And Just Like That… has never shied away from making controversial character choices. Season 1 of the Max show opened with Big (Chris Noth) croaking on a Peloton and ended with Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) blowing up her life to follow Che (Sara Ramírez) to Los Angeles for a spell. However, nothing has made this longtime Sex and the City devotee scream like I did when Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) dropped the most massive bombshell ever in And Just Like That… Season 2 Episode 8 “A Hundred Years.” Basking in the post-orgasmic glow of her reunion with Aidan (John Corbett), Carrie tells Miranda she’s now wondering if Big — chasing him, loving him, marrying him, mourning him — was a big mistake.

The visceral reaction I had to this one line of dialogue was one of shock and confusion. Carrie’s unwavering devotion to Big was the lynchpin that held Sex and the City together. Sure, it was a toxic love, but it was presented as a true love. The battle between Big and Aidan was always framed as the tug of war between passionate lust and cozy comfort in romance. Carrie ultimately couldn’t resist the siren call of passion and she chose Big.

For And Just Like That… to challenge the SATC‘s thesis that, hey, sometimes we do stupid, crazy things in the name of overwhelming love has spun me into an existential crisis. The good news is the writers totally intended it that way. The bad news is I still don’t know how to feel about it.

And Just Like That… is a sequel series to the groundbreaking HBO hit Sex and the City. After Carrie loses husband Big, the love of her life (OR WAS HE?), she sets off on a journey of self-discovery alongside her loyal cadre of friends. In And Just Like That... Season 2 Episode 6 “Bomb Cyclone,” Carrie brings up ex-fiancé Aidan Shaw at dinner with her friends. We soon learn that she’s been keeping tabs on Aidan and by episode’s end, she’s emailing him. By the end of And Just Like That… Season 2 Episode 7 “February 14th,” she and Aidan have rekindled their romance and in this week’s episode, Carrie reveals that she’s having the best orgasms of her life with him (or any man) now after all these years.

In Max’s And Just Like That… The Writers Room Podcast, the show’s writers explain they wanted to show how a post-Big Carrie is more open than she’s ever been before. Part of it is “there are things that do get better with age,” and part of it is the fact that Big’s death has forced her to embrace a “life is short” attitude. But there’s something else at play, too.

“I think I was always holding a piece of myself back [from Aidan] because of Big. Like I couldn’t, or I wouldn’t allow myself to fully go there. Just feel this connection,” Carrie says to Miranda in And Just Like That… Season 2 Episode 8 “A Hundred Years Ago.”

“And I’m just wondering was it always there, and I just didn’t want to accept it… I’ve been asking myself was Big a big mistake?”

Yes, that was the moment I screamed. It turns out I wasn’t imagining the sheer destructive power of that one line. On the official And Just Like That… writers’ podcast, Julie Rottenburg calls it “a gut punch,” Susan Fales-Hill describes it as “an existential question,” and showrunner Michael Patrick King says, “It’s also plate-shifting question on the legacy of the series that came before this.”

Heck yeah, it is! It’s all of those things!

If Big was a big mistake than the tenor of Sex and the City‘s shifts from a romantic comedy to a deranged nightmare. While I know for a fact that many viewers long felt that Big was Carrie’s worst boyfriend, I always felt the show understood that. Big was the worst for Carrie on paper, but he was the best for her in her heart and soul. The Big/Carrie romance was one that defied common sense in favor of chasing an intangible exhilaration you only got in the throes of love.

Aidan, on the other hand, was the ideal partner for Carrie. He was laid back where she was uptight, patient where she was anxious, and vulnerable where she was prickly. The problem was Big existed. Carrie couldn’t ever quiet her desires for Big long enough to settle down with Aidan. She cheated on Aidan with Big and that decision ultimately led to their downfall.

While I appreciate that And Just Like That… is taking the risk to have Carrie re-examine her life choices, there’s something so taboo about regretting a marriage that ended in death, not divorce. When we reunited with Carrie at the start of And Just Like That…, it seemed that she had obtained a happily ever after with Big. There was nothing, therefore, to regret. All the mess, tears, and drama over the years were worth what was gained.

Now, because Carrie doesn’t have Big to think about, she’s able to achieve a newfound level of physical and emotional intimacy with Aidan. Because of that, she naturally can’t help but wonder — as she so often does — if Aidan was the one she should have chosen all along. I made the mistake of thinking that And Just Like That… was telling a story where the moral was Carrie didn’t have to choose between Aidan and Big. She could eventually have both. Now the show is trying to say Carrie wasted decades of her life on the wrong man?

This humdinger of a question comes right in the middle of Carrie and Aidan’s “honeymoon” period, where they’re having non-stop sex and riding a giddy high. At some point, they will come down to earth. They will have to address the fact that Aidan refuses to set foot in Carrie’s apartment. There is Aidan’s ex-wife and three sons to deal with. At some point, one of them will make a mistake. At that point, I wonder if Carrie will still think of her years with Big as a “big mistake.”