combining zoomer lowercase w/ the use of boomer ellipses to keep everybody on their toes...

— maggie zhu ???? (@zhuphilia) March 2, 2025

never feel more American than when I’m paying money to park at a hospital

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) March 4, 2025

IT'S MY 3 YEAR ANNIVERSARY WITH MY BF ON WEDNESDAY AND I THOUGHT I WOULD BAKE A CAKE FOR THE FIRST TIME BUT I AM ONLY REALISING NOW THAT USING BLOOD RED ICING AND WRITING "THREE YEARS" MAKES THIS LOOK LIKE A THREAT pic.twitter.com/4dPIuaJVzj

— fran (@___onlyfrans) March 3, 2025

this isn’t killing me or making me stronger but a secret third thing

— ugh (@ughfinewhatever) March 2, 2025

my exes mom just liked my instagram post with my new man, thanks for the support girly

— goth ms frizzle ????????♀️ (@g0thgoblin) March 4, 2025

goodbye seasonal depression, welcome back crippling anxiety that I’m not making the most of all my daylight hours

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) March 4, 2025

you get wronged by ONE irish man and… pic.twitter.com/3VXqTIXWAR

— brecht apologist (@madisontayt_) March 3, 2025

sorry i can’t go out tonight i’m at home sitting down

— erica (@ericanextdooor) March 5, 2025

idk I think it’s a goldilocks situation and he needs to find the third Jennifer that is just right https://t.co/6sUhP68xLE

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) March 5, 2025

March is just January in a trench coat trying to buy cigarettes

— inspector ratchet (@_hood_mona_lisa) March 2, 2025

Your first coffee's only purpose is to prepare you for the enjoyment of the second coffee

— Gaby Goldberg (@gaby_goldberg) March 5, 2025

you can’t have quentin tarantino come on after adrian brody like we need a bit of a break between freaks

— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) March 3, 2025

Whenever a man tells me not to cut my hair he’s a misogynist and whenever a man encourages me to cut my hair he’s plotting on my downfall. I’m surrounded by Judases and Brutuses. I must only look within. The path ahead will reveal itself to me through quiet reflection and prayer

— Kat ♱ (@albertcamslut) March 2, 2025

slay https://t.co/pOgeEo2690 pic.twitter.com/b617TtoOaO

— tøia ???? (@buckdiasz) March 2, 2025

No kids at my wedding. Gonna Uber the flower girl home when she’s done

— sweetie ❤️???? (@cwtyp) March 3, 2025

you don’t need chat GPT. you need a rotation of guys. I have a nuke guy, an astrophysics guy, a medieval guy, a french politics guy, etc

— unregistered hyperkate 2 (@kathrwn) March 5, 2025

Time to annoy my husband pic.twitter.com/G5IS31qfBG

— bird (@oliveegger) March 3, 2025

"Mr. Trump you're increasing the volume of your voice but not the logic of your argument"

Yeah I'm stealing that. That's fire ????????????

— Oxtail Pricing Specialist (@simsimmaaz) March 1, 2025

Situationships a day before ghosting each other pic.twitter.com/I8eEZxoye8

— ☆ Angelita ☆ (@pyschodior) March 3, 2025

this photo of jeff goldblum looking at his own red carpet pic at the oscars is sending me pic.twitter.com/jsrvKyxQZG

— ana ౨ৎ (@raindropsdeluxe) March 3, 2025

today my nephew asked if animals are religious. he’s in catholic school (tragically) and learning about noah’s ark. I told him all cats are muslim

— oatmeal influencer (@acechhh) March 5, 2025

the forbidden chocolate ice cream https://t.co/bDuUnFGIlY

— sierra (@sierralayko) March 1, 2025

Why America gotta fall apart when it’s my turn to get my life together

— L (@bajanbiatch) March 5, 2025

*turns on 65 inch tv*

*keeps scrolling tiny phone*

- a memoir

— ɴᴏ ᴄᴜᴛs ɴᴏ ʙᴜᴛs ɴᴏ ᴄᴏᴄᴏɴᴜᴛs (@damn_elle) March 5, 2025

hanging out with chronically offline people is so much fun because you regurgitate one half assed joke from twitter and they tell you to go into stand up

— charlie (@bellagcth) March 3, 2025