received a wedding invitation with a dress code but there was a missing comma and so it said, "no white ladies."

— emily may (@emilykmay) January 28, 2025

I’ve been doing dry January, but it’s literally just been my lips and skin

— Leanne ???? (@shutupleanne) January 29, 2025

45 degrees I'll never doubt you again.... when I said you were too cold I didn't mean it... people don't appreciate you enough

— delia (@delia_cai) January 29, 2025

Throwback to when my mother rescued an abandoned dog which had no idea what a house was or how to be in it pic.twitter.com/ws13y5SPMN

— Honey (@benegotherit) January 27, 2025

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJ Maxx

— Hustlanani (@hustlanani) January 29, 2025

Talking to this French guy and the way he just spelled “oopsie” is making me mad pic.twitter.com/HIyfqSKKnm

— meredith ???? (@themeredith) January 25, 2025

I’m 36 years old and I still look for someone older than me when an adult is needed

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) January 27, 2025

if a movie is over 3 hours long you should be allowed to bring a pillow and a blanket and your cat with you to the theater

— zoë (@zoeplzshutup) January 26, 2025

Them: Can you explain this gap in your resume?
Me: that was just a pause for dramatic effect.

— Maddy ????️ (@MadHatterMommy) January 29, 2025

trying to explain my social media job to my friend who saves lives for a living pic.twitter.com/hgSEuwWuDH

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) January 26, 2025

i love adding dots after a sentence…kind of mysterious…was i going to say something more? who knows…

— gigi ☆ (@DEARGlGl) January 26, 2025

went to the bakery and they made you into a cupcake bro pic.twitter.com/9KxHJCel0j

— helly r. lovebot (@milfsonmymind) January 25, 2025

smithereens. one of the classic ways to be blown

— defleppardfan94 (@lemonade_grrrl) January 26, 2025

yo apparently, Micheal Jackson would go and record songs as soon as he got the idea so God wouldn’t pass the idea to Prince and I’m fucking cackling, yes this is the kind of vendetta I’m on lmaoo

— mansa (@mansamusso) January 26, 2025

don’t jump to conclusions

me: pic.twitter.com/fTHY8HJFrh

— bella (@stottlover) January 26, 2025

I’ll only try 147 times. After that we’re done.

— ???????????????? ???????????????????????????? (@SkinMuffins) January 28, 2025

No one:

My cat at 4:12 am: These curtains are fucking stupid, I’m gonna take them down

— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) January 29, 2025

i’ve already read 2 books this year and it’s still january pic.twitter.com/UGZxTwR9KL

— trish (@ULTRAGLOSS) January 27, 2025

thrilled by this super team of boeing + elon musk + a rush job https://t.co/TAzbFGNeX5

— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) January 29, 2025

Whoever came up with a 30 minute lunch break need a 30 minute ass whooping

— t. (@t_sadiity) January 29, 2025

I can’t bring myself to consider Anderson Cooper a nepo baby… like yeah his mom is Gloria Vanderbilt but also the hurricane he’s reporting live from doesn’t give a shit about all that it’s gonna hurl debris at his ass regardless

— Keara Sullivan (@superkeara) January 29, 2025

this is what clocking out feels like pic.twitter.com/l0qAL6t64K

— kie (@criminalplaza) January 27, 2025

I don't want to brag but I found a recipe online, and then within *three weeks* not only made the recipe, but closed the tab on my browser

— meghan (@deloisivete) January 29, 2025

(while being chased by a police dog) awww what’s his name

— erica (@ericanextdooor) January 29, 2025

https://t.co/I7bAsELbmj pic.twitter.com/AUEQDJ9g2z

— Liz Charboneau (@lizchar) January 29, 2025

the fact that neither sabrina carpenter nor chappell roan has performed with miss piggy is further proof of disney’s mishandling of the muppets

— Emma Chapple (@emma_chapple) January 26, 2025

My GPS: “I don’t recognize the CVS you go to biweekly, but can I interest you in the route to this resort in North Carolina you once searched for but never visited?”

— redyellowgreendance ???????? (@RYGdance) January 28, 2025

Pelvic floor exercises? You mean puss-ups?

— cyndi ស៊ីនឌី (@__cyntax) January 26, 2025

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 28, 2025