my brain at 3am pic.twitter.com/qtb79Vv1rK

— ໊ (@realworldxpp) April 20, 2025

Nothing is crazier than when a bird gets into the house. Your whole life instantly reorients around a bird being in your house

— keysmashbandit (@keysmashbandit) April 20, 2025

when your eyelid twitches uncontrollably that means everything’s okay

— teryn (@youngtiddy) April 23, 2025

the way the gym is so busy at 10am needs to be studied. like yeah I’m not at work but why are YOU ALL not at work

— em (@emilybastow_) April 24, 2025

this is not a sentence I ever thought I would need to assemble in any language, but 1958 feels like a really late year for a dead Pope to explode https://t.co/iGBXgNEQy7

— Janel Comeau ???? (@VeryBadLlama) April 23, 2025

my boyfriend just said that on long drives he watches other cars and makes “friends” with the other drivers who are driving “normal” and gets sad when him and the other “normal” drivers part ways ????

— Colleen (@Coll3enG) April 20, 2025

white people LOVE to say "ooooh that's dangerous" after the first sip of a drink where you can barely taste the alcohol in it

— ✨ z - evie ✨ (@sillymoder_) April 20, 2025

man struck up a conversation with me in the airport and admitted he had just gotten off the phone with his 30-y.o. daughter, during which she complained about dating, and he “really just wanted to ask a woman around her age if it was really that bad or if she was being dramatic”

— Maria (@mlstrat) April 21, 2025

my husband participates in the HOA just to stifle their ideas and ruin their chances of success from the inside.

— that’s what I mean when I say you should love someone for their mind

— Sarah (@heyaimsarah) April 22, 2025

noooo my eggs :( they were all in that basket

— soup (@s0upworld) April 23, 2025

I was with a guy and my friend texted me “are you touching each others privates?” while I was showing him something

— brain dump (@name_redacted_) April 23, 2025

there's nothing more catholic than locking a hundred and twenty old men in a room and forcing them to decide who is god's number one boy

— miccaeli ✍️ (@renegadeapostle) April 21, 2025