Real-life ‘Hitch’ dating coach reveals how lonely men can get out of the ‘friend zone’ and find love
This real-life “Hitch” love doctor is prescribing a regimen for dating during the alone-avirus epidemic.
The COVID-19 pandemic may be, for the most part, in the rearview mirror; however, men in the U.S. remain racked by severe loneliness compounded by the coronavirus.
Thankfully, New York City dating coach Connell Barrett claims to have devised a foolproof way for heartsick males to find love in a hopeless place by — wait for it — ditching dating apps and exposing oneself to uncomfortable real-world situations where men have to be their authentic selves.
“I think it’s just plain wrong for good, solid guys to be lonely to not have someone to share their lives with,” Barrett, who founded the soulmate-finding service “Dating Transformation,” told The Post. “My mission is to help men defeat loneliness and self-doubt and find a great relationship, all by dating as a ‘radically authentic’ man.”
He may have his work cut out for him.
A 2023 Pew Poll showed that nearly 50% of all young adults are single — with the gender discrepancy comprising 34% of women versus a whopping 63% of men.
The number of sexually active Americans also sits at a 30-year low — and 30% of young men specifically reported they went sexless in pandemic-addled 2020.
The alone-avirus runs particularly rampant in the Big Apple, where “more than half” of New Yorkers reported feeling lonely “some of the time” in 2022.
But after confronting his own dating obstacles, 52-year-old Barrett is now offering isolation-shattering tactics to lonely, lovelorn gents — while stopping just short of sharing, say, proper dancing techniques or the ideal distance to lean in for a kiss, à la Will Smith’s 2005 rom-com “Hitch.”
What’s the reason for the rampant single-dom among men?
“Guys tend to see ‘opening up’ or seeking help as a sign of weakness. Men are more apt to suffer in silence, especially introverts,” Barrett explained to The Post.
“Single men tend to fall into one of two camps: They either turn inward and socially withdraw, suffering in silence and blaming themselves. Other men become angry and lash outward at women and society, turning into misogynists and incels,” continued the romance coach, who authored the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks But You Don’t.”
This isn’t some man-hating diatribe, either; Barrett revealed that, at one point, he was a consummate singleton himself who had zero confidence and “didn’t know how to flirt,” let alone date.
“I didn’t just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there,” lamented Barrett, who claimed he married the first woman who wanted to be with him. Unfortunately, he said she ended up dumping him nine months later for a “cool guy with a mustache and a Harley Davidson.”
Dejected, Barrett decided to “learn the art of male-female connection” so that he “never had to feel lonely again.”
His passion pilgrimage involved spending five years training with top dating experts, from “pickup” guys to sports psychologists — the latter reportedly including the shrink of a former New York Yankees A-lister.
“My life totally transformed,” gushed Barrett, who apparently cracked the code on “male-female dynamics” — he said he is currently dating a woman named Jessamin.
Now, like a reformed gang member trying to dissuade youth from a predestined path, he has decided to pass on his wisdom to the perennially lonely.
- Be yourself
- Face your fears
- Get off the dating apps and meet women IRL
- Don’t get wasted on dates
Step one of escaping from solitary? Be yourself.
Barrett said he teaches men to be “radically authentic,'” a k a to be “your true, best self to women, whether you’re a nerd or a single dad or a brainy introvert.”
“Being your true self gives you instant confidence, because you already know how to be you,” the love coach explained. “And it’s very charismatic to women who like your type.”
That can mean swapping suave pick-up lines for “dad and knock-knock jokes,” according to Barrett, a self-proclaimed “feminist” who shuns sleazy, hook-up artist methodology.
Cliché though it may sound, authenticity paid dividends for Barrett, who said that woman loved his “dorky, nice-guy” self as that was the “real, most confident me.”
He shared the story of his client Ken, who was in his late 20s and “felt he was too short, chubby and nerdy to get a girlfriend” — but reportedly followed his advice and landed a life partner.
“He was lonely and had never even kissed a woman,” said Barett. “Using my dating strategies, he ended up attracting his first girlfriend. And I actually witnessed him having his very first kiss of his life, on a rooftop bar in Manhattan.”
Barrett claims being the genuine artifact has worked for every type of guy from engineers to military men.
Hookup apps may seem like fishing with TNT, but they’re actually romantic kryptonite, according to Barrett.
“A single guy might have hundreds of social-media contacts, but he lacks deeper, more fulfilling in-person emotional connection,” said the soulmate sensei. “There’s nothing romantic about matching on Tinder. But when you walk up to a woman and charmingly flirt, and do it as your real self, and make a real connection — that’s romantic!”
Interestingly, a recent study found that couples who met on dating apps are less happily married than those who became acquainted offline. (No word on how that would apply to people whose soulmates are artificial intelligence.)
In order to up a client’s chances of a fulfilling relationship, Barrett encourages soulmate searchers to meet women in “organic” real-world situations, accompanying his clients to bars, coffee shops, parks and other brick-and-mortar meetup spots.
There, they learn to charm women the “old-fashioned” way via various dating games.
Barrett claimed he made one 20-something client named Ken go up to five women in five minutes and “say something vulnerable and true each time.”
“To one of them, his opener was, ‘Hi, I collect “Star Wars” action figures.’ It turned out, she loved ‘Star Wars!'” the author said. “He walked up to a statuesque woman and said, ‘Hi. You’re pretty, but I’m afraid I’m too short for you.’ She laughed and said, ‘I like short guys!'”
Barrett added, “He got two phone numbers, and the three women who ‘rejected’ him didn’t hurt nearly as much as he feared.”
That type of exposure-response dating therapy helps overcome the paralyzing fear of rejection that Barrett says affects all men, no matter how “tough” they are.
“I worked with a firefighter who runs into burning houses, but when he came to me he couldn’t say ‘hello’ to an attractive woman at a bar,” said the professional wingman. “I’m coaching a former U.S. Marine who’s been in deadly firefights, but he was terrified to go for a kiss on the first date.
“He’s now dating a wonderful girl, by the way, and they had a sexy make-out on their first date.”
Barrett said that breaking down those barriers can have unexpected results.
“By exposing my clients to what they fear most, they have huge breakthroughs, and we always do it by being authentic and showing our real selves,” he said.
Barrett also helps singles reduce their alcohol consumption and either drink less or not at all in order to navigate the otherwise liquor-logged dating sphere.
Eight years sober himself, he said he’s “very proud” of his current client, Brian, a mid-30s, Seattle-based Marine who used liquor as a social lubricant.
“He’s newly sober and didn’t know how to flirt or approach women without the help of alcohol,” said Barrett. “He’s now going to bars and having great dates and seeing a woman, and he’s getting ‘drunk’ — not on booze, but on radical authenticity.”
Ultimately, Barrett hopes that his teachings will help increase formerly lonely males’ value in the romantic marketplace.
“I want to help men overcome loneliness and self-doubt, just like I had to,” he said.