Every year on my birthday my daughter asks how old I am and then cries and tells me she doesn’t want me to die so that’s a fun tradition

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 15, 2024

5, explaining how he recovered from a tantrum: I just cried a little in my bed, but then I did a quick Macarena and now I’m feeling okay

— Frances Klein (@fklein907) October 13, 2024

actual exchange on "Love is Blind":

her: "I don't want to be a stay-at-home-mom, but I'm potentially open to you staying home with the kids?"

him: "yeah, I work remotely so I'm gonna be home anyway, I don't mind watching the kids."

lol. lmao.

— snail (@tallsnail) October 16, 2024

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal's prominent horn.

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) October 13, 2024

A little bit of my body is a shark

-my 6yo explaining cartilage

— meghan (@deloisivete) October 17, 2024

I was enjoying building a Lego set with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he left for school an hour ago.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 17, 2024

Took my kids to breakfast and the server was taking our order and my 20 month old goes “I want French fries” and she wrote it down???? Ma’am she is 1.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 14, 2024

Buy as many parenting books as you want but none of them will prepare you for dealing with statements like “Yuck, the green beans are too green!”

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 13, 2024

When they said kids were expensive I was like pffft ya ok ???? I'm good at thrifting and mending and we live near a library ...I forgot about the part where spending money delights them and I live to please my tiny overlords

— scary sarah (@sarahradz_) October 17, 2024

We went thru my kid's iPad. My wife is upset but "Latina twerk compilation" has me crying tears.

— T (@Mad_Dad2020) October 16, 2024

*4yr old watching beauty and the beast*

“Does the princess marry the bison?”

THE BISON ????????

— Mandalynns23 (@mandalynns23) October 17, 2024

Kids be like it’s bedtime lemme just tell you a 45 minute story about a waterfall and then I have to poop.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 17, 2024

kids clothing resellers will be like, “heavily used and stained zara onesie - $30” get a fucking life

— amil (@amil) October 18, 2024

Shoutout to the moms with giant purses / bags holding all our sweaters since it was cold this morning but now it’s so hot at the pumpkin patch we are baking like pies.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 14, 2024

15 passed his driver's permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 15, 2024

My 5yo: WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO FLIRT?
Me: *explains*
5: I WILL NOT BE DOING THAT WITH ANYONE

— Courtney Ellis ???? (@courtneyellis) October 15, 2024

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

— Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) October 16, 2024

Me and my daughters all had meltdowns today and my husband was like “yeah the full moon makes you guys weird” lmao

— Tiger Lily (@okahomadude) October 16, 2024