if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) September 25, 2024

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) September 24, 2024

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he's drunk.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) September 25, 2024

My 6yo fell and got a big bump on his forehead, so he's right on schedule for school picture day

— meghan (@deloisivete) September 25, 2024

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that's not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

— Courtney Ellis ???? (@courtneyellis) September 26, 2024

I love when my kids get along and play nicely together and are so kind to each other. It’s the best 60 seconds of my day.

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 22, 2024

A mom complimented my dress, so I did what I was supposed to do and told her where I got it. But then her friend rolled her eyes and said, “look who’s name dropping,” and I don’t understand what just happened here.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 24, 2024

I’ve spent a small fortune on my kids through the years.

My son bought me a $1 coke at McDonald’s & would like to be immediately paid back.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 25, 2024

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 25, 2024

4yo walked in the house after school, dropped her pants, sighed like she just finished a 9-5, and then spent the afternoon lounging on the couch in her underwear. Guess she’s ready for adulthood.

— MommyingHard (@MommyingHard) September 25, 2024

"Ai is coming for your job" I'd like to see Ai quit a paid gig to take care of its tiny Ai offspring and cry every day

— sarah (@sarahradz_) September 26, 2024

The tenth circle of hell is swimming birthday parties that require the parents in the pool.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) September 21, 2024

I hate when my kid uses my words against me, like when I make dinner and she won’t eat it even though it’s delicious, and then she lectures me on how “different people have different tastes”

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 24, 2024

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said "11:48" and he laughed and said "Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?" and I'm just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) September 25, 2024

All dads know you never call in an order for Mexican takeout. You go there, sit at the bar, place your order, and enjoy a beer in peace.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 21, 2024

My grandparents had the coolest sayings like you’re the bees knees and then my kids are like don’t be so skibidi toilet rizz.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) September 24, 2024

My 6yo is now spelling long words, so I jokingly asked if she could spell “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” and I played the song on Alexa. When she heard it, she told Alexa to stop the music, just to ask me “How old are you?”

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) September 24, 2024

parenting book: organization is the key

my wife: *starts alphabetizing the wine*

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 24, 2024

If I ever can’t find my kids, I’ll just go sit on the toilet, they’re guaranteed to find me there.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) September 23, 2024

my teenagers' vibe can be best explained as 'selective hearing' meets 'endless appetite' with a dash of 'I know everything' seasoning.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 25, 2024