I can play it by ear if I have advance notice that we are going to be playing it by ear

— Meg (@megannn_lynne) October 14, 2024

When I say “my friend” sometimes it’s a friend, but sometimes it’s my close personal podcast host…friend

— Meagan ❄️ (@atlmeagsnow) October 13, 2024

just absolutely top tier mom texts pic.twitter.com/3SFohkUTyK

— Olivia Ruth Messer ????️ (@OliviaMesser) October 14, 2024

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

— Jamie (@spacej_me) October 15, 2024

me applying for a new job: https://t.co/nwUpCBSE6Z

— jolene of arc (@okaypompeii) October 15, 2024

I love unhinged pet names bestowed by children. my parents got us a pair of kittens when I was a toddler and only knew a handful of words so then we had a cat named Box for almost 20 years

— Gina Lloyd (@GinaGoesOutside) October 14, 2024

not invited to something i did not want to go to with people i do not like pic.twitter.com/j3M8ZqRDMU

— jo (@cowboypraxis) October 13, 2024

such classic french perversion that the word for stepfather is just “handsome father”

— lecherous individual (@tchotchkebutch) October 12, 2024

I understand why we need warning labels on products but I think they should start including the origin story of why the warning was necessary just to spice things up

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) October 17, 2024

You've just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You've loaded up RuneScape on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don't care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 41 years old. The year is 2024.

— Alison (@TradWife2049) October 17, 2024

Me clocking out of work after doing the bare minimum #VSFashionShow2024 pic.twitter.com/plh3hrrlma

— anoceangoddess (@Anoceangoddesss) October 15, 2024

I was ridin with my dude, looked at his car screen and one of the locations saved was “Nicole’s House”. I tried to look away but had to ask, who tf was Nicole… He responded confused so I accused him of gaslighting me. Whole time it was my phone plugged in. Nicole is my cousin.????

— Kori ???????????? (@koriiiigurl) October 13, 2024

Me too. She’s not special. https://t.co/HirvzxY9sI

— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) October 12, 2024

what is a crockpot if not an electric cauldron?

— erika (@yeeeerika) October 15, 2024

dreamt you could go into the gas station to buy a picture of yourself pumping gas that they automatically took of every customer, like the polaroid you can buy after a rollercoaster ride

— hil (@plume__) October 15, 2024

walking thru the park to pick up psych meds i said out loud "i love fall!!" and a voice from the bushes said "me too!!" really enthusiastically and they were like "sorry im just smoking weed" when i screamed

— valentine (@tinyaltgirl) October 15, 2024

the least britney spears could do is open an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again but no.

— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) October 17, 2024

another great tweet by my newest friend https://t.co/bZrS0lOD2H

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) October 18, 2024

Me when I discovered L’Oréal dream matte mousse in middle school https://t.co/Lz2GH4tSow

— Swiftie Sports Center (@SwiftieESPN) October 13, 2024

today was my first day working at a sex shop and it turns out that working at a sex shop is the most autistic friendly job of all time because almost nobody wants you to talk to them because they’re embarrassed about being in a sex shop

— Grace Jarvis (@gracejarvisohno) October 12, 2024

im babysitting a 3.5y boy and he said he liked taylor so i asked what his fav song is, expecting the usual shake it off. tell me why this toddler starts singing the bridge of illicit affairs. im being so fr im crying

— hayl ⸆⸉ ???????? (@inmydream1and) October 11, 2024

yes, i draw that cunty little line. i do it with z’s too…. started in 4th grade because i knew i wanted to be a bad bitch (attention) https://t.co/lIzL5tfiOF

— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) October 13, 2024

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up https://t.co/zzayRO8g8A

— scary sarah (@sarahradz_) October 15, 2024

ever since i was young i wanted to transform unstructured data into actionable business insights

— sophie (@netcapgirl) October 15, 2024

my boyfriend will whisper “bye room” when we’re leaving the hotel we stayed in for 1 night

— chase (@_chase_____) October 15, 2024

Texting on iMessage from your laptop is like adult AIM for millennials.

— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) October 16, 2024

i love finding out a person my age is already divorced. like damn bro you lapped me

— trash jones (@jzux) October 15, 2024

Me: does strength training for the first time in months

Me (12 hours later): wow, I must be getting some horrible flu or maybe I have some sort of horrific degenerative muscle condition, I think I might be dying and I definitely can’t walk

— Shematologist, MD (@acweyand) October 16, 2024

working in an office is so funny it’s like what if 100 grown ups liked candy as much as any five year old

— rosie (@crookedcourses) October 16, 2024

sometimes somebody will say something like "today is national waffle fry day!" and it's like okay i honestly don't have time for this so please just tell me what actionable next steps you need me to take

— bald ann dowd (@ali_sivi) October 16, 2024