Carolyn Wiger may have been up to a healthy amount of mischief in The Traitors Season 3, but she did not expect to leave the show with emotional trauma.

Sitting down with DECIDER to chat about her tearjerker banishment in Episode 9 (“A Silent Assassin”), the Survivor alum shared that in her final moments on the Peacock competition series, she was shocked to have her character examined and taken down so brutally.

“It was hard for me watching that back because it took me to that moment of like, ‘That hurt. That really hurt.’ Just the roundtable, the words that were said, it hurt me as a human,” Carolyn told Decider.

While she did not specifically call out her fellow Traitor, Danielle Reyes, for inflicting the pain, one can reasonably assume it was Danielle’s words that left Carolyn feeling jarred. At her final Roundtable, Carolyn was accused of playing “silly and dumb” by Danielle, who added of the Survivor legend, “You Forrest Gump a lot.” The negative comment immediately caught fans — and Wiger, herself — off guard, with many on social media calling the insult “nasty” and uncalled for.

Ultimately, Danielle’s argument in support of banishing Carolyn worked to recruit Faithfuls — including Dylan Efron and Britney Haynes — to vote against the Survivor player who flew under the radar the entire season. The emotional rollercoaster of a banishment led to Carolyn breaking down and tearfully admitting in the Circle of Truth that she had been playing as a Traitor the entire game.

Hilariously, after leading the charge to send her fellow Turret-dweller packing, Danielle responded to Carolyn’s Circle of Truth moment with theatrics unlike anything the U.S. version of the show has ever seen. In a truly award-winning moment, Danielle fell to the floor and rocked herself back and forth as fellow contestants came over to comfort her. The moment has since been memed and spoofed all across social media and even came as a surprise to Carolyn, who watched it for the first time as the episode hit Peacock.

“I never in a million years would have expected someone from Big Brother to be falling down on the floor like that. So that’s just the truth. I was shocked,” Carolyn admitted.

Last week, Decider also spoke with Season 3 alum Sam Asghari, who similarly weighed in on Danielle’s performance, joking that it was a little over the top for his taste. The actor and former husband to Britney Spears even went so far as to recommend acting classes for the Big Brother gameplayer. “She had some bad acting techniques. She needs to go to a couple of classes that I recommend. There’s one in Burbank that’ll teach you how to cry properly,” he said.

All in all, Carolyn says that she is moving forward and not holding grudges against Danielle or any of the other cast members. That said, she does have favorites and a few people who she will be happy to see when the cast communes for the reunion.

To find out who she is looking forward to seeing, whether or not she would do an all-star season of The Traitors, and more from her experience on the competition series, keep reading for Decider’s full interview.

DECIDER: I was so sad to see you go home but also happy because I selfishly wanted to talk with you about the show. How has it been watching it back, including your banishment?

CAROLYN WIGER: It’s been a journey. When I did Survivor, I can’t think of one thing that wasn’t shown. And then with this, it’s like *groans*, especially with that last episode. It’s hard because of course I want to be like, “But they didn’t see this and that wasn’t why that didn’t work.” And then at the end of the day, she got me out anyway. It doesn’t matter. That’s what I was initially struggling with was seeing the roundtable, seeing the way that some of the stuff was shown. It was hard for me watching that back because it took me to that moment of like, “That hurt. That really hurt.” Like the Roundtable, the words that were said, it hurt me as a human. And then I processed all of this and I think, like, “Well, you know what, Caroline? You play these games as yourself. So that’s what you get.” I’m hard on myself […] At the end of the day, I truly am proud that I can go out and can be myself, and I can sleep at night and look in the mirror. I feel good about my life and about who I am.

All of the other contestants I’ve talked to this season have said you were the most authentic person in the castle, Traitor or not. Given that your reveal as a Traitor was so shocking, was there someone you wished you could have pulled aside to explain?

No, I just wanted to talk to Parvati [Shallow]. And that’s the truth. I was too distraught. I said that I didn’t want to connect with people [going in]. Did I connect with people still? Yes, of course, but really, there were people I had like really deep conversations with off-camera. And then I started to feel gross inside […] And when you’re connecting on that human level, on that deep emotional level, it’s good. It felt dirty and gross to me because then I’m going out there and I’m lying to you. I would be crying about certain things or they’d be crying. And I remember someone was like, “I have not cried in like over a year.” Oh my gosh. And then I would look at Danielle with the tears and I’m like, “I can’t do that.” But then I’m like, “Should I be?” […] Here’s the deal: the lying, the manipulating, we’re gamers. Do I lie in games? Yes, of course. It’s fair game. People can play how they want, whatever. My whole thinking with like Traitors, though, I thought, “This is lighthearted and fun.” […] It was hard for me. It truly was hard for me.

Let’s talk about Danielle’s reaction to your banishment because it’s everywhere. That and her swearing on her grandchildren. What was your reaction to all of that?

I was like, “Girl.” People are talking about it but I was shocked. I was like, “Oh my gosh, she’s doing it.” She went on TV kind of like Bob the Drag Queen. He was like, “I’m going to put on a show.” I expect Bob the Drag Queen to be performative, to be putting on a great show. I never in a million years would have expected someone from Big Brother to be falling down on the floor like that. That’s just the truth. I was shocked. But I certainly don’t think anyone deserves the level of hate that she is getting. Whether we agree on how we play the game and blah blah blah. I don’t think that anyone deserves that type of hate. And I know how it feels. People diagnosed me — it hurts. It’s one thing to make fun of people’s gameplay but when you get personal. I get that all the time: “Are you on drugs? Are you still on drugs? What’s wrong with her? Did she have a stroke? What’s wrong with her?” Make fun of the way we’re playing. We don’t like the personal shit, it’s not necessary […] I don’t think the hate is warranted.

If the roles were reversed and you were still in the castle, who would you have murdered and recruited next?

At that point in the game, I’m not kidding you, I was so sick of the unanimous votes. I was so sick of like, the theories — the cage boy stuff. The smart thing is to just go along with this stuff but it killed me for Ciara [Miller] to go. First of all, I’m thinking, “This is someone who would have voted with me to get Danielle out, who is suspicious [of her.]” So I just was dying inside […] I knew that this was the last night to recruit and all I could think of was, “I want Gabby [Windey] in there with me because I just want to have fun.” I wasn’t thinking about shit else. Nothing else other than this dream of going in there with Gabby and actually frickin enjoying being in the castle and having fun. That’s it, sorry. And then strategically, I wanted to frickin have fun, because that’s truly what I went out there [for]. Have fun and enjoy, but not get that serious. I expect that the cutthroat stuff. Big Brother, Survivor, whatever. But I just was playing with the people like Tom Sandoval, Lord Ivar, these people don’t even know what’s going on […] But all I wanted was Gabby.

If we got a Traitors all-star season, would you come back? And would you beg Alan Cumming to be a Faithful this time around?

I’m not even there yet or thinking that. I love the Traitor stuff, yes I do. I need fun people though, not so serious. Again, we all play differently. And we’re happy for the people who are like rah rah rah rah. It just wasn’t me. I would have loved it with Gabby in there or like even Dorinda [Medley] would have been fine.

Is there someone from the Survivor universe you would like to be a Traitor alongside?

No. And it’s funny because I say that to Alan early on. I said, “Can I be in there alone? Because I know how to have fun by myself.”

The first nine episodes of The Traitors Season 3 are currently streaming on Peacock. New episodes release on Thursdays at 9 p.m. ET.