Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
How to portion control your snacks:
— Some Mummy that You Used to Know (@PritikaRyan) August 29, 2022
Eat them in the presence of a 3 year old. You’ll be lucky to get two bites.
My son just asked me how I know his name…… I’m not in the mood today
— Finest ????️ (@BigNeyogems) August 30, 2022
"I'll see you later today" I whisper, as I pack a sandwich in my kid's lunchbox.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 29, 2022
My 2yo literally told me what he wanted for dinner (hot dogs, tomatoes, grapes) went w me to the store to get it, scanned it at self check out BY HIMSELF, cut up the grapes, tomatoes and hot dog with his toddler knife, put it all on his own plate and then…refused to eat dinner.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 30, 2022
When a kid says "daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor"
— LIFEISAJOURKNEE (@LIFEISJOURKNEE) August 31, 2022
Me: Of course you can sleep in my bed. I want you to feel comforted and safe.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 31, 2022
Toddler: Cool. Here’s a foot to the face.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy's tummy?
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 31, 2022
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made tea and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar of sugar back in the cabinet
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) August 31, 2022
"Why aren't Millenials having children?" Maybe because those of us who did were nice enough to explain to our friends you have to wake up at 5:52am and watch Thomas while holding a toy of Thomas and making him say "Wow, look, I'm on TV" before your coffee is even ready.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 27, 2022
My kid is literally eating dirt in the backyard but yea I’ll go ahead and triple-wash these grapes.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) August 31, 2022
6: “Mommy, imagine you had to buy your baby instead of growing it out of your penis or your belly. It would cost like ten dollars.”
— redyellowgreendance ???????? (@RYGdance) August 31, 2022
So much to unpack here…
6: mom what’s that
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 28, 2022
me: butter, it makes everything taste better
6: you mean it tastes…???????????????????????? *giggles*
me: my sweet summer child im so very proud ????
10 y/o daughter likes to occasionally write us notes when she wants to make a point. After we suggested she could advance in math with some help, she wrote us that she’s doing fine in school and said, “I don’t need a Tooter.”
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 31, 2022
My biggest disappointment giving birth was that the nurse didn’t raise my baby into the air and sing the Circle of Life as she handed her to me
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 1, 2022
My son told me that at recess he runs races. I sat there trying to picture my son being a competitive runner because he's not a runner. After a long pause, "you're probably thinking that I'm running but I'm the one starting the races. I yell go!" What a story.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 27, 2022
On the 1st day of school, my 6-year-old told me about his art teacher, Mr. McClay. This week, I found out his name is actually Mr. Mitchell.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 31, 2022
Turns out my kid has been calling him McClay because he thinks that's a better name for an art teacher.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 31, 2022
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
“mommy, someone just lost their kitty!” is my 3yo’s adorable way of telling me she stole someone’s toy
— Science Mom ???? (@EmSlyce) August 30, 2022
Parenting books have been a lifesaver, without them I’d have rings all over my coffee table
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 30, 2022
*first day of school*
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 29, 2022
4yo: and there's a kid called Hunter
6yo: *muttering* I bet he doesn't even hunt
I’m not saying I’m nailing this parent thing, but my teen daughter did say good morning to me today.
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) August 30, 2022
I'm not saying our children are trying to give us a heart attack but if you've been startled awake in the middle of the night because your kid was an inch away from your face staring at you, the thought has crossed your mind.
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) August 31, 2022
It's pronounced Strawbabies. And if anyone tells my 3yo any different I will cut you.
— The REAL Messy Mom (@TheREALMessyMom) August 30, 2022
One minute you're excited that the kids are back in school and then 7 hours later you're reading about a field trip that costs $140
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) August 30, 2022
My kids, in a hot tub: So nice
— Tori (@ToriTheMom) August 29, 2022
My kids, in a lukewarm bath: TOO HOT
Support HuffPost
A No-B.S. Guide To Life
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Our News, Politics and Culture teams invest time and care working on hard-hitting investigations and researched analyses, along with quick but robust daily takes. Our Life, Health and Shopping desks provide you with well-researched, expert-vetted information you need to live your best life, while HuffPost Personal, Voices and Opinion center real stories from real people.
Help keep news free for everyone by giving us as little as $1. Your contribution will go a long way.
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Help keep news free for everyone by giving us as little as $1. Your contribution will go a long way.
HuffPost is your trusted source to help you lead a better life. Our reporters rely on research, expert advice and lived experiences. So when you've got questions, you know you can trust our answers.
We're determined to keep HuffPost Life — and every other part of HuffPost — 100% free. Help us do that by contributing as little as $1.
HuffPost is your trusted source for stories that help you lead a better life. We've got you covered on all things health, wellness, food, style, parenting, relationships, work, travel and lifestyle. Our reporters rely on research, expert advice and lived experiences to address all your concerns, big and small. So when you've got questions, you know you can trust our answers.
We're determined to keep HuffPost Life — and every other part of HuffPost — 100% free. Help us do that by contributing as little as $1.