Since J.D. Vance claims he “has no choice” but to spread misinformation about Haitian immigrants in Ohio because it concerns his constituents, Jimmy Kimmel decided to find out what his own “constituents” on Live are concerned about. Shockingly enough, they all had complaints to share about Senator Vance and his alleged affinity for couches in a hilarious skit Thursday (Sept. 19).
Kimmel prefaced the skit by explaining that the root of the cat-eating conspiracy came from one Ohio woman whose cat went missing.
“Turns out Miss Sassy – which is also my nickname for J.D. Vance – was in her basement,” he said. “To Anna’s credit, she told the truth and she apologized to her Haitian neighbors, saying she regrets the whole thing. But that hasn’t stopped J.D. Vance, who says he has no choice but to amplify these dangerous, racist pet-eating lies because they come from his constituents.”
Kimmel explained that he viewed his audience on Live as his constituents. “I am obligated to hear your stories and bring them to light if you choose to share them with me,” he said. “So, do you any of you have anything to report?”
One audience member raised her hand to share a concern. “Someone that lives across the street from my friend’s cousin, she told me that J.D. Vance snuck into her house and he got his penis stuck in her sofa bed,” she alleged. When Kimmel asked why that would happen, she replied, “I guess he likes to fuck sofa beds?”
After Kimmel thanked her and took note of her concern, another audience member wearing a bright yellow Ikea shirt raised his hand.
“I have a report Id like to make. I work in a big box furniture store in Cincinnati, I prefer not to say which one,” he said, though his shirt clearly stated where. He claimed Senator Vance “came in just before closing” and hid in one of the fake kitchen displays.
“Later that night he crept out and he had his way with a Bälkarp,” the Ikea employee claimed, adding, “It’s a kind of sofa. He had sex with it.”
He claimed Vance “also mounted a Mörabo” and “was even seen fondling a Kïvïk,” both of which are sofas. “He’s one sick son of a b****,” he griped.
“Oh my god, this guy really has the hots for couch-type furniture,” Kimmel commented.
But that’s not all. Even Kimmel’s sidekick Guillermo Rodriguez complained that Senator Vance allegedly had sex with his couch, too.
“Yes he did. It was terrible,” Rodriguez said. “I was sleeping on the couch when he did it.”
The rumor that Vance had sex with a couch stemmed from a social media post that falsely claimed he wrote about doing the deed in his memoir Hillbilly Elegy.
The claim has been debunked and fact-checked by several outlets since then, but the rumor appears to stick to Vance, who has also been dubbed “weird” by Tim Walz and others on the left.
Jimmy Kimmel Live airs on weeknights at 11:35/10:35c on ABC.