functions, especially in battle. The implications of her relationship with Quynh are vague and vaguer, hinting at, but never confirming, past kissyface love hinging on – bleh – Andy’s sentimental attachment to a necklace; we also get a couple of unintentionally funny, hyperventilating flashbacks to the Salem Witch Trials, which rendered them asunder oh so tragically. Meanwhile, Nicky and Joe have a go-nowhere lover’s tiff, Thurman’s character remains an unhatched egg and Ngo scowls a lot. The first hour of the film features about 1.3 action sequences, which is unforgivable, and the inevitable big final-act THERON V THURMAN kerfuffle is an awkwardly staged dud, void of tension and thrills.
The first film was generally more cinematic and well-balanced, and, well, less stereotypically Netflix. The sequel better conforms to the streamer’s tendency to underwhelm us with partially realized “content” that’s all but designed to be quickly consumed and forgotten. The dialogue is cloddish, and the conflict has such muddy stakes, it’s pitching a tent in a rainstorm. I think Discord wants to kill all the immortals and Qunyh wants to kill all the mortals, but the why and how were either never made clear, or revealed in the frequent parts of the movie when my mind lost interest and wandered to the grocery list, or the fact that Mahoney chose to adopt the Marvel visual palette, namely, bright and flat and lacking depth, like the movie version of the 4K panel hanging on your wall. Which further fuels the assertion that Netflix increasingly specializes in making chintzy TV movies more than, you know, actual movies.
Our Call: The Old Guard 2 does little to help us remember what made its predecessor relatively special. SKIP IT.
John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan.