Every child has regrettable moments. It’s common for kids to bite, scream, hit or lie — and then feel terrible about it. They might ask, “Are you mad at me?” or they might even say, “I shouldn’t be part of this family” or “You don’t love me anymore.” Highly emotional and sensitive children are especially prone to these dramatic declarations.

This can be incredibly jarring for parents, and a common response is, “We love you, but we don’t love that behavior.”

This can feel like a positive approach because there is a loving statement right before the reprimand. But in reality, kids can be left feeling that their parents’ love will shift based on their actions, which can lead to a whole slew of other issues.

We asked experts to explain why saying “We love you, but...” can be damaging, and what parents can say instead.

There’s A Hidden Message

When children grow up feeling unconditional love from their parents, they are more likely to become mentally and physically healthy adults. When kids are experiencing big emotions, it’s especially important to let them know they can verbalize their feelings without losing your security and support.

Phrases like “We love you, but…” can send the wrong signal in these vulnerable moments.

“What [parents] are actually accomplishing is they are telling their child that their love is conditional,” said Dr. Stacy Doumas, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Hackensack Meridian Health. “By putting the word ‘but’ in there, they are signaling that there is an exception to their love.”

Many parents show love for their children in small ways on a daily basis: a goodnight kiss, a lunchbox note, a conversation about school. So when children misbehave and indicate insecurity with “Are you mad at me?” a simple reminder should be enough to reassure them.

“They really should use, ‘I love you’ — hard stop — to let the child know that their love is unconditional,” Doumas said. “If a child feels that their parent’s love is conditional, that can lead to things like low self-esteem, insecurity, anxiety and trust issues, and it might impact their later relationships.”

When kids make a poor choice and start questioning their parents’ affection, reaffirming love is important, but it needs to be separated from the conversation about behavior.

How To Separate Conversations About Love And Behavior

When kids act up, their emotions are running high — and it’s a terrible time to teach a lesson. It’s hard to think straight when you’re upset. Kids and parents need to be calm to talk about boundaries and expectations.

“When kids have big emotions and are really upset, that’s a time to validate their feelings and empathize, even if there’s been a behavior that’s not OK,” Doumas said. “Give them time to self-regulate and get down to a place of calm before having a conversation.”

This also gives you time to process the situation so you can handle it effectively, rather than being reactive.

“When your child is distressed, or you’re distressed, the words don’t come out the way you want them to,” said Michele Borba, educational psychologist and author of “Thrivers: The Surprising Reason Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine.”

Borba suggests preparing go-to phrases in advance so you’ll be ready when hypercharged moments arise. She recommends saying: “I love you. I’m here for you. Let’s calm down and talk about this in a few minutes.”

Then, you can take time to think through your family’s values and what lesson your child needs to learn.

Find The Teachable Moment

Once everyone has settled, if you focus on the facts, your child is more likely to learn a lesson from the experience.

Try to focus only on discussing the behavior. If your child indicates insecurity during the conversation with “Do you still love me?” or “Are you mad at me?” you can say, “I love you. I’m here for you.” Then, wait a moment to let it sink in before returning to the conversation on behavior.

Ideally, you have already set up certain expectations with your child. Start your behavior conversation by restating your expectation. For example, you might expect your child to use kind words, be respectful, or complete school work on time.

“You can explain: ‘These were the expectations, this is what occurred, this is why that’s not OK, and this is the consequence of your actions,’” Doumas said. “Focus on what caused their actions. Are they undergoing a difficult transition? Do they have an underlying mental health need? Were there triggers that we can avoid?”

Understanding the underlying causes can guide your suggestions on how to better handle situations in the future.

Effective Consequences

Consequences can be an effective part of your lesson plan and can actually show that you want to help. When consequences are logical or natural, they are more impactful than strictly punitive approaches.

“It’s really good when the consequences make sense,” Doumas said.

Ideally, you can give consequences that are respectful, related to the behavior, and lead to improvement in the future.

For instance, perhaps your child didn’t clean up their yard toys, and their remote-control car got ruined in the rain. Here’s the expectation and consequence: “You need to put your toys away. You left your car outside, and it got ruined in the rain. I know you must be sad and that you can do better next time. You can choose to save your allowance to get a new one, or you can go without it.”

Real Positive Parenting

Both Doumas and Borba emphasized that it’s best to develop your loving relationship as much as possible outside moments of misbehavior.

“We want to spend most of our time thinking about how we can focus on the positive things,” Doumas said. “Positive parenting involves a lot of praise for good behaviors, rewards for good behaviors, and giving choices.”

Celebrating moments of kindness and generosity can be an effective way to teach behavior, and it signals that you are noticing all of their best qualities.

“Hopefully you already have a loving relationship with your child, so that’s not the issue here,” Borba said. “The issue is raising a good human being, and behavior is a huge piece of it. ... We already love our children dearly, and because we love our children so much, we want them to behave right.”