I’ve always harboured a suspicion that politicians who rail against gay rights could be secretly gay themselves; an assumption well founded on more than one occasion.

However, by this logic, I suppose it only makes sense that I harbour another suspicion, too: that Republican vice-presidential candidate J.D. Vance is, in his heart of hearts, a childless cat lady. He may have appeared on numerous occasions to be extremely disdainful of Democrat-voting spinsters. But I wonder if this disdain masks a genuine longing to curl up at the end of a taxing day with the latest Roxane Gay and a warm tabby on his lap.