manager said "i'll beat that horse when it gets here" today. incredible new phrase i will now be using as regularly as possible

— angie (@hotsoggi) February 11, 2025

yeah it’s called going to your friend’s comedy show https://t.co/xCz8zu5JYi

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) February 9, 2025

Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and so much eggs that we gathered at night and threw them at the houses of our enemies.

— Witch (@Space_Bunzzz) February 8, 2025

Weight loss commercials are like No one should ever feel like they need to lose weight ???? Nonetheless,

— @ratlimit (@ratlimit) February 10, 2025

a girl in my office was shaking her protein shake and this woman poked her head around the corner and said “do I hear margaritas?”... no Olivia, it’s 9 am.

— 尺乇ᐯ (@revivemeqt) February 12, 2025

when my friend finally breaks up with her shitty bf and I get to say what I really think pic.twitter.com/EyvPRZCT7G

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) February 10, 2025

Some man in the gas station just said I looked like a skinny Keke Palmer. I live

— Keke Palmer (@KekePalmer) February 12, 2025

someone i know went on a safari and when i asked how it was they were like "i realized i am scared of every single animal" LOL

— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) February 10, 2025

hey bro we're doordashing individual shrimps later if you wanna swing by pic.twitter.com/ExT43mUimR

— bald ann dowd (@ali_sivi) February 11, 2025

How r people so productive on train journeys i literally just experience 4 hrs of Big Thought

— shivani (@drowsiestgirl) February 12, 2025

(Referring to one of my mutuals I’ve never actually talked to) I have this friend

— bunyuns (@imniceandsmart) February 10, 2025

when someone accepts my ebay bid they are falling into my trap. when someone rejects my ebay bid they are allowing me to let go of what is not for me so that I may step into who I will become

— amelia elizalde (@ameliaelizalde) February 11, 2025

can i come over and do this pic.twitter.com/9nzL47RxGv

— limp brittzkit (@Brittymigs) February 12, 2025

Em dash slander!!! I’ve been overusing the em dash since 2016!!! https://t.co/DofVxvqcV7

— Elizabeth Goodspeed (@domesticetch) February 12, 2025

What we’re not about to do is let AI have the em dash. The em dash belongs to human writers. It’s our emotional support punctuation mark https://t.co/FziMJcLnsi

— Moniza Hossain (@moniza_hossain) February 12, 2025

Me and my gf are kind of like. What if the fastest girl in the grade and the girl who walked the mile in PE grew up and fell in love

— ????????????????́ (@esmeishername) February 10, 2025

nothing worse than showing up to a restaurant hungover and you see this size of water cups pic.twitter.com/yuk6ndFj7s

— gia (taylor’s version) (@giamariano5) February 8, 2025

Can it still be an emotional support animal if the animal doesn’t want to participate?? Asking for my cat.

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) February 11, 2025

kendrick lamar is proof that having an arch nemesis is a fundamental part of the human experience

— la lesbian fight club (@unloversciub) February 10, 2025

If ur boyfriend is ugly do NOT post him on Friday…. this week is already hard enough

— Debbie Downer (@ANGELBABYBITTY) February 11, 2025

anyone wanna go in on this pic.twitter.com/mEQ7GqHgRZ

— lexaprofessional (@queasy_f_bby) February 10, 2025

I asked a guy “what book r you reading” and he said “you probably don’t know about it” I get PISSED and tell him “what is it” and the mf looks at me and said “it’s by a guy named George Orwell, it’s called 1984” wow okay excuse me? mister underground alert

— marina (@sosteprightoutt) February 10, 2025

my mom just asked if he was really there and i was like girl . https://t.co/y5fRf9x7xe

— zoë rose bryant (@zoerosebryant) February 9, 2025

How it feels to ask someone if they’re gonna eat their pickle pic.twitter.com/epHsQWMKze

— ROSE LANI (@pradamercury) February 10, 2025

pic.twitter.com/J8WdZNRMFz

— kristina. (@cosmepolitics) February 11, 2025

unfortunately my nervous system doesn’t know the difference between going into a ticketmaster sale and facing the death penalty

— selyoncé???? (@selyoncerry) February 11, 2025

My gym got a mascot and I can’t even pretend to hate him pic.twitter.com/4T3HbV0xQ4

— orbeez god (@orbeezgod) February 9, 2025

Had the funniest exchange with a man at 7eleven

Him: can I get your number gorgeous?

Me: sorry I’m married

Him: so where’s your ring?

Me: getting tightened

Him: why wasn’t it the right size?

Me: I lost weight

Him: why? Cause Your make believe husband stressing you out? pic.twitter.com/353XZNXT3I

— Kam ???? (@MadammeKam) February 11, 2025

the point of life is going to a good restaurant and getting two cocktails with dinner. that’s it

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) February 13, 2025

There were no eggs at Costco. I feel like a lot of you are hoarding eggs. And I want you to understand they expire

— Dr. Allison Wiltz (@queenie4rmnola) February 12, 2025

Feel like I just got slapped in the face with an AARP card pic.twitter.com/CemMPjbvwh

— Ashley Reese (@offbeatorbit) February 13, 2025

Stop using chat gpt. u got a question, u come to me first.

— popular loner????????♀️????♀️ (@milkyy_tweets) February 10, 2025

i just need 20K i didn’t work for. that’s all.. i don’t ask for a lot.

— l. a (@ighostmoving) February 12, 2025