people are posting cute pics of their favorite books they read this year all stacked up, so I’m gonna make one of a bunch of open Wikipedia tabs on my phone

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) December 20, 2023

you want me to finish a task???? On December 19th???? literally Christmas morning???

— Kylie Brakeman (@deadeyebrakeman) December 19, 2023

there’s always that person at the party who won’t stop advocating for playing a game. you’ll look away for one second and suddenly they’re gathering up all the cutlery and saying you’re about to play a game called knives

— chase (@_chase_____) December 16, 2023

My cat when I sleep at someone else’s house for a night https://t.co/gVLoaGxgyT

— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) December 17, 2023

“giddy up jingle horse, pick up your feet” sounds like something tom wambsgans would say to greg as he’s being forced to commit a federal crime

— ℜ???????????????????? ???????????????????????????????????? ???? (@chaotic_sub) December 19, 2023

i don’t need a weighted blanket i need to be baked into a pie

— Pastrami Mommy (@Ewelannawhite) December 19, 2023

I gotta level with you man, I'd be fucking thrilled if a bunch of ghosts came by and told me how to fix my shit in a single night

— helen qu'elle heure (@uberjnet) December 20, 2023

Europe is not a real place bro. This Danish girl asked me if I’ve ever done “snuss” and I didn’t know how to tell her that sounds like a hard drug from a Dr. Seuss book

— abby govindan (@abbygov) December 20, 2023

Do you mind if we push our meeting to tomorrow? I've been dreading it all day but would like to dread it all day tomorrow as well.

— Christine Obert (@cdpsolutions1) December 18, 2023

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) December 19, 2023

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

— kira ???? (@kirawontmiss) December 21, 2023

Cute that they invented “chief of staff” so boys could be secretaries too

— EBITMA (@ebitmom) December 18, 2023

There’s a white woman in HR who’s about to EAT in these https://t.co/vO3zXkBvV7

— Candy????????✨ (@labeautenoire_3) December 18, 2023

I just feel like another ship getting stuck in the Suez Canal would boost morale a lot

— Iris✨ (@Jest_Iris) December 19, 2023

“um as you should?” to my best friend describing a felony

— reb (@rebmasel) December 16, 2023

why does he look like weird barbie ???? https://t.co/1pznsXiUa8

— brandi • NOLA N3????️ (@daysevermore) December 20, 2023

Moms LOVE asking if you’re working as if it’s not 1pm on a regular business day

— gibby (@ClaireSassman) December 20, 2023

goodnight time to check and make sure all my sims are where they’re supposed to be <3 pic.twitter.com/trRo9eHr5y

— sol. (@soleisdaylight) December 19, 2023

girl math is having a car lip balm, room lip balm, work lip balm, & bag lip balm

— gen???? (@gsnivxa) December 20, 2023

If you start watching Oppenheimer now the end credits will hit right as the ball drops

— Heben Nigatu (@hebennigatu) December 21, 2023

I think of this literally every time someone opens a present in a movie pic.twitter.com/iexe7R6Kzj

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) December 20, 2023

Punk music is characterized by anti-authoritarian/anti-Right wing thought. Therefore, “Edelweiss” is a punk song and Julie Andrews is my favorite punk singer.

— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) December 18, 2023

when someone is like “hey this is due thursday at noon” but then they are hitting you up on wednesday at 3pm like “hey where is it” god should punish that

— ashley ray (@theashleyray) December 20, 2023

trying to give the uber eats guy instructions while i’m high pic.twitter.com/8LajnHoEKy

— Cait???? (@CaitCamelia) December 18, 2023

Lowkey pushing 30 (turning 23 this upcoming year)

— GW (@G_wuapbaby) December 20, 2023

did yall even ask birria if she wanted to be all these things https://t.co/aWhFuW2KPT

— arielle (@ar1e11e) December 19, 2023

when I got the pigeon from the spca i was behind someone who’d just paid $500 for a puppy. so I go and I fill out the paperwork and they’re like “ok that’ll be $15.” and I said “what.” and they said “that’ll be $15.” and I said “are you sure??” and they said “ya. it’s a pigeon”

— Gabrielle Drolet (@gabrielledrolet) December 19, 2023

dream job is a spotify copywriter. 6 figures to write playlist descriptions like “it’s giving sad girl”

— carl marks (@whoreby_parker) December 20, 2023