Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Although Twitter has rebranded to X, the humor lives on.
Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on the social media platform to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents for more!
5yo had a serious talk with me, pulled me aside and everything.
— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) December 12, 2023
She had to tell me that I put on too many Christmas movies and leave no time for shows like Rugrats anymore — and it has to stop.
Shout out to the mom who signed up for paper plates within seconds of the class holiday party list going live
— meghan (@deloisivete) December 13, 2023
My 3yo fetched himself a large metal spoon and a saucepan and declared, "Mommy, I going make something."
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) December 14, 2023
"What will you make?" I asked, playing along.
"MUSIC," he cackled.
I think I need a spot in the baby book for "first time deliberately doing a bit."
I cooked a frozen lasagna with frozen garlic bread and a frozen apple pie for dessert and my son (literally oblivious this was all store bought) looked at me so genuinely and said, “In my life, I have never had anything you have made that tasted as good as this.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) December 12, 2023
My 5-year-old just walked up to me and said “I need a hot shower, I’ve had a long day.” Reader, he woke up one hour ago.
— Tocarra Mallard (@TocarraElise) December 9, 2023
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies”
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) December 13, 2023
Behold my villain origin story, Holiday edition. Extra credit Buche de Noel. ???? pic.twitter.com/eOYBG6renR
— RanaAwdishMD (@RanaAwdish) December 12, 2023
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 10, 2023
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said "a toy chicken that's taller than Anthony" so now I can't even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can't she just want a bike?
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) December 12, 2023
Veteran Parent Tip:
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) December 13, 2023
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 11, 2023
That first postpartum poop is like a second mini labor and delivery
— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) December 14, 2023
No one prepared me for how much of my adult life would be spent wiping down countertops.
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) December 9, 2023
I asked my husband to pick up the blocks in the living room. My husband asked our son to pick up the blocks. Chain of command in full effect.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) December 12, 2023
nothing brings my children greater joy than when ive given up
— That Mom Tho ???? (@mom_tho) December 14, 2023
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) December 10, 2023
Anyways it was Eminem.
Children bring joy into our lives, and also a variety of bacteria and other pathogens.
— Adam. (@YSylon) December 9, 2023
My daughter’s friend came over and saw our Elf lazily hanging from a lamp and said “This morning our Elf drew a picture of another Elf on the window with shaving cream” and I was all “OH YOUR ELF IS VERY CREATIVE ISN’T HE”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 11, 2023
My sister tells me to make my kids do more for themselves and then she lifts her 75 pound puppy into her car because she (checks notes) can’t jump.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) December 12, 2023
My daughter asked me how to begin her letter to Santa Claus so I suggested she start with, “Hear me out …”
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) December 14, 2023
Me: mic is short for microphone
— Tada (@krystaunclear) December 12, 2023
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I’m not saying not to have kids, all I’m saying is that before I had kids there was always a nice dry towel hanging on the bathroom hook right where I left it
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 11, 2023
Child: I can't wait to be an adult.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 9, 2023
Me [shaving my earlobes]: Yes it's great.
Me getting my kids’ cavities filled: “This counts as part of your Christmas.”
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) December 12, 2023
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, "Look Mom, it's a furry."
— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) December 9, 2023
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