Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.
This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a man who’s worried he’s not lasting long enough in bed.
QUESTION: How long is sex supposed to last?
I’m single but I’ve had quite a few sexual partners and as I get older, I’d say the sex sessions are getting shorter.
I always thought this was because I knew that I had improved my technique and knew what I was doing.
However, I recently had a fling and she told me that she’d like sex to be longer – I wasn’t sure if she meant foreplay or just the penetration part.
Now I’m worried I’m not lasting long enough!
ANSWER: I’m assuming that you’re talking about heterosexual sex here, so I’ll speak directly to that.
I understand the pressure many men feel to ‘get it right’ during sex by knowing what to do and lasting the perfect amount of time – it’s challenging.
The short answer to ‘how long is sex supposed to last?’ is: as long as everyone participating wants it to.
Women often prefer increased time in foreplay
I can’t tell you exactly what the woman you were with meant, but I can tell you that many women prefer ‘foreplay’ to penetration sex.
It takes women’s bodies time to fully prepare for penetration sex.
Time spent ‘warming up’ helps reduce the chance of women feeling pain during sex and increases their pleasure.
The recommendation from sexologists is that couples spend at least 20 minutes in foreplay before moving to penetration, but many women tell me that they wish it was longer.
Many women don’t orgasm from penetration sex alone.
They need direct clitoral stimulation, which often happens more during what we consider ‘foreplay’ than during penetration sex.
Of course there are exceptions to this and there are times when some women want to go straight to penetration and have sex end quickly.
‘Foreplay’ doesn’t just benefit women though.
Many men often report feeling greater pleasure when they spend longer in foreplay too.
The average amount of time that penetration lasts
The average duration of penetrative sex for heterosexual couples is five to seven minutes.
Despite what is often depicted in mainstream pornography, spending too long in penetration can be uncomfortable or painful for women.
Again, there can be exceptions to this that are still incredibly pleasurable for both partners.
Make pleasure your goal
We often have fairly rigid assumptions about how sex ‘should’ go and how it should conclude.
We tend to have ideas that sex should start with some ‘foreplay’, go to penetration and then end in orgasm for both partners, preferably at the same time.
But great sex doesn’t have to follow this linear path.
Most couples don’t reach orgasm at the same time.
For some people sex is enjoyable even if they don’t reach orgasm.
Sex can even be enjoyable without penetration.
When we expand our views of what sex is and what our goals should be, we open ourselves to more pleasure possibilities.
The best way to find out what a partner wants is to ask
If you’re not sure what your recent partner meant, ask her.
The best way to ensure that you and your partners enjoy themselves is to communicate about it.
Everyone enjoys slightly different things during sex – and what we want can be different day to day.
You can’t be expected to know what every partner wants.
While there’s often a perception that having to communicate will ‘dampen the mood’, being able to comfortably talk about what you want can enhance pleasure and excitement for everyone involved.
Checking in on a partner’s enjoyment throughout the experience is the best way to ensure everyone enjoys themselves.