So, Snow White (now streaming on VOD platforms like Amazon Prime Video). Oof. This, the latest among Disney’s increasingly wearisome live-action remakes of past animated hits, is a movie that sure seemed doomed from its inception, and got increasingly more doomed right up to its DOA opening weekend in theaters. Disney tried to please everyone, it seems, but ended up pleasing pretty much no one – shall we talk about the attempt to alter the original story so it’s less regressive while still retaining its classic-fairy-tale charms? How it became a political hot potato due to its diverse casting and its stars’ disagreement on the Israel-Palestine conflict? (Note to any movie that may be listening: Getting caught up in the Israel-Palestine discourse is probably a bad idea on a number of fronts.) How it was review-bombed to skew public perception of its popularity? How it had a production budget of around $250 million and won’t make it out of the red during its theatrical run? How its underperformance prompted Disney to at least temporarily stick a fork in its production of a Tangled live-action remake? So the question is, can we set all this junk aside and determine if this damn thing is worth watching? I’m not sure we can, but we can give it the ol’ college try, I guess.
The Gist: Once upon a time in an unnamed kingdom, a king and queen brought into the world a daughter, who they named Snow White, because she was born in the midst of a blizzard. This is an alteration from the original story, where the baby was named after her pallid skin tone, and traditionalists (you may call them Snow Flakes if you wish) will claim this is the movie rubbing sandpaper across their faces when they’re actually rubbing it across their own faces, and I’ll try to cease this type of commentary from here, but I can’t make any promises. Anyway, Snow – can I just call her Snow? – grew up to be a kind and fair young princess played by Rachel Zegler, outspoken defender of Palestine. Snow sings, and bluebirds and squirrels flit and scamper around her; she ventures forth into the kingdom of color and song to pick apples with the commonfolk and everyone loves her and she loves everyone.
One awful day, Snow’s mother the benevolent queen dies. Her father the benevolent king soon remarries poorly, specifically to the Evil Queen (Gal Gadot, former service member of the Israel Defense Force), which, like, if that’s her name, maybe you at the very least need a strongly worded prenup? Anyway, logic dictates that the Evil Queen be an evil stepmother as well, and sure enough, as soon as the foggy plot sends the king away forever, this pointy-crowned and -taloned woman locks Snow away to do toilsome manual labor – is this a loose metaphor for Donald Trump’s relationship with Hunter Biden? God, I hope not! – and turns the kingdom into a medieval police state. The Evil Queen frequently consults her Magic Mirror (voiced by Patrick Page), who bends the knee – metaphorically, as mirrors lack the anatomy – by telling her she’s the “fairest” in the land, in reference to her beauty, not her treatment of her subjects.
But when Snow helps a thief with hella-good hair named Jonathan (Andrew Burnap) escape incarceration, perhaps via The Bail Project, the Mirror apparently uses objective scientific criteria to declare Snow the “fairest.” The Evil Queen cannot abide this, so she orders the Huntsman (Ansu Kabia) to take the girl out to the forest and transform her into a corpse. Dude can’t go through with it though, and Snow runs off and finds a cottage where she takes a nap and awakens to find seven don’t-call-them-dwarfs-call-them-“magical-beings” staring at her. Good thing they’re not randy incels, right, so they become her friends and she teaches them how to tidy up the place. Perhaps it’s worth noting that the “magical beings” are rendered with disturbingly uncanny-valley CGI, and make garden gnomes look like Precious Moments figurines. Is it also worth noting that they work in a diamond mine, where no apparent exploitative labor practices seem to be occurring? Probably not!
Eventually, Snow White encounters Jonathan and his merry folk (not just men!) in the woods as they gear up for an insurgency against the Evil Queen. Jonathan mansplains the political situation to Snow via a song that wasn’t in the original 1937 movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, titled “Princess Problems.” It’s a pretty catchy tune, so she’s duly enlightened and worldly now, but still not wise enough to not take a bite of a tainted apple given to her by the Evil Queen disguised as an old crag-nosed crone who looks like the world’s least trustworthy witch. And as Snow falls into a coma, we fret that the kingdom will never see peace and freedom. Unless a bro with hella-good hair comes along and kisses Snow awake, that is – which is no guarantee, especially in this economy.
What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: I’ll take a break from being a hater and use this space to remind you that not all of Disney’s live-action remakes are crummy – The Jungle Book, Cinderella and Peter Pan and Wendy are all better than they should be.
Performance Worth Watching: Credit Zegler for transcending the blandness of her character at least a little bit, playing Ms. Snow with winning earnestness and singing her butt off.
Memorable Dialogue: Happy the “magical being” stumps for his fellow “magical being” Dopey: “Just because he’s called Dopey doesn’t mean he’s actually a dope!”
Sex and Skin: None.
Our Take: Inside our outside a vacuum, Snow White is a mediocrity that occasionally succumbs to Disney’s reactionary overthinking about the sociopolitical impact of its content. My theory is, there was a point when the studio might’ve considered pulling the plug on the project, but had passed the financial point of no return, so it dutifully slogged through the chaos-swamp of public opinion, threw good money after bad and finally released the damn thing so Mickey Mouse could accept his fate and pray for happier times with the Lilo and Stitch remake. This might not happen if anyone at Disney could set aside its financial goals and show a little bit of creative artistic vision, but let’s be real here – one doesn’t adopt a dog and expect it to meow for its food.
And so the film falls into the nether-void of most of its remake siblings: Disposable fodder that exists only to further the Disney brand and uphold the studio’s investment in intellectual property. Sometimes this M.O. isn’t so blatantly transparent (again, I’ll stump for Jon Favreau’s version of The Jungle Book any day), but Snow White seemed destined to be nothing more than Just Fine. It’s directed by Marc Webb, who’s work… doesn’t warrant me finishing this sentence. The movie might as well be helmed by Alan Smithee or Anonymous. Nothing here demands the use of superlatives in either direction. At best, it’s bland, and at worst, it’s, well, bland.
I didn’t mind the attempt at giving Snow a little bit of feminist agency, and Zegler – who stands out next to the tepid Burnap and Gadot’s unconvincing stabs at fierce intensity – shows a level of commitment to the performance that exudes professionalism. Does she inspire passion, though? No, not that it’s her fault – this whole mess is bigger than her, and any attempt to shrink it down would be to carry a teaspoon into the Atlantic to empty it. If Snow White truly was an exceptional reiteration of an old story, all the cultural effluvia surrounding it would fall away. But here we are, talking about wokeness and war. Which is too bad, because we all could use a break from that.
Our Call: No White. SKIP IT.
John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan.