people with bikes love to say oh no worries I’ll cycle there and then show up to the function just sweaty and horrible

— re: emma (@evemmore) May 6, 2025

welcome to college. where every single person is smarter than u except for the 3 people in ur group project

— ً (@kateinwords) May 7, 2025

just saw two women crying and hugging in the locker room at planet fitness and then i heard one of them say, "I'm brittany by the way" ????????

— emily may (@emilykmay) May 6, 2025

“he’ll yes” is an insane thing for my iPhone to keep thinking I wanna say

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) May 7, 2025

I went on a coffee date with my husband, and as soon as we walked in, he said, very loudly mind you "You don't think your husband is going to see us in here together do you!?" And now everyone is looking at me like I'm a whore.

— ChickenTender (@voluntaryasmine) May 7, 2025

I love to address people by their name during conversations. It’s how I remind them I know things about them. Like their name

— Rosie (@exitsenses) May 6, 2025

flying across the country with my real id, my real ego, my real superego

— kit duckworth (@cgduckworth) May 6, 2025

person who is definitely not in crisis: yeah i think i wanna go to ireland soon

— via (@atrophicbtrfly) May 6, 2025

for someone who loves to sleep so much you’d think that i’d go to bed earlier

— ً (@sonohoor) May 7, 2025

do you want to hang out and be stressed and on our computers together

— lily (@hondacrvthe3rd) May 6, 2025

no more recession indicators!!!!! it’s been indicated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

— sandy (@sandyhonig) May 7, 2025

Chuck bass after opening a speakeasy before algebra class https://t.co/6gmpcThXJs

— miriam (@m1riamh) May 5, 2025

whoever came up with lefty loosey righty tighty absolutely cranked it out of the park on that one

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) May 8, 2025

damn i fucked up.. https://t.co/FeiMh9DFgG

— Sabrina Carpenter (@SabrinaAnnLynn) May 8, 2025

sometimes i worry about being chronically online but then i remember there are people who think chatgpt is their friend♥️

— bug girl (@buggirl) May 8, 2025

trump wanting to reopen alcatraz is so funny because it’s just obviously the only prison he knows the name of

— sonya ???? (@sonyashea3) May 7, 2025

Do you think there’s an amount of money the Vatican would accept to let you use the Conclave chimney to do a gender reveal

— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) May 8, 2025

when my beautiful friend becomes single i shall run the conclave for her next bf

— meredith ???? (@dietz_meredith) May 7, 2025