husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests

me: yes...for our guests

— meghan (@deloisivete) August 1, 2022

There was an empty space in my house for 5 minutes but don’t worry, my wife found a plant to put there

— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) July 27, 2022

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) July 30, 2022

I wish I loved anything as much as my husband loves asking me questions he could easily Google.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 29, 2022

marriage means taking a vow of earnest interest in your partner's interests. extended literally, this means my husband is obligated to care about the latest drama on cottagecore instagram and i'm obligated to hear about every single combo his latest guilty gear character can do

— Katie Chironis (@kchironis) July 31, 2022

Things appear out of thin air when my wife shouts “look again, it’s right there!” Marriage is truly magical

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 22, 2022

psychologically profiling my husband to figure out where he put the soup pot

— Science Mom ???? (@EmSlyce) July 25, 2022

Told my husband that I was going to Target for one thing and bought 36 & my husband can't say anything about it because HE KNOWS THAT I KNOW about that new golf club he has hidden in the garage

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 29, 2022

Me: Siri, why is my wife angry at me?

Siri: How long ya got?

— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) July 19, 2022

911: what's your emergency?
Me: MY WIFE WON'T STOP BUYING KALE!

— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) July 25, 2022

I’m starting to think my wife and I have different definitions of fancy.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 30, 2022

Married life. pic.twitter.com/AOFxqhjGQt

— The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) July 24, 2022

On the next "Unsolved Mysteries" my wife and I investigate why we don't have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 25, 2022

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) July 27, 2022

My wife is arguing with Alexa again …send help ????????

Alexa never understands her

— TitsforTat ????️???? (@magicalchaos14) July 27, 2022

My husband told me this morning he thinks he has "resting oh my god please be friends with me face."

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 20, 2022

Lesbian culture is when you and your wife are seated two rows away from your dyke couple nemeses at the local women’s soccer game, knowing that you will also be attending a queer destination wedding together the following week

— Sarah Rebecca Kessler (@moveablejaw) July 31, 2022

Welcome to your forties, you’ll trim your bushy eyebrows and your wife will draw bushy eyebrows

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 19, 2022

Normalise telling the grocery store clerk to write you a note specifying that the thing your wife asked for wasn't available in the store even though her husband looked everywhere for it.

— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) July 19, 2022

I'm really worried about my husband. He's started watching "Yellowstone." What if sports are next?

— Benjamin Siemon (@BenjaminJS) July 25, 2022

My husband sure says “you’re crazy” a lot for someone who chose to marry me.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 25, 2022

Only MILsplaining irks me as much as mansplaining.

— ????SpookyLittleComic???? (@CunniLinguist77) July 31, 2022

My wife's Amazon account is linked to my email, so it's nice waking up to an alert saying my floral romper and elastic hair ties are on the way.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 21, 2022