Christmas movies on any channel are famously chaste. There’s always some sort of climactic kiss, maybe you get a little naughty innuendo, but the reason for these movies is to celebrate the birth of Jesus, not new babies, if you get our drift. And then there’s A Cowboy Christmas Romance on Lifetime, which made waves after news came out that there would be a sex scene in the movie. So is this a non-stop raunch-fest? Will Lifetime make Santa blush? Does A Cowboy Christmas Romance turn Gaspar Noé into Gaspar Noel?? You probably know the answer here, but let’s get into it anyway.
Opening Shot: A country version of “Sleigh Ride” announces the movie’s intentions over a montage of Christmas stuff and cowboy hats. Then we cut to Lexie Crenshaw (Jana Cramer) waking up in the city where everything is grey and bad because cities are grey and bad.
The Gist: Lexie is one of the best real estate brokers in the business. She’s so good that they call her The Closer, not to be confused with the Kyra Sedgwick character because they’re two totally different things. But she has a past. A dark, disturbing past where she… Wait for it… Lived on a ranch.
Very quickly, the movie establishes that she needs to buy a ranch in her hometown for a mysterious buyer before Christmas to make the company a ton of money and get a sweet bonus herself. She hasn’t been home in years because (as we discover later) her father Harrison Crenshaw (Bruce Thomas) shut her out of the family after her mother died, seemingly because she was a lady. Not the mother, Lexie. Actually, the mother was a lady, too. They are both ladies. Never mind, this didn’t need clarifying.
Lexie, understandably, refuses the commission, never goes back home, and that’s the end of the movie.
Psych! Not only does she go back, the first night there she bumps into a hunky stranger who she dances with and makes out with, and even though there’s a clear attraction they never exchange names because he knows she’s only going to be in town for the day and he has a daughter to raise and can’t get emotionally involved. They never see each other again, and we never find out who he is.
Psych! He’s Coby Mason (Adam Senn), the guy who owns the ranch she’s supposed to buy. And he hates her more successful family, who runs a ranch of their own (and a hotel that doesn’t seem to have any guests despite being very successful?) right next door.
Despite all this, Lexie continues to flirt and feed horses with him, bond with his daughter Abby (Reagan Marum), all while tentatively reconnecting with her father and two brothers, Jack (Max Ehrich) and Walton (Sterling Jones).
Will she be able to buy the ranch? Does her father have a motive for shutting her out she might not expect? Do Lexie and Coby end up banging like they’re in Y tu mamá también but with only two people instead of three? No to the last one. But the rest? You’ll have to watch and find out.
What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: Sweet Home Alabama is the most obvious one, along with not-a-movie Yellowstone for all the mechanics of running ranches and warring ranches and whatnot. And of course, Last Tango in Paris for the graphic full-frontal nude sex scene. Just kidding, it’s not graphic at all. Someone does use butter at one point during the movie, though, but not for sexual purposes. Just kidding, there’s no butter, either, other than the butter they probably used to bake some cupcakes. Sexual cupcakes. Again, kidding.
Performance Worth Watching: All apologies to the humans, but every time there was a horse in the frame the non-equine performers faded out of sight. Maybe now that they’ve successfully (?) conquered “sexy Christmas movie” it’s time for Lifetime to branch out into “non-human Christmas movie.” Spirit of Christmas: Stallion of the Cimarron, perhaps?
Memorable Dialogue: “I prefer a roll in the hay that doesn’t involve actual hay.” It may not be Shakespeare, but… Well, it’s not Shakespeare.
A Holiday Tradition: Abby makes a Christmas lasagna for Christmas Eve Eve Eve. They all wear elf hats and play “Silent Night.” At the end of the night Abby rings a bell and they “retire to the living room for desserts and decorations.” Is this a yearly tradition, or just a weird thing they did one year? Who is to say? Not I!
Does the Title Make Any Sense?: Coby is a guy who herds cows and is a cowboy and is having a romance with Lexie over the days leading up to, and including Christmas. You probably could have called it A Cowgirl Christmas Romance because Lexie is the main character, but also she keeps pretending she’s put all this behind her even though in pretty much the first scene after she gets back into town she’s riding horses again like an expert. How about A Cowgirl Who Is Pretending She’s Not A Cowgirl But Let’s Be Honest She Is Christmas Romance. Eh, whatever, the actual title is fine.
Our Take: Okay, before we get to all the Film Criticism™️ you probably want to know about the sex scene. Here’s the thing: if I had not known this was The Movie With The Sex Scene©️ going in I… Would barely have clocked it at all?
After a lovely night hanging out with Coby’s family (see “A Holiday Tradition” above), our titular Cowboy touches Lexie’s hand in a way that indicates to the audience “I am more comfortable touching horses” but to Lexie means “time to Ho Ho Ho until I Kris my Kringle.” They kiss. She asks if he’s sure this time. “You’re here. I want this,” he says and in a moment that made me recoil in horror almost sweeps like fifteen candles off a table.
When Coby’s mom yells “goodnight” from the ADR booth, they both giggle and head to the barn. There, he lays her down on the hay and whips off his shirt. He picks her up… And then they cut to the next morning where they’re both lying on a cot barely touching each other, and as far as I could tell all of her clothes are on. If this is what a sex scene in a movie is, we really need to have a discussion regarding what the internet is arguing about on and off every few weeks.
Anyway, that aside, this movie is totally fine! “Perfunctory” is the word that kept going through my head, because so many of the details seem to exist just… Because? It’s Christmas just because it’s Christmas, and barely plays into the plot to an extent that at times this felt like a regular Lifetime romance movie that got repurposed into a Christmas movie. Lexie clearly has some sort of PTSD involving horses, riding, and the whole ranch thing, yet also seems perfectly fine riding horses, feeding horses, and even teaching Abby how to ride. And the whole “she’s a big city girl coming home” thing doesn’t play into it at all? I demand a scene where her high heels get stuck in the mud while she’s walking home! Give me my money back!
That all said? Cramer, who is a veteran of these sorts of movies/shows, knows how to command a scene. She and Senn have some solid chemistry except when he’s told to touch her hand or back, and then it seems like the first time he’s ever touched another human being. And Thomas brings the right kind of gravity to a role that seems to be nodding (inexplicably) to King Lear at points, what with the three children vying for his love and a climactic storm.
There are also some nice shots that I assume are probably stock footage, but they look good. And a scene set at night during the foley artist’s storm is appropriately tense, and filmed with flickering flashlights in the dark.
Anyway. It’s fine. You could write this plot in your sleep, which is what I assume they actually did in that barn instead of having sex. Harder to sell a film as “this has Lifetime’s first ever Christmas movie sleep scene,” though.
Our Call: STREAM IT, but only if you’re a fan of Cramer from One Tree Hill, like horses, and don’t know what sex is.