The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On Season 2 had its fair share of drama, from a parking lot fight to a surprise pregnancy to whatever you want to call what happened to Antonio/Alex/Roxanne/Kat. Throughout the season, there were two people that viewers could rely on to rein things in a bit: that couple was James and Ryann, southern high school sweethearts who looked like they were pulled from a Hallmark show.
Apparently, though, James and Ryann were sitting on a secret throughout the entire season — one aided and abetted by the editors. The Ultimatum Season 2 reunion, however, pulled all these secrets out of the dark and into the light. And guess what? To paraphrase Ludacris, James is a gentleman in the streets and a freak in the bed.
You know things are gonna get spicy when hosts Nick and Vanessa Lachey toss to a segment literally titled “James After Dark” (sounds familiar…).
It turns out that, uh, remember when James was giving his Ultimatum trial wife Riah tips on foreplay? How it could last all day long? It seemed a bit silly at the time, because of James’ quiet nature and boyish good looks. What in the world could James know about foreplay? Uh… turns out a lot!
There’s James and Ryann in the kitchen, wearing nothing but underwear and aprons with flour handprints on their naughty bits! There’s night vision footage of James chasing Ryann into the shower (“Shower sex is usually difficult,” admits Ryann, “but we have a big bench in the shower”)! There’s James doing a striptease for Ryann… while her dog watches! There’s James lying naked, face down on their bed while Ryann drips hot candle wax on him, while making the kind of face that you imagine Shaun White making as he pulls off a gnarly, gold-medal snowboarding move.
These two may have been together for seven years, but the spark is more than alive. As James explains, “We went from being inexperienced kids to, like, mid-level bondage.” No wonder Ryann has stuck it out all these years even without a ring on her finger. I am resisting making a joke about a ring being somewhere else… oops, this is the joke.
In a confessional interview, James says, “I hope my grandma doesn’t watch this,” to which the interviewer points out that his grandma has had sex. Then James says what will go down as the quote of all quotes from The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On Season 2:
“True, but I don’t think my grandma knows what a sounding rod is.”
And then he makes this face.
Cutting back to the reunion, James immediately clarifies that he does not use sounding rods. Then the Lacheys and the cast all try to figure out what a sounding rod is because James refuses to elaborate past saying that he does not use them. Then, of all people, Kat speaks up.
Yes, the meekest and mildest cast member of all, even meeker and milder than James and Ryann, tells the Lacheys about sounding rods. How did she know about them? “Just Googling, you know, fun things to try.” She also clarifies that she and Alex have not used a sounding rod.
And here we thought that Marry or Move On Season 2 was going to be boring compared to The Ultimatum: Queer Love. But nope — at least this one straight couple is fully wilding out in the bedroom. Where was this energy all season long?!
All of The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On Season 2 is available to stream on Netflix. And look for James on Season 2 of Netflix’s How to Build a Sex Room, probably.