Is Carved (now streaming on Hulu) the first attack-of-the-deranged-mutant-killer-monster-pumpkin-goon movie ever? Might be, sort of, since it originates from a previous 2018 “Huluween” short by Justin Harding, who took a simple premise and bloated it to feature-length. Whether he can justify stretching five minutes to 94 minutes is the question, especially when there’s a degree of gimmickry involved. But at least it’s intended to be funny (read: more fun than the ugly grim horror shit), and kitschy (read: it’s set in the ’90s and therefore nostalgic), and hey, Chris Elliott doesn’t just sign up for any ol’ movie these days, remember. That’s the arbiter of a quality production, right? Right.
The Gist: I think Carved tells us specifically what town it’s set in, but it might as well be Only Weirdos, New Hampshire, as any town should be named when one of its residents is an ol’ tabaccy-chaw hayseed coot played by Chris Elliott. The rest of the folk can’t live up to that level of goofballism, but they’re goofs nevertheless. It’s 1993, and the time of year when this rustic community assembles for its annual Halloweenish costume party-slash-harvest festival, which boasts a pumpkin-carving contest as its main draw. Kira (Peyton Elizabeth Lee) might debate that point, being the writer and director of the fest’s stage musical. She put her heart and soul into the play, and has big dreams of going to Broadway someday, a character/plot point that you’ll surely be heavily invested in, because the reason we’re watching a killer-monster-pumpkin-kills-everybody movie is to root for the Teen With A Dream and not to see the killer monster pumpkin kill everybody, of course. It’s just logic.
Kira’s the least dopey of this cast of characters, and gives off serious Final Girl vibes, although her little brother Trevor (Wyatt Lindner) is also sympathetic, because they’re orphans taking care of each other. Less likely to survive the pending killer-monster-pumpkin ordeal are the following: Kira’s boyfriend Cody (Corey Fogelmanis), and his fellow players in Kira’s play, hambones Maddie (Sasha Mason) and Shane (Jonah Lees). Barb (Carla Jimenez) is Kira’s local friend, and if she has a purpose beyond that, I missed it. Arthur (Ted Ferguson) is the local PTSD-stricken war vet. Wes (Jackson Kelly) is a local stoner and his fellow local weedmaven is Clint (Matty Cardarople), who drives the Corn Wagon owned by local corn farmer and bona-fide cornpone Earl (Elliott). Bill (DJ Qualls) is the local mayor and Kevin (Marc-Sully Saint-Fleur) is his local best pal and possible local lover. The local news reporter is AJ (Elvis Nolasco, who we just saw in the similarly loony Mr. Crocket), and much to the local mayor’s chagrin, AJ has no intention of ack-scent-chuating the positive, instead focusing his local story on the local tragic toxic-waste spill that haunts a local community that’s trying so very hard to get past it.
Oh, right. The local toxic-waste spill. That’s the seed of this plot, he said, refusing to apologize for any puns ever. Clint stumbles across one hell of a mutant pumpkin out in the patch, so he plucks the massive, discolored beast and hauls it to the festival with the intent to carve it for the contest. The contestants assemble and before you can say boo the pumpkin sprouts massive vine-tentacles and starts decapitating folks and throwing carving knives into eye sockets and other such fun amusing things. It spiders around the fairgrounds on its vines, apparently seeking revenge on the local sickos who carved up its pals for seasonal decor. Who amongst the local locals will survive this ordeal? NO SPOILERS, but the local main characters seem to have Vegas odds on their side.
What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: For anyone YEARNING and YEARNING for a movie that crossbreeds Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and Pumpkinhead (or maybe Trick ’r Treat) – with some requisite Sam Raimi Evil Dead camera angles, naturally – your prayers have been answered.
Performance Worth Watching: Lee gives an earnest enough performance that we actually don’t want to see her be slaughtered by the out-of-its-gourd pumpkin-beast. That absolutely constitutes a win in a movie like this.
Memorable Dialogue: Stoner No. 1 asks Stoner No. 2 about the hellish pumpkin he plucked from the patch:
Wes: What’s wrong with your pumpkin, does it have herpes or some shit?
Clint, deadpanning: It’s farm-fresh.
Sex and Skin: None.
Our Take: Sorry if Carved doesn’t demand the depth of analysis of Shakespeare or Ozu, so any attempt to scoop out the guts of its subtext and sift through the stringy goo for insights into the human condition just wouldn’t be… fruitful. This is a straightforward slasher with some fun visuals (combining CG and practical effects), a genial and fatally unserious tone, silly characters and a fistful of nasty, comically gory kills. Harding and co-writer Cheryl Meyer sprinkle stoner-comedy bits into the creature-feature formula, aiming to create a movie for audiences to watch while consuming booze and/or light psychedelics. It is dumb. Dumb as hell. And for etter or worse, it knows it.
But is it fun? Yeah, I guess, in fits and starts. Innovation isn’t its strong suit. Neither is storytelling, to be honest, because there isn’t enough there in Kira and her pals to fill a full-length movie. They’re cardboard cutouts propped up to be squashed – metaphorically of course, since the monster’s preferred method of this-mortal-coil dispatchery is dismemberment. Everyone squabbles about the best way to survive this night from hell, an idea or two is hatched, some people die, some of them don’t, there’s a few ’90s references, we laugh a few times and smile a few more, and we’re done.
The bad: The original short’s five-minute runtime has been stretched to 94, and with the way this low-budget endeavor lingers too long during a few tedious set pieces, it sure feels like it. The good: At least it has an enjoyable final 15, and an amusing payoff. Did I feel like I wasted my time? Nah. I was even sober. That’s about the extent of the praise I can muster, though.
Our Call: Carved could use a little something to spice it up, but as it stands, it’s a tasty-enough slice of horror-comedy pie. STREAM IT.
John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan.