In the ’80s Swiss immigrant Susanne Bartsch “fell for somebody at the Chelsea Hotel” — dumped him, fell for NYC — became New York’s nightclub queen, began hosting parties, had a documentary, started RuPaul and Marc Jacobs, and is now a party promoter institution.

“I don’t do drugs and guests don’t need drag — just a look. Like a Balenciaga handbag mixed with a Brooklyn wig and secondhand dress. I wear designer samples. And no matter how late I’m up, I start phone calls by 10 a.m. I have a Rolodex. People come to my parties not to get laid in a back room or get high — maybe just a joint or something — they come to have fun.

“I started doing one-night stands, which then took off. Bartschland. And I look for different venues. Regulars are artists, fashionistas. Same people May to October. My price is $20 to $40. The $20 early birds act as an incentive. It’s birth. And we invite showpeople to perform. We get club kids, wild styles. Celebrities pop in. Amanda Lepore comes. Janet Jackson came the other day.

“I help young people, confused people, those who want to express themselves and yet feel safe. I feel like I’m helping them.”

Right. OK. So if you want assistance, look up Nurse Susanne Bartsch. Me, I’m going to bed at 11.

Speaking of good times, lukewarm Hudson Yards just newly added cool private club ZZ’s.

Three stories. Giant space. Sushi downstairs, Italian on top. 20G’s gets you in. $10 grand a year is dues.

And bring a Brink’s truck. Average red wine is $45 a glass.

America, America sweet land of charity — for politicians, DC means “one for you and two for me.” President of the United States of America — greatest effing land on earth — we got a crackhead son and a blockhead dad.

Fingers in the till? How about whole behinds? Jersey senator with gold bars? LI congressman fund-raiser bought Botox?

Forget Banana Republic. With our leaders could be a whole fruit bowl. They themselves are the ones they want to help. It’s our country ’tis of me.

Actually, we’re facing a crisis. Hundreds of jobs to fill and our commander-in-chief only has a few relatives left.

Bankman-Fried is going away but Biden’s going to his house in Delaware?

The “Gags Gangs” comedy writers have written “The Twelve Days of Election”:

Twelve lawsuits pending,

Eleven counties counting,

Ten pundits primping,

Nine lawyers filing,

Eight deadlines passing,

Seven votes outstanding,

Six judges judging,

Five pregnant chads,

Four spinning pols,

Three recounts,

Two candidates,

Plus a void in the Presidency

And not only in New York, kids, not only in New York.