i have been nothing but distant and hard to read and this is how you treat me

— bek (@rosenstein_) September 11, 2024

Boys with bad handwriting: psh. Grow Up

Girls with bad handwriting: the secrets of the universe spill from your pen and your encrypted messages may be read only by those who are worthy of the knowledge

— Caroline (@weirdassfishes) September 11, 2024

representation is important. thank you unicode team. pic.twitter.com/1wReskTszc

— Molly White (@molly0xFFF) September 11, 2024

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

— cass city (@HeavenlyGrandpa) September 10, 2024

Staring into the abyss and it doesn't have any dinner ideas either

— meghan (@deloisivete) September 11, 2024

every time i see a plastic bag floating in the wind i think of katy perry. if she has no other impact, she has that

— no (@zedonarrival) September 12, 2024

just got in trouble for saying “thanks everyone” in the work gc after i asked a question and nobody answered it

— mia! (@miakanaiko) September 10, 2024

WE’RE SO BACK pic.twitter.com/gzeuZEKR12

— Annie Wu (all socials: @annie_wu_22) (@Annie_Wu_22) September 11, 2024

(realizing i’m not anxious about anything right now) well this isn’t good. what am i forgetting

— trash jones (@jzux) September 10, 2024

Just remembered families exist https://t.co/cAbVof62FT

— Meg (@megannn_lynne) September 9, 2024

A Day in the Life of an Immigrant, According to Donald Trump:

- wake up in jail
- get your transgender operation
- for breakfast, dog
- take over Seattle
- for dinner, cat

— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) September 11, 2024

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

— apple (@missmilkton) September 12, 2024

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

— reb (@rebmasel) September 9, 2024

The only way I can describe this photo is that they look like they’re in an SNL skit about themselves. pic.twitter.com/tfZsvUv3IV

— Melissa Stewart (@LissaJoStewart) September 9, 2024

I’m sorry I can’t come. My dog expects me home by a certain time.

— One Ordinary Girl (@audri_em) September 12, 2024

personally i would use a serif font to admit to a betrayal of this magnitude https://t.co/h0q1kitEVB

— multitude????container (@lllliatttt) September 10, 2024

“You made your bed, now lie in it.”

You think that’s a threat? I’ll go lie in it right now.

— Burning Mom ⚡️ (@MomOnFire) September 11, 2024

Wow, cats have had a hell of an election season huh?

— Jasmine Wright (@JasJWright) September 11, 2024

“party in the USA” if it was written by morrisey: https://t.co/50MGKdIrhM

— cass city (@HeavenlyGrandpa) September 10, 2024

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

— katie (@focusfronting) September 10, 2024

we were all incredibly touched by your dj set

— Isabella (@lev__glebovich) September 8, 2024

Baby this woman on my plane asked another woman to switch seats so she could sit next to her husband — well the new seat doesn’t recline so an hour into the flight she asked to switch back and the other woman said no. Now they’re arguing! pic.twitter.com/50xJ4lCRPl

— Nina Parker (@theninaparker) September 10, 2024

So funny when celebs cheat and release a statement like “please be considerate of my family” like buddy seems as though you started it!!!!

— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) September 10, 2024

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too

— jen merritt!!! (@jennifermerr) September 7, 2024

not to be a hater but why would you waste your youth on pickleball when you’re perfectly capable of enjoying the noble sport of tennis

— paige (@midwesterneur) September 9, 2024

“I have been a leader on fertilization.” No, that’s Nick Cannon

— Keeks ???? (@DietCoke_Esq) September 11, 2024

omg that’s like their beyoncé https://t.co/6IxnTeQMxi

— z̵s̴a̶ ̸z̸s̶a̴ ̷g̸a̷b̴o̶r̴t̵i̷o̵n̴ (@zsazsagabortion) September 7, 2024

calling january 6th “j6” like it’s a k-pop group is unfortunately soooo funny

— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) September 11, 2024

is your hair ever so greasy you start to feel unlovable

— bella (@earlygirl__) September 8, 2024

The brownies I started baking in my Easy Bake oven in 1982 are done if you guys want any

— Syrup Tishus (@Syrup_Tishus) September 10, 2024