Bachelor in Paradise fans who thought the Season 9 premiere’s relentless toe sucking talk was low-key mortifying are in for a rude Episode 3 awakening.
That’s right, folks. As the trailer promised, it’s “poo baby” time. And I’m not sure anything could prepare a person to follow an hour of Golden Bachelor romance, wisdom, and inspiration with two hours of horny twenty and thirty-somethings having heart-to-hearts about constipation on a Mexico beach.
If you pay close attention at the top of Episode 3, you’ll notice contestant Sam Jeffries is absent for major filming moments, including the arrivals of Tanner Courtad and Tyler Norris. Why? Turns out she was in the bathroom desperately trying to relieve herself after a long stretch of constipation.
In a dramatic confessional, Jeffries told cameras that she took a stool softener to help loosen things up, but it didn’t kick in until the worst possible moment: the first Paradise rose ceremony.
“I’m drenched in sweat because I finally have to go to the bathroom,” Jeffries said as a rose ceremony flashback showed her painful point of view. “I’m squeezing everything, literally flexing my core trying not to poop my pants.” As soon as the rose ceremony ended, she didn’t have to go to the bathroom anymore. But nine days of no pooping was starting to take a toll on her emotional and physical wellbeing, so producers called in an expert — Dr. Kelly Tenbrink, a handsome on-call ER physician who saw absolutely no shame in saying “poo baby” on primetime ABC Thursday night television multiple times.
“So bowel movements can be funny, but they can also be serious. Constipation is not an uncommon thing here in Paradise, but nine days is not good,” Dr. Poo Baby said. “In the ER where I work, I’ve seen things get really bad,” he continued, explaining that around Day 10 without a bowel movement drastic actions need to be taken. He told Jeffries she had until sunrise (around 11.5 hours, per the helpful Paradise countdown on screen) to try more laxatives, enemas, or digital stimulation, but if she couldn’t relieve herself by morning they’d have to deliver…a poo baby.
“The biggest poo baby I’ve ever seen would be on a CT scan. I think we measured it. I think 16 inches-ish probably,” he told producers. Sadly, Dr. PB didn’t deliver that whopper, so he can’t say how much it weighed. But something tells me we don’t need to know that information — or any of this, for that matter! And yet, Jeffries’ poo baby, before it’s even delivered, is doing the heavy lifting on this season of Bachelor in Paradise.
While the Bachelor spin-off is the most loosely structured series in the franchise, it’s still intended to be a story primarily geared toward finding love. And yet, here we are, spending many minutes learning about Jeffries’ private medical issues and watching people talk about poop while footage of gophers popping out of holes and turtle heads emerging from shells occasionally play. On one hand, the “poo baby” drama made Paradise Season 9 seem desperate for storylines. On the other hand, Jeffries’ journey was admittedly the most interesting part of Episode 3. Both truths suggest this season is a real stinker!
As producers noted, Jeffries was “in a crappy situation.” She sought comfort from Olivia, who said poo baby delivery sounded “aggressively painful and absolutely horrible,” then asked if they do poo baby C-sections. Jeffries also told Wells, who dubbed her “Cinderella, but instead of a glass slipper it’s a big dookie.” After unsuccessfully trying to “scare the crap out of her,” Wells explained, “She has to evacuate her bowels or she’s gonna have to evacuate Paradise.” And with that, she pulled her love interest Aaron S. aside and laid everything out.
If there was one bright spot in this deeply crappy storyline, it’s Aaron’s reaction to his girl’s potential poo baby. After showing genuine concern for Jeffries’ wellbeing he promised her the best night of her life and treated her road to recovery as a bonding opportunity. He assembled a “poo poo platter” of coffee, salad, olive oil shots, and Mexican food; lead her in some exercises; and reminded her “It’s not your poop baby it’s our poop baby.” So romantic. After a “cheers to making shit happen” toast, Sam excused herself to use the restroom with four and a half hours left on the clock.
Will she be able to stay in Paradise? Tune in next week to find out. Until then, Dr. Kelly Tenbrink, if you’re reading this, after you deliver all your poo babies for the week can you please deliver me from the hell of Paradise Season 9? I’d be eternally grateful.