Every time I think I have a new hobby it turns out I just like to buy stuff.

— Cali (@calidaysay) November 9, 2024

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

- Jill ate her friend's sandwich.
- Jill ate her friend's colon.

— ????. (@jtothet) November 11, 2024

When someone’s email address isn’t @ gmail it’s like wow you are one interesting chica

— Liv :P (@liv_username) November 13, 2024

Sorry I can’t make it, it’s dark by 6pm and I have an astigmatism and also I don’t want to.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 14, 2024

I bet getting caramelized feels so good for the onion

— mariana (@pastapilled) November 14, 2024

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

— Cooper???? (@cooperownbey) November 12, 2024

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

— chase (@_chase_____) November 14, 2024

Finally got my own apartment. I haven’t said a single word in 8 hours

— vayda (@vaydaprimadonna) November 11, 2024

Bf just loudly uttered “we are so back” from the kitchen and I thought something exciting had been announced but he was just making a bacon sandwich

— Kirbs ???? (@PsycheRespector) November 13, 2024

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

— Isabel Steckel (@IsabelSteckel) November 14, 2024

Ask any woman over 25 if it's unspoken https://t.co/5v2jwbyRrM

— Dr Eva Burke (@Eva_B89) November 12, 2024

Red onions are clearly fucking purple

— Leanne ???? (@shutupleanne) November 10, 2024

i am a setlist playlist before a show enjoyer in the same way i check the menu before going to a restaurant

— kristen ???? (@marveloustune) November 9, 2024

The only cake you should be sending your younger siblings pic.twitter.com/behq6sZxdW

— ???? (@zuriwtf) November 13, 2024

Kettle chips are great because the crunch is louder than my thoughts

— Kate lol oh no (@Kateness8) November 10, 2024

My manager called someone a bungalow the other day, I scratched my head for time before realising it means THERES NOTHING UPSTAIRS ???????????????????? https://t.co/bjtMWyBC5n

— Lissababez (@LissaBabez) November 9, 2024

does her stylist know she's only 27 https://t.co/1rkDUwZXL4

— ellie (@liampainnnn) November 10, 2024

“What is he, gay or something?” -my fiance one hour into The Talented Mr. Ripley

— Carrie Wittmer ???? (@carriesnotscary) November 10, 2024

having a crush can be so productive it’s currently got me reading russian lit on my iphone at Denver airport

— emma (@open2rain) November 12, 2024

recently listened to brat for the first time and this is how it sounded to me pic.twitter.com/WxCETT3p9f

— gillian murphy (@punkfrenchtoast) November 12, 2024

This feels like we’re in one of the Jurassic Park sequels where a lot of us were like “hey let’s not try this again because last time the dinosaurs got loose” but other people were like “well, maybe the dinosaurs won’t get loose this time.”

— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 11, 2024

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

— meghan (@deloisivete) November 10, 2024

it’s interesting how we see ourselves https://t.co/zlgMPCQPMF

— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) November 9, 2024

every trump appointment is like "Donald Trump has appointed the Grinch as director of the Department of Christmas"

— trash jones (@jzux) November 13, 2024

if RFK bans diet coke, i will make jan 6 look like a girl scout meeting.

— The Ginger Swindler (sixers apologist) (@lilydsmith) November 14, 2024