There needs to be a word for the subtle hints you drop into conversation with the other parents on a play date to try and figure out if they’re normal or not

— Frances Klein (@fklein907) July 27, 2024

Sometimes a tooth falls out right before bedtime, and this is outside of the tooth fairy's normal retrieval window because she needs to go to the bank

— meghan (@deloisivete) July 29, 2024

My daughter has been experimenting with her own versions of “easy, peezy, lemon squeezy” and today she said “easy, crazy, mountain skeleton” and that’s gonna be tough to beat

— Drew Davenport (@The_Davenporter) July 29, 2024

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) July 30, 2024

One nice thing about childcare is it helps uncover your children’s scams. My 3yo, who always insists I cut up her sandwiches, looked like I’d caught her hosting a kegger when I walked in to find her taking a big bite of a whole grilled cheese.

— girl fieri (@realgirl_fieri) July 28, 2024

I just told my daughter, “It’s 11:11 make a wish!” To which she replied, “My wish is that you go to the eye doctor because it’s 11:17.”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 28, 2024

12 is a wild age because one minute they’re hanging out downtown with buddies and the next they’re asking for official confirmation that the Tooth Fairy isn’t real.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) July 30, 2024

My 4 yo son, walking into my office, "Are you still working?"

"Yeah, bud."

"How many more buttons do you have to press?"

— RandomSprint (@RandomSprint) July 30, 2024

Painting with my 6-year-old daughter today. She hands me a brush.

Her: Remember it's okay if it's not perfect.

Me: ???? thanks baby

Her: Mine will probably be close though because I've watched a lot more Bob Ross than you.

Me: Oh.

— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) August 1, 2024

Took my daughter to Disney land and after spending an exhausting day doing rides and gift shops we asked her what her favorite part was and she said “the bus was pretty cool”. The bus ride. To get into the park. That was her favorite.

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) August 1, 2024

as a teen: hiding in the shed drinking warm cheap beer

as a dad: hiding in the shed drinking cold craft beer

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) July 29, 2024

Took Ben (14 months) to the doctor today bc he hurt his finger (he will be OK ❤️) and he was amazingly chill about it. When the doctor held out a gloved hand to examine Ben's hand, Ben stared at him for a moment and then solemnly laid a fistful of cheerios in the doctor's palm.

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) July 30, 2024

My 5yo is very sad that she doesn’t have enough legs to be a giraffe. Thoughts and prayers at this difficult time please

— Lottie-pop ???? (@Lottie_Poppie) July 28, 2024

I'm just a 41 yo Dad standing in front of this card terminal with no idea if I'm supposed to slide, tap or insert.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 1, 2024

My 4yo is still not a big fan of his little sister and I just walked in on him messing with our digital picture frame. “What are you doing?” I asked him. And he was like “Deleting all the pictures of Winnie.”

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 28, 2024

my toddler was sleeping on the floor next to his converted crib daybed so i got him a big kid bed and uh pic.twitter.com/JZepxRdMeb

— emily may (@emilykmay) July 30, 2024

My 6yo just popped up out of nowhere and asked for a hammer, so I'm sure that's fine

— meghan (@deloisivete) August 1, 2024

There are three certainties in life: death, taxes, and my kids have lost the fking remote again.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) July 29, 2024

I’ve never been to hell before but I have had all my kids in the car complaining that they’re thirsty.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 30, 2024

No one tells you the stuff your daughter needs for her first dorm room costs eleventy billion dollars.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 1, 2024