If you’re human, you likely harbor strong opinions about which of your friends should get divorced. But your personal beliefs are likely to differ from many of your friends’ views.

A 2023 Pew Research Center survey found that Americans are split on when couples should break up. While 55% say couples who are unhappy tend to stay in bad marriages for too long, 43% say unhappy couples tend to get divorced too quickly.

But whatever you believe, know this: A friend who is weighing a divorce is making a monumental life decision that could have lasting repercussions for their finances and children, if they have them. And too often, the words of support you give to your friend in this pivotal moment are not all that helpful.

Therapists shared the words that can do more harm than good to a friend weighing a divorce as lessons for us all.

DON’T share your opinions or religious beliefs.

Your personal opinions about how you would act if you were in this marriage are not helpful. In other words, don’t mention your grandparents’ 50-year marriage as an example of why your friend should tough it out.

“As a couples therapist, I still encounter the belief that being unhappy in a marriage is the standard,” said Anita Chlipala, a marriage and family therapist. “So if someone is unhappy in their own marriage and has accepted that that is the norm, they will try to convince you of staying in yours.“

Instead, Chlipala said it’s better for friends to reiterate their support in whatever decision their friend makes and acknowledge that only they truly know what it’s like to be in that marriage.

Justin Dodson, a therapist specializing in working with men and couples, said people who are religious may also be tempted to “convince the person that it’s going to pay off in a blessing if you stick it out in the hard times ... or they bring back the person’s vows.”

This kind of spiritual manipulation is “bad because it neglects the position the person is currently in, and it completely minimizes the fact that the person could be in an unhealthy relationship,” he said. “It now makes the conversation about you.”

DON’T say, “You’ll find someone else.”

When your friend is feeling down, you may make the mistake of thinking that a pep talk of “You could do better” or “You’ll find someone else” will cheer them up.

But this kind of rhetoric is not meeting your friend where they are, as someone who is currently in a long-term committed relationship with someone they once wanted to marry.

That’s why Chlipala advises against saying these phrases. “There may be a part of your friend that still loves their spouse and the last thing on their mind is imagining a life with someone else,” she said.

Instead, it’s better to communicate that it’s OK to grieve the marriage your friend wanted and is not getting.

Say an answer like, “You married them because you loved them and expected things to work out. You thought this was going to be your forever person. Give yourself time to figure out what you want and to grieve the partner and the life you thought you were going to have,” Chlipala said as an example.

DON’T say “Are you backpedaling on your decision?”

If your friend disclosed that they were leaning toward divorce, but in conversations is still showing uncertainty and confusion about what to do, resist the impulse to ask them to make a firm choice, or judge them for rehashing the latest drama their no-good partner did.

Chlipala said the friend who is considering divorce is most likely “dealing with their own internal battle: ‘Did I do enough? Was I too harsh during my marriage? Was I unrealistic?’ They’re doubting themselves and their role in the demise of their marriage. They might be battling feelings of shame and feeling like a failure.“

In other words, indecision is normal and you should not critique or judge your friend for feeling torn about making a decision.

So instead of judging, tell your friend that they can take all the time that they need to be certain about their decision, Chlipala advised.

If your friend is trying to avoid divorce, a better way to ask about their doubts is, “Do you notice any progress, even if it seems small?” Chlipala added.

This kind of question “shows that you are deliberately looking for and hopeful of any positive improvements,” she said. “Your friend may feel so hopeless or helpless that it’s easy to overlook the positives and only focus on the negatives and that the progress is not enough.”

DON’T say, “We’ll celebrate when you’re divorced!”

You may be secretly counting down the days until your friend divorces the partner you hate or who you feel treats them poorly. But it’s not helpful to let the glee at the marriage’s demise show up in your face or in your words.

“Your friend will be grieving the loss of their marriage. Even if they know it’s the best option, it may not be a cause for celebration. And for some, it’s not what they signed up for,” Chlipala explained.

Too often, friends do not acknowledge the grief of divorcing someone, even if it’s a decision your friend is initiating, said Carla Avalos, a licensed clinical social worker. “I feel that friends could do a better job of holding space for that person and saying, ‘Hey, I know that this is a really tough time. What can I do to support you?’“

Sending a message of “I’m here for you for whatever you need. Whether you want me to come over when you’re feeling lonely or need a good cry, go on a trip, or do silly things together, you can count on me” is what your friend could benefit from hearing, Chlipala said.

And if your friend asks for your guidance, you do not need to have all the answers. Dodson said it can be helpful to brainstorm with them a checklist on what they would need to have in place in order to divorce.

And DON’T say nothing at all.

And then once you do commit to being there for your friend, follow through on that promise. If your friend gets divorced, their entire life may change. They might lose family, money, their routine and the ability to see their children all the time.

Don’t be one more person in their life who could not step up when needed.

Keep asking about how they’re feeling. Avalos said friends can make the mistake of pretending that nothing major is happening. If you do not even acknowledge what your friend is going through, they may think, “Is this even a safe person for me to talk to about my feelings? Because they’re not saying anything at all.”

This doesn’t mean you have to talk about the divorce all the time. Dodson said it can be meaningful to simply offer your space and presence, without even talking about the actual topic.

“Sometimes people just need physical support and presence without someone trying to solve the problem for them,” he said.