just texted my crush. dnd is turned on, i’m about to clean the entire apartment, scrub the walls maybe, paint a painting, scream, attempt to read, contemplate jumping off the roof, grounding exercises after the contemplation, etc.

— sarina (@sariverse) October 30, 2024

me: timothée chalamet showed up to his own lookalike competion and didn’t even win and also one of the timothée’s got arrested

normal person: nice day outside today

— claire rowden (@clx1re) October 27, 2024

The only magazines about deer are about hunting them. What if I am simply interested in their happenings?

— Daisy Alioto (@daisandconfused) October 28, 2024

repurchasing 3+ beauty products at once can bankrupt even the most responsible woman

— layla (@laylology) October 28, 2024

Going to a Halloween party for the first time in years. Practicing my small talk pic.twitter.com/T6cCK5kk7I

— Meg (@megannn_lynne) October 28, 2024

just realized i forgot to take the vomit bowl/popcorn bowl/halloween candy bowl in the divorce.

— emily may (@emilykmay) October 31, 2024

as a social worker it’s hard to dress up for Halloween because there is the possibility that someone is telling you something heavy and you’re dressed like a leprechaun

— oatmeal influencer (@acechhh) October 30, 2024

people ask me if i feel safe in nyc and i’m like no, there’s always a small chance you might encounter middle schoolers on the train right after school lets out

— Pastrami Mommy (@Ewelannawhite) October 28, 2024

This is so unnecessarily specific and funny. Please do more hot superlatives. I wanna see people’s sexiest second time divorcee next. https://t.co/1UskMg4mgZ

— stoobs (@thejstoobs) October 29, 2024

Boys do shit like give u water in a mug

— Kali (@102YLA) October 29, 2024

imagine you wake up every day in room-sized bed. you are gently lifted from the covers and dressed in warmest sweaters each morning. your favourite foods are brought to you. you have no bills, no job, no responsibilities. but you are a chihuahua, so you are blind with rage.

— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) October 27, 2024

if Freud was wrong why did my boyfriend’s mom and I show up to dinner with the exact same manicure pic.twitter.com/IMpqkLH6Jh

— asherah (@e_asherah) October 27, 2024

“talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend” ummm why would i do that? my friends are all perfect beautiful angels & i am god’s least favorite slug

— Meg (@megannn_lynne) October 29, 2024

It’s Shen Yun for white women https://t.co/nrAH0ksYt6

— miss poopie (@WhoIsNickCage) October 30, 2024

and you used to have to wear a jacket over your halloween costume because it used to be cold in october pic.twitter.com/RVvaP0alsA

— party mom (@fifimcfae) October 31, 2024

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) October 31, 2024

my dad keeps ranting about how colleges can’t teach shakespeare and milton anymore because of woke and nothing will convince him that’s not true, not even the fact that i teach shakespeare and milton at a college

— katie kadue (@kukukadoo) October 28, 2024

I love nursing school man pic.twitter.com/vcEvlX45XL

— ِ (@yaoification) October 30, 2024

my friend has an asshole cat named bart & everytime she talks about him it’s like an abusive husband. wdym it’s going to “set off” bart if you get home late

— THE lusty argonian maid (@lindawg) October 29, 2024

I ran into a celebrity at the thrift today pic.twitter.com/Ly4gKei63R

— c a i t l i n (@hello__caitlin) October 31, 2024

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

— pms princess (@princxssmaddie) October 29, 2024

The walk of shame, but it’s just me bringing all my empty candy wrappers to the trash can so I don’t have to look at what I’ve done.

— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) October 31, 2024

John Mulaney is morphing into Peter Gallagher and no one is talking about it pic.twitter.com/HPFzeQ3w0O

— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) October 30, 2024

My doctor just called to ask why I answered "yes" to the "have you felt nervous, anxious, or on edge in the last 30 days?" question on my prescription refill questionnaire

— abby (@abby4thepeople) October 30, 2024

Who else gets a random burst of motivation, like, “I’m turning my whole life around starting NOW!”… then 20 minutes later, you’re on the couch like, “Actually, tomorrow sounds better.”

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) October 30, 2024

Not Tom Brady posting The Chicks cover of ‘Landslide’ after news broke that Gisele Bündchen is having a baby with her hot jiu-jitsu instructor boyfriend ???? pic.twitter.com/bIx2DggYDW

— Madeline Hill (@mad_hill) October 29, 2024

(At my boss's funeral kneeling and whispering at coffin)

"Who's thinking outside the box now Stacy?"

— mariana Z (@mariana057) October 30, 2024

At this point is there a category of merchandise that doesn’t have a Wicked tie-in? I’m half expecting my gynecologist to ask whether I want a pink or green speculum.

— Anika Chapin (@AnikaChapin) October 31, 2024

going on ozempic, not to lose weight, but because the inevitable class action lawsuit is gonna pay out like crazy

— tabitha (@thetolerantweft) October 30, 2024

“ I’m so sorry I’m late, the traffic was crazy….”
The traffic : pic.twitter.com/eDIOEMBYkV

— Invis????♀️ (@invis4yo) October 28, 2024

Grown-up halloween idea: trick or treating but for cheese

— meghan (@deloisivete) October 29, 2024

teachers are so brave i just thought about having to teach someone long division from scratch and threw up

— lea chin-sang (@bigfatmoosepssy) October 29, 2024

mind you susan b. anthony is rolling in her grave over a black woman running for president lmao https://t.co/1X4TiJ2nUF

— taylor garron (@taylorgarron) October 29, 2024

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 27, 2024

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

— Rachel (@RachelNoise) October 29, 2024